Crossfire - A Tale of Sir Blue Knight Vs Sir Red Knight
by JordanPhoenix
Summary: What happens when courtroom rivals Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth decide to take their on-going battle...onto the (DATING) playing field? Sir Blue Knight & Sir Red Knight both fight for the heart of Fair Lady Fey, and only ONE of them will be victorious! Seriously - just messing around - NOT set as a jousting match! YANMEGAMAN new CO-PILOT and THEPUDZ as guest author!
1. The Third Wheel

_**Disclaimer: Ace Attorney and all characters are copyright by CAPCOM; We're just fans imitating. The stories presented are influenced by the multiple games as well as the comic (Manga written by Kenji Kuroda).**_

 _ **The following is a collaboration between JordanPhoenix and 6GunSally.**_

 _JP- this first chapter may look familiar to those of you who have been reading_ _ **6GunSally's**_ _hilarious shorts on her Word of the Day story. Well, she liked the idea of my guest entry so much we decided to turn it into a short story! I hope you guys enjoy our first ever co-authored tale! And as always, reviews are always welcome and appreciated!_

 _6Gun Sally -_ _Love JPs awesome idea and I hope everyone enjoys reading as much as we did writing it!  
_

* * *

 **Chapter One:** **The Third Wheel**

"Nick, you better not have made any plans tonight!" Maya crowed excitedly, in her usual ear-splitting decibel whenever she was uber-enthused about something. Phoenix winced in pain.

 _Dammit woman,_ _ **one**_ _of us is trying to get some work done here!_ He discounted the statement; he was too busy going through his case files, trying to find the most current one. _I really should try to organize these in_ _ **some**_ _sort of order…_

"You _are_ free after work, aren't you?" she persisted.

"Why?" Phoenix asked his assistant absently, barely looking up from his task. "What's so special about tonight?"

"Are you kidding me, Nick? I cannot _believe_ you forgot!" Maya puffed out her cheeks in a huff.

 _Oh boy, she's really getting worked up. What was it? Her birthday? Damn! This is going to cost me a fortune in burgers as repentance if that's the case!_ Phoenix felt a cold sweat breaking across his brow at the thought. Oh dear God, he hadn't even gotten her a _card_ …

"Um…sorry?" He attempted his most disarming grin. "Must have slipped my mind what with the recent Engarde trial and all…"

"You _truly_ are getting soft in the mind old man!" Maya cried in frustration.

Phoenix stifled a groan. This unintentional oversight was going surely going to make the Burger Queen put a _Whopper_ -sized dent in his wallet equal to at _least_ a month's pay!

"I've only been mentioning it for the past _two months_!" Her lower lip trembled.

 _Ngh! With_ _ **jumbo-sized**_ _milkshakes_ _ **and**_ _French fries_!

"Happy Birthday, Maya," he said weakly. "Um, how do you want to celebrate? We can do whatever you want tonight, I swear!"

"You spiky-headed _schmuck_!" Maya stormed over and slammed her hands on his desk, mimicking his typical serious courtroom fashion, and sending papers flying everywhere.

She cried out in pain. "Ow! That hurts!"

Sulkily rubbing her hands together, she glared at him. "It's _not_ my birthday, you numbskull!"

"Oh, OK, then why are you all sore at me for?" Phoenix was exasperated. "Just tell me already Maya, so I can apologize for whatever I've done, or whatever you _think_ I've done!"

"Phoenix Wright, today is the day of the worldwide premiere of _The Steel Samurai_ and _The_ _Pink Princess_ crossover movie!"

"Oh, that." He vaguely remembered her endless prattling now; he tended to listen with only half an ear when she went off on her tangents about those mindless shows.

"Oh _that_?" Maya looked mortally wounded. "I've only been waiting for this for ages! It's the one where they conquer the land of _Japanifornia_ , get married, and give birth to The Bronze Baby!"

 _If she already knows the whole movie plot, why does she even want to bother going to see this absolutely inane, moronic-sounding movie?_ He wondered. _Seriously?! The_ _ **Bronze Baby**_ _? What would be next? He would grow up to be The Plutonium Prince? The Platinum Pain in the Ass?_

"OK...and you're telling _me_ this because..?" He already knew the answer though.

"You really _have_ been living _under a rock_ haven't you?" Maya demanded. " _First_ you act like you've never even heard of the biggest movie event of the millennium…"

"That's because I _hadn't_ …" _Really? The millennium? Exaggerate much?_

"And _now_ you're acting all clueless about the fact that I'd want my best friend in the whole wide world to go with me!"

"No." His voice was firm. "You know your _Steel Samurai_ TV show makes my brain go numb!"

"Oh man! You _suck_ Nick!" Maya wailed. "You're such a _meanie_!"

"Find someone who can actually stay awake during the two hours of nonsensical violence to go with you Maya, I _beg_ of you." Phoenix began busying himself with the arduous task of retrieving the papers his assistant had scattered.

"Fine, I _will_!" She snapped, and dramatically exited the office and flounced down the hall to her bedroom, seeming to forget it was only noon and there was still work to be done.

Phoenix decided to let her have her little hissy fit. _At least now I can get some peace and quiet…_

At one minute before six o'clock, Maya finally emerged from her chambers, for once wearing regular street clothes. Well, she wore fitted jeans and runners…along with a Pink Princess t-shirt and a Steel Samurai cap, but also a big ear-to-ear grin as she bounced on her toes.

"Ooh…I should head downstairs now to wait for him, the movie starts in 90 minutes!"

" _Him_?" Phoenix echoed blankly. "Who's _him_?" _I'd assumed she'd have asked Pearls or Penny Nichols…_

"Why Mr. Edgeworth silly!" Maya clasped her hands together and smiled brightly. "You know he's as big a _Steel Samurai_ fan as I am! He's my date tonight!"

" _D- date_?" Phoenix stammered, feeling himself starting to sweat drop. " _Edgeworth_?"

"Well, he _is_ coming to pick me up right now in that fancy car of his!" Maya's tone was smug. "And he _did_ say the tickets were on him…and he _is_ gorgeous and rich! Why _wouldn't_ I want to call it a date?"

Phoenix's eyes were the size of saucers. This was his worst nightmare come true. He could _not_ allow his assistant to go out on a date with _Miles Edgeworth_! It was bad enough he was his most bitter rival in the courtroom – no _way_ was he going to let him be his rival for _Maya_ , too! What if he made her reach for the popcorn bucket, and held it in his _lap_? Or leaned over to whisper in her ear, and smelled her intoxicating, vanilla perfume? What if…?

"W-wait!" Phoenix croaked. "I changed my mind! I'm coming too!"

"Really, Nick?" Maya smiled happily. "That's so great! But…I thought you said this stuff makes your brain go numb and you couldn't stay awake?"

"Don't be silly! I was just kidding!" Phoenix laughed, ushering Maya out the door.

Phoenix and Maya went downstairs and stood at the main entrance doors, awaiting Edgeworth's arrival. Maya was still bouncing on her toes in her excitement, and Phoenix couldn't help but notice how adorable she looked, with the extra sparkle in her eyes and her cheeks flushed pink with pleasure.

He had always thought Maya was a cute enough kid when he'd first met her two years ago, but she was 19 now, and he could clearly note that those words were no longer an avid description! _Especially_ now that she was out of her usual ill-fitting acolyte robes. It was glaringly evident just _how_ kind puberty had been to her! In those tight skinny jeans that molded against her no longer coltish but quite womanly curves, and cropped, fitted anime t-shirt that hugged a surprisingly full bosom and showed a sliver of firm, toned midriff, it was impossible to miss that his office assistant was _very_ much _all_ woman now. Surely Edgeworth would think so too? He scowled at the thought.

At exactly 6:00, they saw the familiar red blur of Edgeworth's Alfa Romeo zip up to them.

Edgeworth exited the sports car, a pleased smile on his normally stern but patrician features as he saw Maya...which abruptly faded when he saw Phoenix standing next to her.

" _Wright_." He uttered curtly, unable to disguise the surprise in his voice. "What on earth are _you_ doing here?"

Phoenix smiled awkwardly, obviously feeling every bit the third wheel he most definitely was. "Um, joining my two good friends for the premier of the metallic baby movie?"

"Nick, that's _bronze_ baby, you goofball! Weren't you paying attention?" Maya chided playfully, before turning to Edgeworth and flashing a dazzling smile. "Nick's decided to come along after all, Mr. Edgeworth. "Isn't that great? I have no idea what made him change his mind but lucky me – I'll have the _two_ most handsome escorts at my side tonight!"

Edgeworth's smoky-grey gaze looked back and forth between the two – Maya, looking exceptionally cute in her uncustomary fan girl attire, and Wright, still in his typical blue suit, blushing like a schoolboy at her last choice of words and looking at the ground, and he barely stifled back an amused chuckle as the realization of the situation dawned on him.

 _So the poor, unsuspecting Miss Fey genuinely seems to have no idea what made Wright change his mind and decide to tag along tonight, does she?_ His lips curled into his typical smirk and there was a naughty glint in his eye. _Well that makes_ _ **one**_ _of us! I sense a challenge here. And Miles Edgeworth never backs away from a challenge-_ _ **especially**_ _not from his favorite courtroom adversary!_

Never one to miss out on an opportunity to crank up the debonair charm, the handsome prosecutor strode up to Maya and gave a slight grandeur bow, which would have looked ridiculous if done by any other man, yet on the urbane Edgeworth, just seemed swoon-worthily chivalrous.

"Well, if naught else, Wright can at least be commended for finally getting decent taste in films, if not his choice of movie-going attire," he drawled, ignoring the irked look Phoenix shot him. "And speaking of which, Miss Fey, your much more suitable wear for this evening looks most fetching indeed. I am most fortunate to have such a lovely companion on my arm this evening."

"Thanks Mr. Edgeworth," Maya beamed. "You look pretty good yourself in casual jeans for once! And I love your Steel Samurai t-shirt!"

"Well, I try to do the merchandise justice." Edgeworth crossed his arms across his broad chest, showing off his muscled arms under the fitted short sleeves. He arched an eyebrow at the spiky-haired attorney, who was looking most discomfited at their exchange. "But I still can't say I do as fine a job of it as you do, Miss Fey. Wouldn't you agree, Wright?"

"Please, Mr. Edgeworth," Maya giggled and Edgeworth bent over gallantly then and placed a kiss on her hand. "It's after hours. Please call me Maya. And Nick here… is kind of compliment-stingy. I don't think he even noticed that I changed my clothes!"

"I did too!" Phoenix blurted out. "I um, just didn't say anything!" He scratched the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly. "Um, yeah… Maya…that is a…cute shirt! I mean, not that I'm looking at _that_ part of you! But, er, um…"

Maya looked at him strangely, as if he had acquired a second head.

Edgeworth stifled a derisive snort and decided to put the poor man out of his misery. "Shall we get going then, _Maya_?" He asked, grandly opening the passenger door to his sports car with a flourish. "Milady, your chariot awaits. And by the way, as we are off the clock, please feel free to call me Miles."

"Hey, does that mean _I_ can call you Miles, too then, since it's after hours?" Phoenix asked, gingerly squeezing in the tiny backseat of the vehicle and grimacing as the small spacing basically had him sitting with his knees practically tucked under his chin. Suddenly, he let out a loud sneeze.

" _Gesundheit_. And for the record, no, _Wright_ , it does not." Edgeworth turned around and shot his rival his most shit-eating grin before pulling away from the curb. "And by the way, I hope you aren't allergic to dog hair. I had to take Pess to the vet earlier today and haven't had a chance to clean up the backseats yet…and my sweet girl _does_ tend to leave fur behind everywhere!"

Phoenix sneezed again and sniffled.

"Nick, are you alright?" Maya turned around in her seat and looked at him with concern.

"Don't worry, _Ide- fide_ ," Phoenix wheezed, sounding quite stuffy indeed. "Ide be fide once I get out od the car."

"Wright's a trooper," Edgeworth said breezily. "A little dog hair on his suit won't kill him."

 _The angora look may even be an improvement on that thing…_

"And it's only a quarter hour trip to the cinema," he added.

 _Assuming I don't feel like being a bit of a devil and taking the_ _ **extra scenic**_ _route there…_

He caught Phoenix's glare in the rearview mirror, and gave him a sly smirk right back.

 _Get your armor, because the battle is on, Wright!_ He thought, casting Maya an appreciative sideways glance. _May the best man win!_


	2. Concessions

_A/N: JP- Oh man, the battle…it is ON! Like_ _ **Donkey Kong**_ _!_

 _A/N: 6GS- Woot! Second chapter! Popcorn anyone?_

* * *

 **Chapter Two:** **Concessions**

Edgeworth and Maya were already at the box office by the time Phoenix was able to extricate himself from the car and hobble across the parking lot. His legs had fallen asleep. He met the two of them at the door.

Edgeworth smirked at him and held it open for Maya.

"Tickets please," the usher said and Edgeworth handed him two tickets.

"She's with me," he said.

Phoenix's shoulders drooped. "Uh, what about... Did you get me a ticket?"

Edgeworth shot him a look of mock surprise. "I'm sorry Wright, I hadn't expected you to join us, you see, so I didn't—"

 _Sure. You just bought those tickets and I was in the car on the ride over..._

"Okay," Phoenix said and dragged himself to the back of the line. "Save me a seat Maya!"

"Will do, Nick!" She wrapped her arm around Edgeworth's and Phoenix could feel bile rise in his throat.

 _Seriously, I just threw up a little..._

"There's time for the concession stand," Edgeworth was saying as he and Maya disappeared into the crowd of moviegoers.

 _Yeah, good luck with that Edgeworth..._

Phoenix craned his neck from the back of the line trying and failing to catch a glimpse of the two of them.

 _Why does it bother me so much anyway?_

When he got to the box office window he smiled congenially at the cashier and she smiled back.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Yeah—uh—I... One for the um... Baby Samurai metal movie thingy..."

"What?"

"The one about the Samurai people..."

" _Japanifornia_? The _Steel Samurai_ and _Pink Princess_ crossover?"

"That's the one!" Phoenix smiled sheepishly and scratched at the back of his head.

"Twelve dollars," the cashier said.

"Oh no," Phoenix pulled out his wallet and smiled at her. "I only want _one_ ticket."

"I see that." The cashier said giving him full-on neck-twitch attitude. "That'll be twelve dollars."

Phoenix drooped and fumbled in his wallet. Burger receipt. Three one-dollar bills. A business card—crap! A moth flew out of his poor empty wallet and he nearly dropped it. He slid out his credit card, unable to hide the pained expression on his face as he handed it over.

Miss Attitude smirked as she handed him back his card, then his ticket and receipt.

"Enjoy the show!"

Phoenix shot her a sidelong glare and ran a hand through his spikes before entering the theater lobby. It was crammed with people. He stared at the line for the concession stand with much scrutiny and maybe a little bit of desperation too.

 _Ah! There you are!_

Maya was giggling up at him. Even from where he was standing, Phoenix could see the twin inverted crescents of her eyes and the wide toothy grin. He frowned.

 _Oh, so you think you're charming, do you? Make her laugh why don't you?_

Phoenix gritted his teeth and skirted the edge of the crowd hoping to catch their attention. He watched Edgeworth's stupid hair bob as he leaned in to say something to Maya. Her tinkling laugh rose above the cacophony of mingled conversations. Phoenix could feel his ears grow warm.

 _Why, I oughta..._

Phoenix planted his feet and glared daggers in their direction. An evil little voice in his mind enacted their conversation.

 _"_ _Oh Mister Edgeworth! You're the biggest dork I ever met! I thought no one liked this samurai crap more than me! Tee hee!"_

 _"_ _Why Maya, I am totally awkward and boring. When I'm not working on a case, I geek out on this stuff!"_

 _"_ _Oh really? I do that too—whenever I'm not asking Phoenix to buy me hamburgers! Ha ha!"_

 _"_ _I like hamburgers too! I can't get enough! That's why my head is so big!"_

 _"_ _Oh Tee hee! We should get burgers if you're still awake after this stupid movie!"_

 _"_ _Oh look it's our turn! I'm super rich so you can have whatever you want!"_

 _"_ _Oh I want candy! I have an extra stomach just for candy!"_

 _"_ _What about popcorn? I love popcorn because I'm so... corny!"_

 _"_ _Ha ha! Mister Edgeworth, you're so weird!"_

"Can I help you, sir?"

Phoenix spun so fast he almost fell and glared at the pimply-faced movie theater worker kid.

"Oh, hey!" He grinned sheepishly. "I'm good! I was just waiting on my buddies—they're in the food line."

"Huh, yeah," Pizza face said. "You're kind of blocking the path here."

Phoenix raised an eyebrow. "Really? Oh, okay. So Sorry!"

He moved so that his back was to the wall and he was out of the way. From his new vantage, he had to crane his neck to watch Edgeworth and Maya. Maya was smiling at him.

 _Stop smiling at him... He's only trying to steal your soul..._

Edgeworth had his hands on the counter staring in concern as the girl behind the counter added box after box of candy to their pile on the counter.

 _Ha! That's what you get! I hope she got me some Raisinettes..._

Edgeworth was staring at Maya in wide-eyed shock now. The cashier girl was looking at Maya and pointing at the MEGA Bucket.

Phoenix was barely able to stifle a laugh. The 'what-did-I-get-myself-into' look on Edgeworth's face was completely worth it! Edgeworth was frowning as he counted out the bills.

Maya said something and cocked her head coquettishly at Edgeworth.

 _NOOOOOOOOOooooo!_

Edgeworth smiled at her and bumped her nose with an index finger before gathering the copious amount of snacks Maya apparently needed in order to enjoy the movie.

 _Maya why? Why you gotta flirt with Edgeworth?_

Phoenix was glaring again as they made their way slowly and awkwardly in his direction. He crossed his arms as they approached, shooting his rival with his best glare. Edgeworth caught his eye and smirked at him. Maya was at his elbow, chatting away about a bronze baby and how the Legacy of the Steel Samurai would _blah blah blah..._

"You thought you'd lose me, huh?" Phoenix tucked his chin and crossed his arms.

 _You wanna play dirty?_

Edgeworth pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows in 'who-me?' look.

 _Bring it, EDGEWORTH!_

"Oh hello," Edgeworth said coolly. "I thought you'd changed your mind."

 _Ooh, I changed my mind... What? And leave you free to break Maya's heart?_

Phoenix kept the bead of his stare fixed on Edgeworth's obnoxious face. "You're not going to lose me that easily."

 _Like I'm going to give you the chance!_

Edgeworth smiled at him. "You're imagining things."

"Nick, what are you doing? Did you get a ticket?"

He didn't notice Maya glancing between the two of them.

"Guys," she said. "Um, what's going on?"

"Nothing," Edgeworth gave a small sigh.

 _Nothing, my ass!_

"Jeez, you two!" Maya brushed past them and started down the corridor to find their screen. "Would you stop staring longingly into each other's eyes and come find a seat? I want to see the previews too!"

Edgeworth turned to look at Maya and Phoenix reached out and flipped the popcorn bucket out of his hand.

"Wright! What—!"

 _ **I** can play dirty too, EDGEWORTH!_

Phoenix put a hand to his mouth in mock surprise. "Whoops!"

"Miles! Did you spill the popcorn?!" Maya rounded on him, her hands balled into fists and her arms held straight out.

"I-I-I—he!" Edgeworth stammered.

 _Not so elegant now, are you?_

Edgeworth glared hard at him, gray eyes flashing. He grimaced menacingly and leaned into Phoenix. "I know what you're trying to do."

Phoenix shrugged at him and gave him his puppy-dog stare. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Miles, Nick is broke. So you'll have to get more popcorn," Maya said. "Nick and I will save you a seat."

"Fine!" Edgeworth replied, still glaring at Phoenix. Maya took Phoenix by the sleeve and tugged him along.

"Come on! Before all the good ones are taken!"

Phoenix let her pull him along and turned back to grin at Edgeworth. He mouthed the words: "BRING IT!"

Edgeworth just glared.

 _Oh, it's_ _ **on**_ _now, Wright…_


	3. Monkey in the Middle

_JP- Word of the day –_ _ **incontinent**_ _! Oops, wrong fan-fic! (yet somehow, still applicable!) :p_

 _6GS- OMG! Let's watch the movie already!  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Three:** **Monkey in the Middle**

Edgeworth was silently fuming to himself as he watched his rival be pulled away to the theatre by his tiny, excitedly burbling, office assistant, in the manner of a tugboat leading an ocean liner, smirking triumphantly over his shoulder while taking off with the fair maiden!

And all the while, sticking _him_ with the bill for new popcorn, and making _him_ wind up with his egg on his face to boot! It was unbelievable! Maya had actually thought that _he_ had been the clumsy buffoon to knock over the bucket of greasy kernels!

Biting back an angry mutter, Edgeworth reluctantly resumed his place in the ridiculously long concession line, crossing his arms across his chest and impatiently tapped his index finger against his arm while looking down at the garish face of his Filip Patek. The movie would be starting in _five_ minutes!

 _Of all the underhanded, sneaky, devious ploys…dammit I'd actually somewhat admire his treacherous adversarial skills if_ _ **I**_ _wasn't the opponent in this battle! Who'd have thought that Mr._ _ **Supposed**_ _Nice Guy had it in him?_

He bit back an agitated curse as he waited for the painstakingly slow teenager behind the counter to serve the morbidly obese woman standing at the front of the long line, who seemed determined to order the _entire_ concession stand for _herself_!

No wait – she had a child with her. The little moppet just had been hidden behind his mother's immense girth.

"Hmmm…" The woman put a thoughtful finger to one of her many wobbly chins. "That's the jumbo sized popcorn with double, double butter. The soft pretzel and hot dog combo…What else…could I also get a package of Twizzlers, one cheese and nachos, two packages of Raisinettes, one package of Junior Mints, one peanut M &M's and a pack of milk duds…" she turned to her son then. "Now is there anything else you would like, Cody?"

Edgeworth scowled. Good Lord! The child with the behemoth in the Mumu couldn't have been more than _seven_ – was she _really_ going to pretend that he could even put a _dent_ in that pile of food that would have fed a small army, and which was undoubtedly solely for _her_? For crying out loud, she was ordering more food than _Maya_ herself had!

Albeit, not by _much_ …

"Awe Mom, I don't want any of this crappy stuff!" The boy scowled, crossing his arms and looking sulkily at the enormous mass of flesh next to him. "I just want to go get our seats! The _Steel Samurai_ starts soon!"

"Don't be difficult Cody!" The woman's voice was shrill, and her jowls quivered as she glared at her son. "Surely you're not expecting me to eat all this food _myself_?"

 _I am astonished you are continuing this inconceivable ruse that he will partaking in_ _ **any**_ _of that gluttonous fare, which is undoubtedly meant to land nowhere but within the cavernous recesses of your stomachs, Madam,_ Edgeworth thought grumpily, his right foot now steadily matching the tapping of his finger. Who knew what moves Wright would be making to stake his claim at the moment, while taking advantage of Edgeworth's absence? _For the love of God, man! Let's get this line moving! Just pick something!_ _ **Anything**_ _!_

"Cody!" The Blob glowered at the baseball-cap wearing boy. "I am not budging from here until you pick something to eat! Otherwise you'll only wind up asking to eat from whatever I ordered halfway through…which may be gone by then!"

 _Oh heaven forbid your porcine self actually_ _ **share**_ _a portion of your gargantuan stash with your insolent_ _ **offspring**_ _!_

"Or you'll be upset that I didn't get something you liked!"

 _Finicky little whelp! You'd think from that smörgåsbord selection of_ _ **the entire stand**_ _\- most of which she's already ordered! – there'd be_ _ **something**_ _he'd like! Pity Mountain Mama here doesn't share her child's discerning appetite…I'm most concerned about her blood pressure…_

"Fine!" Cody conceded moodily, as though he were doing his mother a big favor. "A box of Whoppers then!"

 _Oh thank heavens…_ Edgeworth looked up in relief from his cell phone, from which he'd quickly sent out a set of detailed instructions to Geoffrey, his manservant, and hastily tucked it back in his pocket. _Maybe_ _ **now**_ _I can finally order!_

"A jumbo popcorn with extra butter," Edgeworth told the girl behind the concession stand, when it was finally his turn. He caught sight of the boy and woman at last lumber off towards the theater Phoenix and Maya had headed to, the latter's arms laden with enough food to feed a small, third-world nation. He grimaced disdainfully at the sight of the greasy, glistening kernels when the bucket, large enough to bathe an infant in, was handed to him.

"Will that be everything, Sir?" The young cashier asked. "Did you want anything else? Some drinks or candy?"

 _Candy?_ _Eureka!_

Suddenly, Edgeworth had an idea. A wonderful, _awful_ idea. A slow smile curved over his lips.

"A box of those large, chocolate balls, please, Miss. The, ah…Whoppers."

The lights were still on, and the trailers were still playing when he finally got to the packed movie theatre. He spotted Phoenix and Maya immediately – his rival's spikes could be seen from a mile away – plus, in his blue business suit amongst a sea of casually dressed movie-goers, he stuck out like a sore thumb.

They two had been forced to get seats close to the front row before the screen, only three rows back, so they would undoubtedly have to crane their necks back a tad to see the film properly.

In spite of himself, Edgeworth couldn't help but feel a twinge of amused pity for Phoenix as he neared the two. It was impossible not to catch the look of undisguisable ennui on the other man's face as he listened to Maya's endless chatter.

Cheerfully oblivious the nearly soporific state of her companion, Maya continued to prattle on about the tragedy of the fallen Neo Olde Tokoyo at the hands of the Evil Magistrate, and the hardships the _Pink Princess_ and _Steel Samurai_ would need to overcome to conquer Japanifornia, while Phoenix nodded intermittently in an effort to seem like he was interested and actually _understanding_ a word she was saying.

 _He must really be determined to win this battle if he's subjecting himself to this!_ Edgeworth noted wryly as he made his way over to them. _The man is so blasé about the subject that he can barely keep his eyes open just_ _ **hearing**_ _about it – how will he make it through the next two_ _ **hours**_ _?_

He shrugged mentally. Oh well, that was _Wright's_ problem!

Edgeworth came upon them and cleared his throat. "Milady, your popcorn as you requested."

"Miles, you made it just in time!" Maya greeted him happily, her lips curved up into a pretty smile. "Did you remember to get extra butter?"

"You wish is my command," Edgeworth replied smoothly, handing her the mountainous bucket and taking the seat next to her, which luckily, was in the aisle. "Here you go."

"Glad to see you didn't spill any again on the way back, Edgeworth," Phoenix remarked smugly. "It would be a shame to have another unfortunate… _accident_."

"Yeah, thanks for returning with the full load this time, _butter fingers_ ," Maya teased, her dark eyes dancing. She lightly socked him in the arm when she saw his frown and flashed her familiar toothy grin. "Just kidding, Miles!"

Edgeworth smiled benignly in return, even though internally he was seething. _You'll pay for that Wright!_

He sat down in his seat and casually stretched out his arms, as if from a yawn, and dropped his right one around Maya's slender shoulders, expecting to feel the silky raven hair that fell down her back. Instead…he felt another hand back there…a rough, calloused, distinctly _male_ one!

" _Ahh_!" Phoenix yelped, jerking his hand away as if it'd been scorched. "Edgeworth man, _what the shit_? Get off of me!"

" _Ngh_! Wright, what on _earth_ are you doing with your hand back there?" Edgeworth recoiled and glared at Phoenix.

"What am _I_ doing? What the _hell_ are _you_ doing with _your_ hand back there?" Phoenix glowered back at him.

"Guys, what in God's name are the _both_ of you doing trying to be all lovey dovey and holding hands behind _my_ back for?" A perplexed Maya demanded, looking first at Phoenix and then Edgeworth in annoyed disbelief. "Did you want me to move? Or leave you fellas alone so you can _cuddle_?!"

"That won't be necessary, Maya." Edgeworth felt his cheeks redden. "It was just a mere misunderstanding."

"Yeah, Maya, don't worry. I'm sure Edgeworth can go and be gay on his _own_ time!"

"Wright! How dare you imply –"

"Sorry Edgeworth, you're not my type!" Phoenix smirked and reached into the bucket perched on Maya's lap and grabbed a handful of popcorn. "And if I _were_ gay, I'd like to think I could do better than _you_!"

"You foolish, lying, _presumptuous…_ "

"Ugh, Maya, why do you insist on getting so much grease on this stuff?" Phoenix complained, cutting off Edgeworth's rant and looking distastefully at his dripping fingers as the lights slowly started to dim. "I can see my _reflection_ in my hand for Pete's sake! Hey Edgeworth, you got any napkins?"

"Hey mom, look, down there! Seats!" A young boy's voice suddenly called out. Looking behind him, Edgeworth saw the same enormous woman and her son from the concession line coming down the aisle towards them. And as luck would have it, there were only two empty seats left in the entire theatre, which were next to Phoenix, in the middle of the row. He smirked to himself. _Perfect_.

Time to put phase one of _retaliation revenge plan_ into action!

"I think I stashed some in my pocket," Edgeworth replied, smirking to himself as he fished a few napkins out …while at the same time discreetly opening the box of Whopper balls and dropping the contents of the box onto the sticky theatre floor at his feet as he did so.

Maya was too busy shoveling popcorn into her mouth to notice this, and Phoenix was too preoccupied with drying his buttery hands onto the proffered serviettes to have taken note of the action.

The small boy easily squished past the seated three into the seat furthest away from the defense attorney, but the oversized lady, arms laden with food and precariously balanced soda, was not as graceful. Edgeworth was quick to stand to let her squeeze by, and managed to haul Maya up and pull her protectively against his side just as disaster struck.

In the darkness of the theatre, with such a full food-load on her person, the poor woman was unable to see where she was going – or walking. As Edgeworth had planned, she stumbled on the Whopper balls, slipped her footing on the effectively planted chocolate globes on the ground beneath her, and clutched her precious load of snacks against herself as she lost her balance, in an attempt to cushion her fall.

She was only partially successful.

The woman planted herself onto the poor, unsuspecting Phoenix, bosom-first – so her gigantic breasts beaned him in the face just as her drink went flying…right into his lap.

" _Oof_!"

" _Gah_!" Phoenix cried in horror, springing up from his seat and looking down in dismay at his now soaking wet trousers.

Edgeworth bit his cheeks to keep from laughing. This had worked out better than he'd hoped! He'd figured that the spilled candy would have at _best_ made the woman trip and land with her can't-miss, hefty chest suffocating his rival's face, but _this_ had worked out even _better_!

"I am so sorry young man, are you alright?" The woman huffed apologetically, heaving her miraculously intact remaining edible cargo at her son as she flopped down on the seat next to the lawyer, offering him a sickly, contrite grin. "I seemed to have lost my balance somehow!"

"Along with most of your _drink_ …" Phoenix spluttered, frantically dabbing at the soda-wet patches on his suit with the napkins he still had in his hand – most of which had unfortunately fallen onto the front of his pants.

"Hey, mister, it looks like you peed your pants!" The boy crowed, guffawing loudly as he pointed to the wet area in the crotch part of the red-faced attorney's slacks.

"Oh dear, Nick!" Maya giggled, then looked away guilty as he glared at her. She ceased her tittering and hastily passed him over more of the napkins Edgeworth so 'generously' offered. "Sorry, but it _does_ look like you had a little _accident_ though!"

" _Ha-ha_!" The boy loudly snickered, pointing at Phoenix, to the merriment of everyone else in their row, despite the embarrassed shushing attempts of his mother. " _I_ know what _you_ did!"

"Kid, will you _shut-up_!" Phoenix glared, while hastily trying to dry himself off.

"Nick!" Maya scolded. "You can't yell at him like that! He's just a little boy!"

"That's not _all_ he is!" Phoenix retorted, but before he could say anything more, at that moment his phone started ringing loudly, playing the _Steel Samurai_ ringtone.

"Nick!" Maya hissed. "Didn't you turn off your ringer?! That is _so_ rude and inconsiderate to other movie guests!"

"I don't know how!" Phoenix cried in distress, struggling to juggle the still-ringing phone whilst trying unsuccessfully to mop at himself, and turning crimson at the aggravated murmurs of the theatre patrons around him. He tossed his phone to Maya. "Here, _you_ figure it out!"

Maya quickly grabbed his cell, but then her eyes widened at something she saw on the screen, and she looked up at her friend in suspicion…and unconcealed bewildered hurt. "What the hell, Nick? Did you really break plans with some chick named Tiffany to come out to the movies tonight?"

" _T-Tiffany_? Wh- what?" He stammered. "I don't know any Tiffany!"

"Well _she_ knows _you_!" Maya snapped, a frown flickering across her face as she looked down at the screen again. "And she says you can _make it up to her_ , later tonight…at _her_ place!"

"Maya - I _swear_ to you I don't…"

"Excuse me, Sir," An usher swooped down on them then. "I'm going to have to ask you to please turn off your phone, take your seat and quiet down. You're disrupting other guests and the movie is about to start."

"I'm sitting, I'm sitting!" Phoenix flopped back down in his chair as the opening credits began, and somehow managed to shut his phone completely off before turning to Maya, whose arms were crossed across her chest as she stared straight at the screen. " _There_! I turned it off, are you happy now?"

"Even if I _were_ , am sure _Tiffany_ isn't going to be, now that she thinks you _first dissed_ her and are _now_ _ignoring_ her!" Maya grumbled, taking an enormous handful of popcorn out of the tub and cramming it into her mouth, refusing to look at him. "Not that _I_ care one way or another!"

Edgeworth stifled a chuckle and popped a kernel into his mouth as he settled comfortably into his seat.

 _Geoffrey, my boy, I_ _ **must**_ _remember to give you a raise tonight!_


	4. Odd Man Out

_JP- The manatee hath no name. But for some reason I want to call her Bertha… (What you can't EVER call her is "late for dinner!") :p_

 _6GS- Time to RISE FROM THE ASHES! XD  
_ _Also, I apologize in advance if I insulted any manatees... That was not my intention! Man, I could really use a slushie now!_

* * *

 **Chapter Four:** **Odd Man Out** **  
**

Phoenix blinked up at the screen—he had no idea what was going on. A sidelong glance told him that Maya was leaning over toward Edgeworth; probably because he was practically slumped over the armrest that separated him from her. Not that he had much of a choice—what with manatee sitting beside him. The corpulent woman overflowed the theater seat—which was of a pretty generous size to begin with. Rolls of doughy flesh spilled over the armrest that separated her from Phoenix forcing him to lean toward Maya.

Maya—probably still huffy over Tiffany's texts—seemed determined to pretend he no longer existed. Or maybe she was just that into the movie. But she and Edgeworth were sharing a whispered conversation—Phoenix frowned and put a hand over his temple. It's his fault she was doing this. He shouldn't have provoked someone with the nickname "Demon Prosecutor"—he wouldn't stand a chance. All that fleeting moment of victory got him was a soda soaked crotch, while simultaneously chasing Maya into Edgeworth's arms.

He didn't know why it bothered him so much—it's wasn't like he was going to try and _get a piece_ —geez, _ewww_ ... She was practically his little sister!

Phoenix frowned at the overly choreographed antics of the costumed samurais—he didn't even know who he should root for. This was the most ridiculous movie he'd ever come to the theater to see—unless you count the new re-made _Lone Ranger_ —he didn't think it should count if he'd walked out of the movie.

His gaze slid surreptitiously toward Maya again, she was giggling at Edgeworth, Phoenix tried to choke back his rise in ire—she had every right to go after Edgeworth, right? Then why did it feel so _wrong_? _Why_ did he feel the need to protect her so?

"Hey, Maya," Phoenix whispered harshly in her direction. He had to repeat himself twice more. The third time, the fat lady beside him must have heard, because she paused in her endless munching to shush him.

Maya whipped a glare in his direction before turning her attention to the screen. "What Nick? I'm trying to watch the movie!"

Phoenix swallowed and slumped further into the confines of his seat with his elbows in his lap and his head down in contemplation. On his other side, the manatee struck up her munching and he settled into the din from the movie interspersed with her loud eating.

"Mom!" Phoenix couldn't see the little boy, but his voice was high and demanding, "Mom can I have some nachos?"

"I knew it! That's why I told you to get something!"

Maya was suddenly on top of him shushing the fat lady.

"Shhh! Keep it down, okay?"

"Hey!" the Manatee said. "Mind your business Harujuku Mini Girl!"

Maya all but jumped on him to get to the fat lady, but Phoenix caught her in his arms and held fast. _"Maya!"_

"Let me go! Nick! I'm gonna—!"

Suddenly there was a light shining in his face.

"This is a warning guys," the usher whispered harshly, "If you don't settle down, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Maya dropped back into her seat and crossed her arms huffily. Edgeworth leaned over her to glare at Phoenix. Phoenix crossed his arms too and forced himself to stare at the screen. Okay, so this whole thing has become the worst disaster he could've imagined.

"Mom! Can I have some money so I can get my _own_ nachos?"

"Cody, stop! Do you want to watch this movie or not?"

"But I'm _hungry_ mom!"

Phoenix felt Maya tense up on his other side. He almost felt the heat radiating from her glare. _I'll take care of this!_

"Hey, miss? Could you guys keep it down, please?" Phoenix said to the Manatee.

"I thought I told y'all to mind your business!"

"I'm not trying to get into your bus—you have like, enough snacks to feed an entire high school full of stoned teenagers! Just share with the kid _already_ —so the rest of us can watch the movie!"

The manatee extended one doughy arm and punched him with a pudgy fist right in his chest. Because of the precarious angle at which he was sitting he tumbled over Maya and landed right into Edgeworth's lap.

"Wright!"

"Nick—what are you—?"

"Okay, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Wait, all of us?!" Maya sounded devastated.

"Look, there seems to have been some misunderstanding here – "

"It's my fault," Phoenix interrupted Edgeworth's attempt to talk his way out of it. "I'll go and wait in the lobby."

The usher was still holding his flashlight in their faces, indecisiveness warred over his pimply features.

Phoenix pushed past Edgeworth and stood in the aisle, "Just... Just let them finish the movie."

"I can't just—"

"I'm a lawyer," Phoenix said. "I can sue you and this theater chain if you don't let my friends finish their movie!"

"Okay," the usher conceded and Phoenix walked toward the exit with the usher on his heel. I guess this is me losing. He frowned and pushed out of the theater where the dimly lit corridor seemed almost overly bright after the darkness of the theater.

"How long before the movie is over?" Phoenix asked the usher.

"About an hour," the kid was trying to give him a haughty look, but it was lost in the acne and adolescence.

"Okay," Phoenix turned and tugged on his ear as he made his way toward the lobby. A heavy sinking feeling was starting to settle in his stomach. Fleeting glimpses of Edgeworth and Maya locked in a passionate make-out session in the dark theater hovered in his mind. He was starting to feel sick again.

"Dude! I guess you didn't make it!"

Phoenix looked up, startled to realize the comment had been directed at him. The woman pointed and laughed while her husband stood looking slightly embarrassed. Phoenix looked down at himself, oh yeah... He'd almost forgotten. He had gotten a crotch soda.

Phoenix tucked his chin and hunched his shoulders and started walking faster, looking for the nearest bathroom. He pushed the door in with more force than was necessary and glared around the large space. It was blessedly empty. Finally, _something's_ going my way.

He walked past the row of urinals and started expressing paper towels from the dispenser. He paused to assess the damage in the mirror. Good thing he wore a blue suit at least the wetness wasn't too obvious. He pressed the paper towels against his crotch.

Stupid sticky soda... This wasn't going to work.

He glanced once around the bathroom and then bent over to peer under the stalls. At least he was alone. Phoenix pulled off his suit jacket and hung it up in the nearest stall, then he undid his belt and slid down his pants. He hopped around awkwardly on one foot as he dropped his shoe and pulled one pant leg free and then switched legs. He slid his loafers back on and went to rinse his trousers in the sink.

Thankfully, the tight weave of his suit and the liner inside had prevented the sticky liquid from seeping into his drawers. He stared at himself in the mirror and frowned.

He was standing there letting the water run over his trousers with his sleeves rolled up and the tails of his shirt hanging over his boxers. He had on black socks and black loafers. He'd never looked or felt so absolutely ridiculous in his entire life.

Phoenix watched the stream of water. It was running clear now, no longer tinged brown with soda. He turned off the faucet and started to dab at his trousers with paper towels. He took his time, after all, Maya and Edgeworth would still be in the movie.

When his pants were no longer dripping he carried them over to the automatic hand dryer and let it run. He had to restart it a few times, but it seemed to be working—even if the process was tediously slow. At least when he was done no one would ever know the difference. No one would know about this little wardrobe fiasco in the movie theater bathroom.

Then the door opened. Phoenix felt his heart leap into his throat. He was still standing there holding his trousers under the hand dryer while the rush of air whipped around the hair on his legs.

It was a little boy—the _same_ little boy who'd laughed at him about his 'accident'!

"Gah!" Phoenix was still trapped by the hand dryer—unwilling to let his efforts go to waste.

"Hey mister! Why aren't you wearing pants?"

"Go away little boy," Phoenix shot the kid what he hoped was a steely glare. "Nothing to see here!"

"I get it!" the boy grinned evilly. "It's 'cuz you wet yourself!"

Phoenix gnashed his teeth and tried his best to ignore the boy. He stared at the blue material of his trousers and waved them methodically under the hot air pouring from the hand dryer. It probably wouldn't let him start it again without waiting for it to cool off. He was certain these things had some kind of overheating prevention shut off thingy.

The dryer stopped automatically and Phoenix held his pants out into the light. They were still a little damp, but one couldn't really tell unless they were looking for it. It wasn't great but it would do.

He slid his pants back on and was still in the middle of tucking the tails of his shirt back in when the boy burst from one of the stalls with a shout and ran up to the sink beside him. The boy started scrubbing his hands under the water from the faucet.

"At least you put your pants back on, _pee-pee man_!"

Phoenix glared at him and zipped up his trousers, "Hey, you're going to miss the movie."

"Are you kidding? It's all this mushy lovey-dovey crap with the _Pink Prin_ cess..."

"Where'd you learn to talk like that?"

"Where'd you learn to pee your pants, Mister?"

Phoenix made a face at the kid and then went to retrieve his jacket, "You were there, you know I didn't – "

The boy laughed and pointed at him. " _Pee-pee man_!"

Phoenix groaned and stomped toward the bathroom exit. As he pushed out into the corridor and made his way to the lobby, he was dismayed to find that the boy was still following him.

" _What_ , kid?"

"Say mister," the boy grinned at him. "Will you buy me a slushie?"

"What?" Phoenix frowned at the kid. _What the hell? One, I can't even buy myself a slushie and two, what the hell?_

"Um..." Phoenix put his hands on his hips. "Shouldn't you ask your mom?"

"She's all into all that kissy-kissy crap and won't listen to me," the boy said.

"So, your mom is cool with you asking random strangers to buy you things?"

"You're not a stranger, Mister! I've seen your _boxers_!"

Phoenix could feel the heat prickle from his hairline down to his shoulders. _This is wrong on so many levels…_

"I'm sorry, kid, but I don't think it's right for you to follow me around. You should go back to your mom."

"Just give me the money and I'll buy the slushie myself!"

"I don't—hey, you can't just go asking people to buy you things! That's not how the world works, kid!"

The boy waved a hand dismissively at Phoenix and turned back toward the theaters, _thank God!_ That was a close call!

He strolled casually into the lobby, which had cleared out now that most of the features were running. There was a cop standing against the wall and watching the people filter in and out. Phoenix caught him staring and walked up to him.

"Is everything all right officer?" Phoenix asked casually.

"You tell me," the officer crossed his arms and glared at him, "You seem a little lost wandering around the lobby like that."

"I had to leave the movie—it was just awful," Phoenix grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck.

The cop seemed to relax some. "What movie did you come to see?"

"Oh, um..." Phoenix paused and tried to remember the name of the movie, " _The Steel Samurai_... Um... Something like that..."

"Oh," The cop shook his head. "Never heard of it."

"Yeah it's a foreign film, I think..."

"So you're just going to hang around in the lobby? I can't let you loiter around here, you know."

"Uh, yeah," Phoenix grinned again. "I'm waiting on my friends to get out."

"Oh. I see."

Phoenix stared awkwardly at the cop and the other man looked away from him and pretended to study other parts of the lobby.

"Say, officer?" Phoenix startled the cop but he smiled.

"What is it, buddy?"

"You look like a reasonable guy—so I—well... I want to ask you a hypothetical, if that's all right?"

"Shoot, buddy," the cop smiled. "I can't guarantee I'll answer your question, but it ain't against the law to ask it."

"If you had a friend, that you cared a lot about—like a sister, and she was all up on this guy—who's like, kinda evil. But you know, not really... But still you were uncomfortable with them being... an item... What would you do?"

The cop looked at him and his eyebrows rose inquisitively. "I guess I'd try to stop them from getting together."

"Yeah, so it's not crazy to try and stop them, right?"

"I don't think so."

"What if you'd messed up and ended up having them join forces against you?"

The cop chuckled and shook his head. "I don't know buddy, I'd say you've gotten yourself into quite a pickle!"

Phoenix frowned slightly, his own disappointment had become palpable and weighted the air around him like a bog. "Yeah... I guess you're right..."

"Maybe, y'all should go out for drinks or something, and talk it over? Or like dinner or something..."

Phoenix grinned at the cop and gave him a confident nod of appreciation, "Thank you officer! I hope you have a good evening!"

"You too buddy," the cop saluted with two fingers to his forehead.

Phoenix sighed and walked over toward the doors, feeling like he suddenly had a way to salvage this. Now he just had to wait for that movie to get out.

He didn't have too much longer to wait before the crowds started pouring into the lobby as a few of the features finished up. He stood with dignity near the doors; shoulders squared, hands in his pockets, and scanned the crowd for Edgeworth and Maya.

He saw Edgeworth first—he could spot that stupid hair anywhere—and was dismayed to see Maya hanging off of his arm. But Phoenix didn't waste too much time moping, he had a plan—and Edgeworth wouldn't know what hit him.

"Wright," Edgeworth smirked as he and Maya approached. "It was very kind of you to step out and allow us to finish the movie. I was concerned that there might have been an altercation."

Phoenix grinned. "Oh, it's nothing, _Edgeworth_. After all, what are _good_ friends for?" He noted happily that Maya smiled at his comment. "Did you enjoy the movie, Maya?"

"Yeah, Nick," she looked up at Edgeworth longingly. "Do you guys want to do something else?"

 _Ha! Perfect!_

"Well, I think I'm going to call it –" Edgeworth began.

"How about dinner? I'm hungry, are you hungry Maya?" _Like I need to ask!_

"Sure Nick! That sounds awesome!"

"Er..." Edgeworth glared at him, "I hadn't planned on – "

"Come on man," Phoenix clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You should hang out! We never see enough of you outside of the courtroom!"

"He's right, Miles!" Maya quipped.

 _This couldn't have worked out better if I'd_ _ **planned**_ _it!_

"What did you have in mind?" Edgeworth was obviously conceding—he was probably thinking he could into Maya's— _GAH!_ _Don't think about it!_

"Burgers!" Maya grinned and pumped a fist in the air enthusiastically.

"How about—LA Prime," Phoenix smiled and shot Edgeworth his best puppy dog stare.

Edgeworth swallowed, "I'm surprised you actually know of it..." he muttered.

 _Jerk!_

"If it's too fancy for you, _Edgeworth,_ " Phoenix crossed his arms, "I guess we could always look for the nearest McDonalds or Burger King..."

Edgeworth's eyes went wide. "I never... Let's go then, they know me at the Bonaventure, I'm sure they won't mind if we're a bit casual tonight."

Phoenix followed behind them as Edgeworth led Maya across the parking lot to his car. He rubbed his hands together.

 _Gotcha!_


	5. Three's Company

_J/P: Special thanks to my friends and awesome fan fic writers,_ _ **Blindknyttstories**_ _and_ _ **Feraligreater328**_ _for their input on how Phoenix can_ _ **finally**_ _get a leg up on his rival! All's fair in love and war, right?_

 _6GS: Really? That's like, three against one! (I don't stand a chance!) *sweat drop*  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Five:** **Three's Company**

Edgeworth already had his phone to his ear as he called LA Prime and made reservations for three for 8:30. The person on the phone hemmed and hawed initially about the 11th hour phone request, as it was already 8:00. However, they hurried to say that they would be _enchanted_ to see him and that they would give him the 'usual table' once they heard who he was, and said there would be no issues if their party was casually dressed.

The prosecutor reached his car and hesitated slightly. Even though he knew he'd gotten the restaurant's preferential treatment because of his name and clout, he was still loath to further milk things by showing up unfittingly dressed at such a swanky dining establishment. After all, he _did_ have a certain image to maintain.

That, and he _refused_ to show up undressed at _his_ regular locale, only to have his courtroom rival show him up by actually being _appropriately_ dressed for the occasion, since _Phoenix_ was actually _in a suit_! Which, Edgeworth noted coolly, had completely dried, and bared no residual stains whatsoever as evidence from the earlier soda mishap.

 _Naturally_. Didn't Phoenix Wright _always_ manage to make things _turnabout_ in his favor? He scowled at the thought.

Edgeworth popped open his trunk and swiftly retrieved his ever-present garment bag, which held his extra suit. Luckily, footwear wouldn't be an issue, as he'd worn loafers with his jeans.

"Please excuse me a moment," he told his friends, unlocking the doors so they could get in. "I'm just going to change really quickly. The restaurant is only 15 minutes away, so we needn't worry about missing our reservation."

"Hey, you mean you guys are _both_ going to be in suits, and _I'm_ going to be the only one dressed like a bum, then?" Maya complained. "That's no fair!"

"I checked with them, Maya, and trust me, it's fine if we're casual. It's just…" Edgeworth hesitated. "I frequent the place often, and take very high profile clientele there, so I'd just be more comfortable if…"

"Don't worry, Edgeworth, we get it," Phoenix sneered. "You don't want the snooty folks at your uppity, posh joint seeing you _under-dressed_ because God only knows what they'd think of you if you walked in _not_ dressed to the nines!" He clapped a hand dramatically over his mouth in mock dismay. "Oh! The _humanity_! It would simply _tarnish your sterling_ reputation!"

Having no idea how to rebut the not entirely untrue, albeit completely obnoxious statement, Edgeworth merely glared at the defense attorney, who flashed an impish grin in return.

 _Why must he make me seem like such an appalling snob? It's not my fault I prefer to keep the dignity of my office – even when I'm not at the office!_ _ **Is**_ _it?_

He turned on his heel and stalked back to the theatre, all the while muttering angrily to himself. Thanks to Wright, Maya now probably thought he was going to be ashamed to be seen with her because of her informal attire, which couldn't have been further from the truth.

In actuality, he thought Maya never looked more adorable, and found the formfitting street clothes, in lieu of her loose acolyte robes, gave him glimpse of how Mother Nature was turning her into a budding beauty indeed, one that would soon rival her late older sister.

Edgeworth scowled in the bathroom mirror as he straightened his cravat. He'd better hurry up and get back to the two—God only knew what foolish thoughts Wright was whispering in Maya's ear in his absence!

He saw that Phoenix and Maya were still standing outside the car as he approached. He could only make out bits and pieces of what the other man was fervently trying to convey as his voice kept getting drowned out by all the cars arriving for the Friday night late shows.

"I swear to you, Maya, _there is no_ _Tiffany_ , you've _got_ to believe me!" Phoenix insisted desperately, looking absolutely miserable.

Maya just stood there with her arms crossed, a skeptical look on her face.

"Don't you think if I was dating someone you'd have _known_ about her by now?" He hollered plaintively. "I mean, you and I _live_ together!"

"You don't have to lie to me Nick," she sniffed, trying to appear indifferent, although the hurt was still evident in her eyes. "I told you, I _don't_ care one way or another _anyway_!"

Edgeworth felt a stab of guilt at his part in this particular misunderstanding. He needed to remedy this. After all, in the end, Wright would make _himself_ look like a big enough fool, allowing Maya to see for _herself_ whom the better man for her was; he shouldn't have to win this battle with false pretenses.

"Wright's never been one to lie, Maya," he inserted, clearing his throat. "He's terrible at it, as you very well know. It may have just been the wrong number."

"Boy that was _quick_!" Rather than look pleased that Edgeworth had come to his defense, Phoenix scowled at him, as though annoyed at the interruption of their conversation. "Who are you, _Superman_ or something? Didja just go to a phone booth and _rip_ off your jeans and happen to have that pink suit and frilly, fluttery napkin thingie on underneath?"

 _Well that's gratitude for you! See if I play defense attorney for you_ _ **ever**_ _again Wright! Fine,_ _ **let**_ _her stay mad at you for some phantom, non-existent female!_

"If I _were_ a superhero, I wouldn't be about to divulge my secret identity to _you_ of all people now, would I, Wright?" Edgeworth eyed his rival coldly. "And for the _thousandth_ time, my suit is not _pink_ , it's _magenta_! And you know very well this _thingie_ , as you so eloquently put it, is called a _cravat_!"

Phoenix shrugged. "Whatever. We ready to roll?"

Edgeworth glowered as he got behind the wheel and the other two climbed inside and swallowed back a chuckle as Phoenix began sneezing the minute he got in the backseat.

They were almost at the main doors of the Bonaventure Hotel, where LA Prime was located, when Maya stopped suddenly and hesitated outside the entrance, a disheartened expression on her face as she regarded the two men.

"You guys look so nice compared to me!" She groaned, looking extremely self-conscious and distressed as she cast another glance at the lawyers and then down at her fan-girl accoutrements. "I wish _I_ could have changed too! Wait, at least I can do _this_ much…"

Without further preamble, she undid her ponytail, took off her baseball cap, and gave her head a shake. An avalanche of ebony hair tumbled out of her hat in silky waves, cascading around her shoulders, framing her perfect features, while the rest went spilling down her back, down to her waist, like an inky waterfall.

Both men stared, transfixed.

Edgeworth hadn't ever seen Maya's hair down before, so accustomed was he to seeing it in its usual semi topknot with beads. But _never_ , in his _whole life_ , had he _ever_ seen hair like hers.

Black strands cascaded down Maya's back like molten onyx. Around her face it was cut a little shorter, feathered layers to accentuate her exquisite visage and sparkling mahogany eyes. Then she shot him a smile that could light up the night and he realized right then and there why Phoenix had been acting so jealous and possessive the entire evening, and seemed so worried about Edgeworth 'stealing' his assistant away from him.

Because on top of being plucky, fun-loving and witty as hell…the prosecutor at last realized something his rival must have acknowledged ages ago.

Maya Fey was absolutely _beautiful_.

She had a kind of understated, natural beauty, perhaps because she was so disarmingly unaware of her prettiness. Her porcelain skin was completely flawless. He doubted she used face masks or expensive products; that really wasn't her. She was all about simplicity, making things easy, helping those around her to relax and be happy with what they had. Perhaps that was why her skin glowed so; it was her inner beauty that lit her eyes and softened her features. When she smiled and laughed you couldn't help but do the same, even if it was just on the inside. To be in her company was to feel that you too, were someone, that you had been warmed in summer rays regardless of the season.

Edgeworth slid his admiring gaze away for a split second to catch the defense attorney's reaction, and caught the unmistakable smitten look in his eyes he wasn't quick enough to conceal. It startled him, although in hindsight, it really shouldn't have.

 _This isn't just a game for Wright. He's actually head over heels_ _ **in love with her**_ _._

Edgeworth didn't know why he wasn't _more_ surprised at the realization. Up until that moment, it'd all just been a game, a friendly duel for the hand of the fair maiden. But it was more than that now. There were actually _real feelings_ … _hearts_ on the line.

And if he knew Phoenix Wright, and exactly _how much of a fool_ the other man could be when it came to women, Edgeworth was willing to bet his bottom dollar that _he_ had made the discovery of how Wright felt about Maya before the other man _himself_ even had!

The prosecutor couldn't claim he felt the same ardor Wright himself did for the comely young woman, that was true, but he certainly _liked_ her enough. What man wouldn't? Maya was always so full of exuberance, and was exhilaratingly silly, yet when the chips were down, steadfast and loyal, like when she'd helped him when he was on trial for murder. So much fun to be around, and overall good company. He certainly couldn't fault Wright for the way he felt.

What Edgeworth _could_ fault him for was being either too obtuse to _realize_ it, or too cowardly to _admit_ it!

He was still brooding about this as they walked into the lobby, and were told the restaurant was on the 35th floor and that the main elevator would take them up.

 _Oh good Lord, the_ _ **elevator**_ _…_

Edgeworth's heart sank as he glanced at his watch. It was 8:22. They had a table reservation in _exactly_ 8 minutes.

He'd been so distracted by the shenanigans that evening that it had _completely_ eluded him, as he'd loftily commented how Wright knew of such an upscale locale, of just _where_ said place was.

Yes he'd been there countless times, but always meeting the company he'd be dining with at the location, never arriving _with_ them. And always arriving early and _before_ they got there.

So he could have a head start taking the _stairs_ up!

He caught the smug look on Phoenix's face and gritted his teeth. So _this_ was why he'd suggested the place! Edgeworth's phobia of elevators was no secret. Phoenix had undoubtedly been hoping he would either pass out like a complete pansy in front of Maya, or be a dripping sponge if he took the stairs up and be most _undesirable_ company afterward!

 _That sadistic son of a…_

Edgeworth wouldn't let himself finish the thought. After all, since Phoenix didn't know that _he'd_ been the one to orchestrate the calamity with the behemoth woman, this petty revenge scheme had undoubtedly only been thought up as retaliation for getting kicked out of the theatre.

Which, come to think of it, Phoenix honestly had been all _too_ eager to abandon and hadn't seemed _upset_ about in the _slightest_ …

Phoenix and Maya stepped into the crowded elevator and looked expectantly at him, waiting for him to shove his way inside.

While Edgeworth wouldn't have minded getting a bit closer to the appealing Maya in such close quarters, with the way things had been going that night, he'd undoubtedly get sandwiched up against _Wright_ instead! And _then_ would probably have the defense attorney loudly and _embarrassingly_ announce it to the entire lift: _Edgeworth, I **told** you at the theater, I'm **not** gay! So get your **hand** off my **ass**!_

"You two go ahead," Edgeworth shooed his friends away with the wave of his hand. "There's too many people in there. I er…shall check the next one instead."

"Whatever you say, Edgeworth," Phoenix smirked as the doors started to close and shot him a wink—he was going to have Maya all to himself.

It was this infuriating thought that drove Edgeworth to sprint up those 35 flights of stairs in Olympic Gold Medalist record time, pausing only for a split second to dab his slightly damp brow with a handkerchief and smoothing his hair into place before making the final climb.

He was standing there, barely winded, beside the maître d'hôtel stand, his most shit-eating grin in place as the elevator doors opened at exactly 8:30.

Phoenix and Maya stepped out, the latter beaming prettily at the sight of him, the former baring the same expression he wore in court when he was frazzled. He looked down at his watch, then back at Edgeworth, his eyes the size of saucers.

" _Edgeworth_!? What the –? How? When?"

"Surprised, Wright?" It was Edgeworth's turn to smirk. "I'll bet you didn't know that my office is not only on the 12th floor, but I live in the penthouse condo suite…on the 30th floor. I'm no stranger to stairs."

"No…" Phoenix answered faintly, still looking completely gobsmacked. "I guess I didn't."

Edgeworth tapped his temple. "Never underestimate me, Wright. I'm _always_ going to be two steps ahead."

"Don't worry, Mr. _Thighs of Stee_ l," Phoenix grimaced. "I'll keep that in mind."

"OK, Nick, don't talk about Miles' thighs, it's freakin' _weird_!" Maya exclaimed, completely unaware of the underlying context of the conversation. "And Miles, don't encourage him."

Edgeworth wasn't sure if he was _mollified_ or _mortified_ by her attempt to placate things.

"Shall we dine?" He said at last, extending his arm to Maya and nodding at the man behind the podium. "Table for three under Miles Edgeworth."

"Right away, Mr. Edgeworth," the host beamed, bowing slightly as he guided them to their table, Edgeworth and Maya arm in arm, with Phoenix reluctantly trailing behind them.

The place was definitely not the kind of place one got a table on impulse. Large mullioned windows, long embroidered curtains, dark walnut tables, atop which sat crisp white linen tablecloths with gleaming silverware. Flowers on each table, delicate live piano music, flagstone tile floor, lounge area with embroidered couches, oval coffee tables with splendidly proportioned cabriole legs, tea served from silver trays in white teapots.

Best of all was the spectacular panoramic view of the city lights below them, viewable from any table, the bright lights lit-up like sparkling jewels, which were only rivaled by the twinkle of Maya's eyes as they were seated at their round window side table.

"It's so pretty!" She squealed, clasping her hands delightedly like an excited child. "I can't believe how high up we are! The view is unbelievable, isn't it Nick?"

"Yeah, it's pretty," Phoenix replied distractedly, his eyes frantically scanning the leather-bound menus they'd been handed and turning a decidedly pale color as he looked at the prices. "Er, Maya, do you want to um, split an appetizer with me?"

"Nick! I'm absolutely _starved_!" Maya cried, apparently forgetting that she'd eaten half a concession stand barely two hours ago. "And this is probably one of those fancy places that gives you baby-sized portions that wouldn't even fill up a toddler! Why can't you just order your own food and ask for a doggy bag if you can't finish it?"

"Um, because I don't know if a fancy place like this _does_ doggy bags, Maya." Phoenix awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "Besides, I ate a lot of popcorn at the theatre, you know, before I got the boot…and I'm not really _that_ hungry…"

There it was again, that twinge of conscience. Edgeworth sighed. He knew the other man was lying. They'd barely been in the theater half an hour before Sir Blue Knight had so gallantly offered to leave the theatre so that the he, along with the woman he plainly loved, could be happy and enjoy the movie.

It was heroic move, and all it had gotten the man was getting stuck at a restaurant he couldn't afford and having to beg his _clueless glutton_ of an assistant to get the hint and split an appetizer with him, more due to his inability to handle the _cost_ , rather than the _amount,_ of food.

Edgeworth knew what the right thing to do was. Whether or not Wright accepted the offer was entirely up to him, but at the very least, he knew it would gain him favor in Maya's eyes.

"Wright, Maya, please order whatever you want." He cleared his throat. "And don't worry about the price. It's on me."

"That's so sweet of you!" Maya beamed, clapping her hands. "Which is a good thing because I'm hungry enough to eat a horse, and I don't feel like sharing!" She looked pointedly at the man seated on her left. "Isn't that nice of Miles, Nick?"

"Yeah, it is," Phoenix mumbled, looking doubtfully at the prosecutor's face, as if to see if there was a catch to the offer, and finding none, flashed a genuine smile for the first time. "Thanks, Edgeworth! Maybe I'll have some room for an entrée after all! Hmmm…hey look they have _lobster_ as an _appetizer_!"

 _No good deed goes unpunished._ Edgeworth groaned inwardly. _It's a fortunate thing I have a tab here…I don't think I have enough cash left in my wallet after that concession excursion. Good God man! How does Wright afford this woman?_

He had already decided on the escargot in shell, with maître de butter, and ciabatta for dipping for an appetizer when Maya suddenly looked up with a frown.

"There's no burgers on this menu!"

"Maya, it's a fancy restaurant," Phoenix reminded her with exaggerated patience. "I'm sure they still have something you'll like. Why not just order a filet mignon and ask for them to stick two bun halves around it?"

"It's not the same!" She pouted. "I really wanted a burger, Nick!"

"I can check with the waiter to see what can be done." Edgeworth stifled a depressed sigh that the fancy ambiance and fine dining menu of seafood and steaks was lost on the unsophisticated palate of Maya Fey. "And by the way, Wright, it's _filet mignon."_

Phoenix looked at him blankly. "That's what I said."

"It's French. It's pronounced _feel-ay min-eeon_ ," he explained, just as the waiter arrived to take their order. "Not _fill-it mig-none_."

"Excuse me, Mr. Fancy Pants," Phoenix muttered, his cheeks turning pink at having been corrected in such a manner. "Um, can I please get, as an appetizer, the pan seared sonoma artisan fois gras farm please?"

"French again, Wright, it's _foy-grah_ , not _foz-grass_ ," Edgeworth quipped as Phoenix fumed. "Maya what will you be having?"

"Is there any way you can make some sort of hamburger as an appetizer if not an entrée?" Maya turned pleading puppy dog eyes first at Edgeworth then at the waiter. " _Please_?"

" _Hamburger_?" The waiter looked startled, as if Maya had asked for something completely alien, like stewed monkey heads. "I'm sorry Miss, but I don't think…"

"Maurice," Edgeworth said firmly. "A word, please?" The waiter leaned down as the prosecutor whispered into his ear, then the tuxedoed man rose again and smiled winsomely at Maya.

"As it so happens, Miss, we can gladly turn the prime beef tenderloin tartare into about half a dozen mini sliders, er, small-sized hamburgers for you, as a starter. I hope this pleases you?"

"Does it ever!" Maya grinned. "Could I get some ketchup with that please?"

" _Ketchup_?" Maurice echoed, trying not to sound aghast. "But it comes with _radish, truffle soy caramel, cilantro, taro crisp_ …" His voice trailed off as he caught Edgeworth's eye, noticing the prosecutor discreetly holding up his hand, "I shall find you _some_ sort of tomato substance in our kitchen if I have to squeeze them _myself_!"

He nodded at the three. "So, that will be sliders, er, mini burgers for the lady, fois gras for the gentleman, and yourself Mr. Edgeworth, Sir?"

"The escargot, please. And a bottle of Chateau Merlot for the three of us."

"Very good, Sir." The waiter nodded again when suddenly Phoenix called out.

" _Hold it_!"

Surprised, Maurice turned around again. "Yes, Sir?"

"I changed my mind," Phoenix told him benignly. "If I _can't properly pronounce the food,_ I'd just _not feel right ordering it_ , I'm afraid. Might I please change my starter to the LA Prime signature seafood platter for two?"

 _The most expensive appetizer on the menu_ , Edgeworth noted wryly. _Way to make your point, Wright!_

"That comes with ½ Maine lobster, pacific prawns, as well as today's oyster and crab selection," Maurice pleasantly informed the man who'd just claimed he barely had the stomach for half an appetizer. "An excellent choice, Sir. It's a quite large serving, shall I bring you some extra plates to share?"

"Oh no, that won't be necessary." There was an evil gleam in Phoenix's eye. "If I can't finish, I'll just have to ask you for a _doggy bag_ , won't I?"

"Certainly Sir, no worries." The waiter bowed slightly and walked away. "I shall be right back with your waters and wine."

The moment he'd left, Phoenix turned to Maya, the same wicked glint in his eye.

"You know, being Mr. _Cunning Linguist_ here wasn't always a good thing for Edgy, Maya," Phoenix remarked casually. "There were times when rather than being _revered_ for being the guy _who knew words that nobody else did_ , it just made people think he was a _mean, stuck-up, know it all jerk_!"

"Really?" Maya asked in surprise, not once turning her head in Edgeworth's direction, as if forgetting he was there. "When was that?"

"Oh, back in fourth grade I believe." Phoenix put a finger to his chin, as if lost in thought. "I believe it was the Valentine's Day dance and Edgy here wanted to impress Jilly Baxter, whom he _knew I liked_ , with his ladies' man wooing skills by telling her how _fetching_ she looked in her pretty pink lacy dress."

" _Fetching_?" Maya echoed. "Um, that means pretty, right?"

"It does," Phoenix nodded confirmation, ignoring the reddish tint to Edgeworth's cheeks. "It was probably more commonly used as a compliment back in the days of _Abraham Lincoln_ of course, but that's neither here nor there…"

" _Wright_ …" Edgeworth growled, grinding his teeth.

"So you see, Maya, as a grown woman, you _yourself_ weren't too sure what that word meant, and probably wondered, like the rest of us all did, _why_ Edgy just couldn't have saved the smart words for the spelling bee and just said Jilly looked _nice_." Phoenix looked triumphant as Maya started giggling, as if sensing where this was heading. Edgeworth glared daggers at him.

"So instead, he sent her _home in tears_ because she thought he meant she _looked like a d_ og and Edgy wanted to _play fetch_ with her."

"Oh no!" Maya gasped, giggling maniacally. "That's so awful!"

"I _know_!" Phoenix laughed. "The teacher made him stay late for detention that day and write out lines of ' _I will not use words that hurt even accidentally_ ' 100 times!"

Maya turned to the now scarlet-faced Edgeworth, her eyes dancing with mirth. "You've come a long way since, haven't you Miles?" She snickered. "Stick with calling girls _lovely_ , OK? Cuz we _all_ understand what _that_ means!"

Edgeworth closed his eyes and tried to squelch the images of himself throttling the defense attorney with his cravat.

Luckily, he was saved by the appearance of their appetizers, which included, he noted, a brand new, apparently never-used glass bottle of the requested ketchup.

" _Bon appetit_ ," Maurice announced, setting down their plates.

Phoenix's eyes widened when he saw his platter.

"Wow, half the cast of _The Little Mermaid_ is on here," he joked, cracking open a crab leg. "I was only kidding about not sharing Maya. You can have some, if you want."

"It's alright, Nick, I gotta finish these scrumptious looking sliders first," Maya assured him, her brow furrowed with concentration as she struggled with the cap on the bottle. " _Oof_!"

"Want me to try?" Phoenix offered.

"No, I can do this!" Maya grunted, struggling again. "Yeesh, seems like you really gotta have _superhuman_ strength to get this damn thing off!"

"Come on, Maya," Phoenix held out a hand for the bottle and grudgingly, Maya complied.

Edgeworth silently glared at him as he gallantly received the bottle from Maya and began his fruitless attempt at trying to open it. Phoenix grunted and scrunched up his face at the effort.

After several moments of watching Phoenix's wasted labors at opening the ketchup, Edgeworth reached over chivalrously, and held out his hand for the bottle.

"Give it here, Wright! I'm sure Maya doesn't want to wait all night for you to open that!"

"Oh, like _your_ girly hands can open –"

Edgeworth leaned toward him and snatched the bottle out of his hands, the cap fell to the table and a large blob of ketchup shot from the bottle onto his crisp snowy cravat.

" _Ngh_!" He shrieked in alarm, jumping up out of his seat and dropping his fork back into the pool of butter, which only splashed greasy yellow spots along with the red.

"Oh my God, Miles!" Maya clapped a hand over her mouth in horror.

Phoenix bit his cheeks to keep from laughing, "Whoops! I guess I must've loosened the cap after all..."

"M- My _cravat_!" Edgeworth spluttered, looking down at the soiled garment in disbelief.

"It's not _that_ bad," Phoenix said innocently. "With the yellow mixed with the red, it looks like one of those Jackson Pollock paintings, really."

"Shut up, Wright!" He snapped, taking deep breaths in an effort to compose himself.

"You _could_ just take it off," Phoenix jeered.

"I am _not_ taking off my cravat!" Edgeworth glared. "It's a part of who I _am_!"

"Little Brother, why on earth are you wearing that stained cravat?" A familiar voice suddenly asked, with evident disdain. "You look like a completely foolish fool, not to mention a total _slob_!"

"Did you have an accident, Mr. Edgeworth, Sir?"

Phoenix, Maya and Edgeworth all turned their heads, and standing there, hands on hips, stood Franziska Von Karma. Next to her was Detective Dick Gumshoe, for once without his trademark trench coat.

"Hiya Gumshoe, Ms. Von Karma!" Maya waved. "So nice to see you here! But where's your coat, Detective?"

"Um, Sir offered to buy me dinner for all the hard work I did in the Matt Engarde case," the scruffy detective told her with a big smile on his broad face. "But she told me she'd only bring me to a nice place like this if I left my coat in the car."

" _He_ can leave his filthy coat for one night, Little Brother," Franziska wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Yet _you_ would sit here in company with a soiled cravat?"

"It works as a bib," Phoenix chuckled, getting up to shake Gumshoe's hand and smiling at Franziska.

 _I will strangle you with my cravat, Wright_ , the normally peace-loving prosecutor thought darkly. _Then I will prosecute myself, have Maya channel her late sister to defend me, and, after the judge hears my_ _ **motives**_ _for murder, will_ _ **undoubtedly be found not guilty**_ _while_ _ **you**_ _, Wright,_ _ **remain dead….**_

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**


	6. The Dearly Departed

_Yanmegaman -It's alive! It's aliiiiiiive! Woo! I'm really happy to be a part of raising this story from the grave! For those of you who don't know me, I'm an author who likes to act as a balance to my co-pilot's angst with my fun-filled tales! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, as I poured plenty of my blood, sweat, and tears (almost literally in the case of blood, but that's a story for another time) into it!_

 _JP – I am over the moon excited to have this story back on track after so long! This chapter is courtesy of my very funny co-pilot whom I'm sure a lot of you already know! The very funny master of FF fluff himself… Yanmegaman! We will do our best to ensure this story is updated more regularly going forward! Enjoy!_

* * *

 **Chapter Six:** **The Dearly Departed**

 _...And finally, when Maya and I are married, our reception will be held at your gravesite and our first dance shall be on your grave!_

Edgeworth amused himself by continuing to contemplate all the evil and twisted things he could do to get back at his spiky-headed rival. He looked on at the blue clad defense attorney, who was still standing and talking to Gumshoe. The two men were laughing as Phoenix cracked some sort of joke. The fuming prosecutor was so caught up in his dark thoughts that he missed someone shouting his name.

"Miles Edgeworth!" Franziska cried angrily at her adopted brother. Upon receiving no response, the blue-haired woman gritted her teeth and grabbed her ever-present whip from its holster, launching a strike straight at the magenta clad man's forehead.

" _YEOWCH_!" Edgeworth cried out as the leather of the whip struck. He instinctively brought a hand to his to rub the spot where the weapon had now undoubtedly left a red mark on his forehead. "Franziska, what on earth was that for!?"

" _Humph_!" Franziska huffed as the replaced her whip into its holster, and then crossed her arms across her chest, squeezing her bicep. "That was to get your attention, Little Brother! I _refuse_ to allow one such as yourself, who is associated with the von Karmas, to be seen in such an establishment with a _dirty, disgusting_ cravat that looks as if it has been _used as a napkin_! Either remove that now _ruined_ garment, or go clean it in the restroom!"

"I have already said that I will not- _OW_!" Edgeworth cried out as another lash with the whip struck his cheek. "Fine! I'm going!" He turned his attention back to the spirit medium. "Maya, please excuse me for a moment while I attempt to remedy this."

"It's alright Edgeworth. Nick and I will be right here when you get back." Maya replied, flashing a beautiful smile at the man.

Edgeworth turned and began to make his way toward the restroom. _Yes, I am_ _ **quite**_ _sure Wright will still be there when I return. That is_ _ **precisely**_ _what I am afraid of!_

He entered the men's room of the restaurant and was relieved to see that he was alone. He quickly removed his cravat as he made his way to the sink and turned on the faucet to run completely hot water, knowing full well that only water _hotter than Hades himself_ would have any hope of restoring the snowy white garment to its former glory. As soon as the water was near scalding, he grabbed a few sheets of paper towel and put soap on them before going to work and scrubbing at the cravat with every last ounce of strength he could muster.

However, it was to no avail.

It became clear within minutes that the fluttering white neck adornment was past the point of no return.

He sighed sadly to himself. _I was a fool to think I could save it. Bright red ketchup on a pure white piece of fabric? Any person knows that this means certain doom._

Edgeworth laid the dearly departed cravat on the counter and pulled out his cell phone, sending a message to Geoffrey: _**Prepare the incinerator upon my return. We've lost this one.**_

It took only a moment before his phone vibrated, signaling a text from his manservant: _**Shall I also prepare my bagpipes for a proper ceremony, sir?**_

Edgeworth quickly typed out a reply of _yes_ before pocketing the device and turning his attention back to the soiled garment on the counter. He picked it up and made his way to the blow dryer on the wall. Pressing the button, he held his beloved cravat under the flow of the warm air to dry it. Once satisfied with it, he placed the adornment on the counter again and began folding it into a perfect triangle, much like one would fold the American flag. _Good night sweet prince._ He thought mournfully. _Worry not, for I shall avenge you!_

Pocketing the folded cravat, Edgeworth exited the restroom and made his way back to his table. What he saw made a fire ignite within the deepest pit of his stomach.

Phoenix and Maya were not only _sitting next to each other_ , but also _sharing_ the defense attorney's seafood platter and _laughing merrily_!

 _Luckily, it would seem as though Franziska and Gumshoe have returned to their own table._ He thought to himself as he absent-mindedly rubbed his cheek. _I may have grown up with Franziska's abuse, but being struck with a whip is something to which one does not,_ _ **nor ever should,**_ _grow accustomed!_

As Maya broke apart a crab leg to get at the juicy meat inside, she happened to notice that the prosecutor had returned to from the facilities and waved at him. "Oh, Miles, you're back! Don't worry, we didn't touch your food!"

"Of _course_ we didn't. Why would we want to eat _snails_?" Phoenix guffawed. Just the mere sound of his rival's laughter filled Edgeworth with rage as he took his seat at the table.

"Yes, well I suppose escargot is a bit of an _acquired taste_." Edgeworth replied through nearly gritted teeth.

Maya stopped stuffing her face for a moment to examine the prosecutor and treated him to a soft, serene smile. "Wow, Miles, you actually look really good without the cravat. It's a nice change of pace."

" _Humph_! Please! I feel positively _naked_ without it." Edgeworth placed a hand where normally his fluttering neck adornment would be. "I feel as though I've lost a piece of myself."

"Oh, would you _stop_ it, Miles. You look great! Or should I say…" Maya seemed to wrack her brain for a moment, searching for the right word. " _Fetching_ , was it?"

Edgeworth could feel his face grow warm as a slight blush crept upon his cheeks. He was usually not so bashful, but being called _fetching_ by such a ravishing young beauty stirred something within him.

However, Phoenix took notice of his now reddened face, and did not allow this chance to slip. " _Whoa_! You feeling all right there, Edgeworth? Your _face_ just about _matches_ your suit!"

This comment snapped Edgeworth back to reality as he gave his head a slight shake. "I-I'm fine." He stammered out, picking up his fork. "Now, why don't we all enjoy our meal? Maya, I see you have finished your sliders. I take it they were to your liking?"

"Oh, yeah they were _awesomesauce_! However, I definitely could have eaten more! I _figured_ this would be one of those places with tiny portions."

 _How you were able to pile those burgers on top of all that candy and popcorn you consumed already absolutely baffles me! And now you have moved on to seafood!? It's becoming quite clear why Wright can scarcely afford to pay for his own food!_

As Edgeworth picked up his silverware to return to his meal, trying to forget the loss of his cravat, just out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of something that made his heart very nearly give out.

Maya reached for a glass of wine, filled nearly halfway, and began _drinking_ it!

Edgeworth's silverware fell back to the table in shock. "Maya! What in God's name do you think you're doing!?"

"Hmm?" Maya stared at the man quizzically. "I'm just enjoying a nice glass of wine with my food. Is something wrong?" She seemed completely oblivious as she took another sip.

Edgeworth quickly glanced around the restaurant before replying in a hushed tone. "Yes, _something_ is _very wrong_! You're _underage_! You should _not_ be drinking that!"

"Oh, c'mon, lighten up, Edgeworth!" Phoenix suddenly butted into the conversation as he began prying open an oyster. "It's just _one_ glass."

Edgeworth reeled back and regarded the man with disgust. "Wright, _you_ of all people should know very well that this has _nothing_ to do with the amount of alcohol, but the _legality_ of her _consumption_ of it! I can't believe you would even allow this!"

"Hey, calm down!" Phoenix replied defensively. "Look, the waiter brought three glasses and she poured herself one when I wasn't paying attention. I figure at this point, it's best to just let her finish it rather than make a scene and draw attention to it."

At this point, the magenta-clad man was absolutely _fuming_. "Wright, I had you pegged for a buffoon, but _this_ is beyond even my wildest imagination! You _are_ aware that if this were to get out, we could both very well lose our badges, correct!?"

"Which is why I said we shouldn't make a scene!" Phoenix cried back in a hushed toned. "Look, I don't like this anymore than you do, but as long we just make it this one glass and don't let the knowledge of this leave this table, we'll be fine."

"Oh yes, I'm certain we'll be _perfectly_ alright." Edgeworth replied sarcastically, his rage readily apparent to both Phoenix and Maya. "Are you forgetting that just before I left, we were speaking to not only a _prosecutor_ , but a _detective!?_ If _those two return_ , we could very easily be _arrested_ for _providing alcohol_ to a _minor_!"

Phoenix opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Maya. "He's right, Nick." The two men cast their gaze back to the girl in question, who had a saddened look on her face. She pushed the glass of wine over to the prosecutor. "I'm sorry, Miles. I should have known better. I really don't wanna get you or Nick in trouble."

Glancing first at the glass of wine then at Maya, Edgeworth couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt as he saw the saddened look on her face. The glass was nearly empty at this point, holding only a few more sips. He sighed to himself. _I'm becoming too soft._

"Er, Maya… Considering how little is left in your glass… I see no harm in allowing you to finish it."

Maya shook her head. "No, it's fine, Mr. Edgeworth. I don't wanna get you in trouble."

Maya returning to calling him _Mr. Edgeworth_ cut fairly deep. He'd grown rather fond of their using first names with each other that evening. Being pushed back to _Mr. Edgeworth_ felt rather like a _steel-toed, boot to the head_!

He picked up the glass and handed it back to the her. "Please. I _insist_. I don't wish to be a damper on the mood of the evening. I'm certain this _one_ glass couldn't hurt."

Maya looked into the man's eyes to assess the sincerity in them. "A-are you sure? Won't you guys get in trouble?"

"Hey, _I_ tried to keep quiet about it from the get-go, Maya." Phoenix said pointedly. "So long as no one _important_ sees you drinking it, we'll be OK."

"Indeed." Edgeworth replied, for once actually _agreeing_ with Phoenix that evening. "And besides, I ordered a full bottle. I'm driving tonight, and I doubt Wright could drink it all on his own. Far be it from me to let good wine go to waste."

The young woman looked at both men for a moment before smiling an almost gleaming smile. "OK, if you're sure! Thanks, Miles!" She quickly snatched up the glass and returned to eating and enjoying her wine.

Phoenix, not about to let this slide, looked at the prosecutor and plastered on a shit-eating grin. " _Awe_! You're just a big softy, aren't you, Edgeworth?"

He scowled at the blue attorney. " _Can it_ , Wright! As much I hate to admit it, you _are_ right. She's very nearly emptied her glass and surely, she can handle _one_. But we must be certain that _no one_ ever hears about this."

"You don't have to tell _me_ twice. I'm too pretty for jail!" Phoenix exclaimed. His comment earned an annoyed groan from his frenemy.

 _Just deal with it, Edgeworth._ The prosecutor told himself. _Get through this dinner and get Maya home. That's all I need to do. Suffering Wright has been a chore in and of itself tonight, so what's_ _ **another**_ _ **half hour**_ _?_

However, much like everything else that evening, that expected half an hour was much more than Edgeworth could have expected. Maya's one glass of wine quickly became two as the young medium sweet-talked the two lawyers into another.

 _Either I'm becoming soft, or this woman is a_ _ **master manipulator**_ _! The fact that I allowed her to drink_ _ **one**_ _glass is bad enough, but I have now allowed a_ _ **teenager**_ _to con me into allowing her to drink_ _ **two glasses**_ _of fine wine!_

"Maya, are you feeling alright?" Edgeworth anxiously asked now flushed young woman. "I don't mean to sound like a proverbial party pooper, but this is rather _heady_ wine. I simply worry that it may be too strong for you."

Maya turned to face the prosecutor, looking him in the eye… Or rather, what she believed to be his eye. She actually appeared to be looking slightly to the left of his gaze. "I'm fiiiiiine, Miles. Don't be such a worry *hic* wort."

 _Oh,_ _ **Lord**_ _!_ Edgeworth thought as he brought a hand to his face in mortification. _I've now got a_ _ **drunken teenager**_ _on my hands in one of the most upscale restaurants in the city!_ He looked at Phoenix, who was sipping a glass of wine himself. The spiky-haired man rather seemed to be _enjoying_ seeing Maya in her drunken state! This caused the slate-haired man to scowl in his rival's general direction. _If I didn't know any better, I would say that Wright had this_ _ **planned**_ _from the start! God knows he has taken_ _ **every**_ _opportunity he can to make me look a fool of me in front of Maya tonight! Why not up the ante and portray me as an_ _ **incompetent prosecutor**_ _who provides alcohol to minors, to the_ _ **entire city**_ _!?_

Phoenix finally took notice of Edgeworth trying to glare holes into him, and smirked. "Hey, forget _Maya_ for a second, Edgeworth. _You're_ looking kinda _red in the face_ , yourself! _Again_!"

 _Oh, I'm certain that I_ _ **am**_ _!_

"Yes, well, I suppose it's starting to feel a bit warm in here. Perhaps it would be good to –" Before Edgeworth could finish his sentence, the waiter returned to the table.

"Hello, Mr. Edgeworth. I simply wished to check and make sure that everything was to your liking?" Maurice queried graciously.

"Oh, hello again, Maurice. Yes, everything was delicious. Thank you very much." Edgeworth replied to the server as he turned his attention away from his spiky-haired rival.

"That is good to hear, sir. Moreover, I see that you managed to finish your seafood platter as well. I trust you will not be in need of a, er, _doggy bag_?"

A slight jolt of angry pain went through Edgeworth's head at the mention of a _doggy bag._

"Indeed," he replied calmly to the waiter. "In fact, I believe we are _ready for the check_." He added, wanting to hurry things along and get out of the restaurant, _posthaste!_

"Ah, yes. Give me just a – "

" _Hold it!_ " A loud voice suddenly cried from their table.

The volume of the familiar _courtroom bellow_ very nearly made both Edgeworth and Phoenix jump clean out of their skin! The prosecutor turned in his seat to look in the direction it had come from, to find himself staring at Maya, who was pointing a shaky finger at the waiter in a matter not at all dissimilar to both attorney's famous legal pose.

"Er, was there something you wanted, Miss? Please don't hesitate to ask." Maurice said politely, although clearly shaken from her shout just moments before.

 _Oh Lord! I have a_ _ **bad feeling**_ _about this._ Edgeworth thought to himself.

"Yeah, YEAH! There was *hic* was something I wanted. Dessert!" The drunken spirit medium managed to slur out. "What kinda dessert you got here?"

 _ **More**_ _food!? I've heard claims of a person's stomach being a bottomless pit, but in all my years, I have_ _ **never**_ _seen better evidence for it than_ _ **this girl**_ _,_ _ **right here**_ _!_

"Oh, our dessert menu hosts a great variety of cakes and other such delicacies. Would you like to take a look at it for yourself?"

"Yes please!" Maya exclaimed before hiccupping again.

"Very well, Miss. I shall be back shortly." With that, Maurice turned away and left to bring back a dessert menu.

"Maya," Edgeworth began as he faced the young woman. "Are you absolutely _certain_ that you want dessert? I can only imagine piling more sugar on top of popcorn, burgers, seafood, and wine will make for quite the bomb to your stomach in the morning."

"Oh, _pfffffft_! This'll be nothing, Miles. I've got _iron stomachs_!" Maya proudly announced.

"I gotta agree with her, Edgeworth." Phoenix offered, suddenly reminding the prosecutor of his presence. "This girl could eat half of the stuff in this place's kitchen and tomorrow she'd _still_ be begging for me to take her out for burgers. She swears up and down that she has _several_ stomachs."

 _At this point, I very much wouldn't doubt it! I thought that_ _ **walking land-whale**_ _at the theatre had a lot of food, but now I see that feeding_ _ **her**_ _would be several times cheaper than_ _ **this**_ _woman, who has undoubtedly eaten enough food,_ _ **tonight alone**_ _, to feed a_ _ **small country**_ _!_

Edgeworth's thoughts were interrupted as Maurice reappeared, handing a menu to Maya. "Here you are, Miss. Please take a moment to look it over and let me know what you would like."

Maya quickly snatched the menu out of the server's hand, very nearly pulling his arm out of its socket, as she began to skim the desserts. "Oh, I've always wondered what _tiramisu_ is like."

"To answer your question, it is a type of coffee cake, layered with a mixture eggs, sugar, and mascarpone cheese and flavored with cocoa." Edgeworth clarified, then inserted, entirely out of reflex, "and actually, Maya, it is pronounced _terra-masoo_ , _tear-a-meesu_."

"Whoa, thanks for correcting me there, ya _grammar Nazi!_ " Maya loudly cackled, smirking as Edgeworth blushed furiously at being compared to a _World War II German soldier_! The tipsy teen looked back to the waiter. "I'll have the tiramisu." She said, _still_ mispronouncing the Italian dessert, nevertheless.

As this all took place, Phoenix observed all this from his seat while snickering to himself, as the prosecutor's face seemed to change _50 shades of red_ in absolute embarrassment!

Edgeworth looked up towards the heavens.

 _If there is a God, may He please strike me down_ _ **now**_ _!_


	7. Asses, Flatus & Spotted Dicks…Oh Myyyy!

_JP - Sir Red Knight officially challenges Sir Blue Knight as of this chapter... plus Phoenix is forced to pull the ultimate bluff in order to save drunken Maya's clown ass! Will his rival let him sink...or help him swim?_

 _Yanmegaman- Don't let my partner in crime fool you. She claims to be the Angst Queen and I the Court Jester, but she has quite the funny bone! I also feel she has her own reasons for wanting Nick to book it for Canada._

* * *

 **Chapter Seven: Asses, Flatus & Spotted Dicks…Oh Myyyy!**

"It's a _pun_ , fellas! I dunno why _youse guys_ don' _get_ it!" Maya hooted uproariously at her own wit, mindless to the expressions of the grimly speechless lawyers, whose mutually flustered states about her drunken condition was only _mounting_ with _each passing minute_! " _Phoenix_ _Wrights a bicycle_ , and _Edgeworth_ _drives a car for Miles_! _Get it_? Cuz Nick _can't drive_ , except for his _bike_ , and Miles has a _car_!"

Phoenix cast a sideways glimpse at the equally unamused Edgeworth, whose visage conveyed that he would've gladly _driven his car off a cliff_ at that moment if it had meant euphoric escape from this _fresh hell_!

 _We_ _ **get**_ _it!_ He grumbled to himself. _It was so funny that we_ _ **forgot to laugh**_ _! I didn't think it was possible, but drinking makes Maya_ _ **even**_ _ **more**_ _of a_ _ **clown ass**_ _than usual…but_ _ **even less of a funny one**_ _than_ _ **Moe the Clown**_ _!_

" _Humph_! Tough crowd, I see! Whatever!" Waving her hand dismissively at the men, Maya turned to her dessert then, and moaned in rapture, her eyes closed blissfully as she dug into it. " _Oh my God_ this is _**out of this world sublime**_ _!_ This tastes even _better_ than that _Italian dessert thingamajig_ I tried to order earlier, but couldn't pronounce, hence the grammar Nazi had to correct me!"

She was joyfully oblivious to Edgeworth's bashful blush at the quip and speared another forkful of sweet, rich custard, mixed with dried, then steamed, raisins and currants. Then, with _less coordination than a_ _concussed troll,_ she tantalizingly waved a forkful clumsily in Phoenix's face, nearly _poking out his eyeball_ in the process!

"Nick, you have _no idea_ what _you're_ _missing_!" She pouted. "Are you _sure_ you don't want to try some? I mean, once you get over the _funny as all holy hell_ name, which I admit is _totally_ why I ordered it, it's a mouthful of absolute heaven!"

"No thanks, Maya, I'm really full now," Phoenix replied quickly, jerking his head away in the nick of time from the ineptly roving fork tines, and just barely escaping _eyeball-gouging damage_!

"Oh _Miles_ …" Maya trilled in a singsong voice, leaning across the blue attorney and attempting to shove a forkful into the abashed prosecutor's mouth. "What's in a name? Surely a fruity dessert _not named_ after _male loins_ would _taste just as sweet_! _Try it_! You _know_ you _want_ it!"

"It's all yours, Maya," Edgeworth smiled faintly at the attempted poetic use, in as a polite to voice he could muster, trying not to look too dismayed at the other _two_ , _still yet to be consumed,_ dessert plates sitting in front of the totally _bassackwards_ spirit medium. "Thank you very much for the offer, though."

" _Iamsickofyoursuckiness_!" Maya scowled at the two attorneys, her words tumbling from her mouth in a rush of barely distinguishable syllables. "Why youse _both_ gotta be so _rigid and immature?_ Are you afraid I'll say _you are_ _what you eat_ if you try some? Because I _won't, I promise!"_

Her voice had risen several octaves, causing several of the other diners at the surrounding tables to turn their heads and stare at the trio. Edgeworth literally slumped downward in his seat in humiliation.

" _Hee_! I made a funny!" Maya twittered all of a sudden. She jabbed Phoenix in the side with her elbow, _hard_ , completely oblivious to his pained grunt. "Get it? _Rigid_? Because _youse guys_ are such _tight-ass_ , _stick in the muds_ you refuse to be seen putting this nummy British dessert _in your mouths_ , _just_ cuz it happens to _hilariously_ be named _Spotted Dick_!"

Her voice was even louder this time, and the diners who had been wordlessly staring up until that point now _fully_ _snickered_ , as both attorneys turned bright red at that exact moment, while wishing they could both disappear!

 _Oh, please, shout that out just_ _ **a little bit**_ _more_ _ **loudly**_ _, Maya_! Phoenix groaned inwardly, barely resisting the urge to bury his head in his hands. _I think there_ _ **may**_ _have been_ _ **two people**_ _in_ _ **Abu Dhabi**_ _who_ _ **didn't**_ _hear you!_

" _Milessss_ …" Maya slurred, suddenly taking note of the prosecutor's humiliated expression. " _Why so serious_? Did I do something wrong, _Mr. Grumpy Pants_? Why aren't you _smiling_ anymore?" Without waiting for his response, she leaned across Phoenix once again, stretched out her arms, and literally lifted the corners of the unsmiling charcoal-haired man's lips upward into a forced grin with her fingers. "See, _now_ you're smiling and look _so much cuter_ now! You went from being _Miles Edgeworth_ to being _Smiles Edgeworth!"_

Edgeworth appeared as though he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but somehow managed to keep his involuntary smile in place, even though the anxious look in his eyes didn't waver.

 _Good Lord, it's like watching a train wreck!_ Phoenix stared at the swaying and slurring mess seated next to him at the table, her hair a tousled mess and her cheeks flushed red, torn between hilarity and incredulity. _You can't look away even if your life depended on it! Well, in this case, it's not so much my_ _ **life that's dependent**_ _as much as keeping_ _ **my defense attorney badge,**_ _which will be contingent on our stealth capability of sneaking this now_ _ **visibly tipsy teenager**_ _out of this_ _ **shi-shi frou-frou**_ _place, unnoticed!_

" _Maya_!" He hissed at his assistant, his cheeks undoubtedly as on fire as the magenta-clad man's were. "Could you _pipe down_ a notch? You're embarrassing both me and Edgeworth! This is a _swanky joint,_ not our usual _burger dive_! Not _everyone_ around us needs to know how _cute_ you think his _stupid smile_ is, or be forced to hear the _TMI of what_ you're eating, especially that sweet _elderly_ couple in the corner!"

"You _can't_ tell me what to do, Nick!" She huffed, puffing out her cheeks in her customary petulant fashion. "You're not the boss of me!" Defiantly she speared her fork into her now third dessert plate, but then paused and flashed a loopy lopsided grin. " _Haaaa_! Actually _wait_ … You _kinda, sorta, technically are_ my boss, aren't you? But it's after-hours now, so you can stop being _Mr. Bossy Pants,_ you old fart!"

"We are _all_ of us out as friends and colleagues _on equal footing_ ," Edgeworth interjected smoothly, not wanting there to be a commotion. "Perhaps what Wright was trying to convey, in his _typical inarticulate fashion_ …" He ignored the withering glare he got from his frenemy for that slight dig. "Is perhaps the other patrons would enjoy their dining experience better if they were not privy to hearing _all_ the details of our conversation…"

"Are you trying say that I'm _embarrassing_ you, Miles?" Maya's expression turned sulky. "You don't want anyone looking over and seeing you dining with the _underdressed girl_ at your fancy, _schmancy_ restaurant, is that it?"

 _Oh man, I almost feel bad for Edgeworth about_ _ **this**_ _one!_ Phoenix winced slightly. _And even_ _ **I**_ _know he didn't mean it like_ _ **that**_ _! The only one he acts like a_ _ **grade-A, world-class, turd-fondler**_ _with is_ _ **me**_ _!_

"Good heavens _no_!" Edgeworth looked authentically appalled at the accusation. "Maya, I assure you, I am _thoroughly_ enjoying your delightful companionship! It's just that perhaps… your disposition may have been _slightly altered_ from its normal congenial state, due to the copious amount of wine you've consumed…"

" _Oh I get it now_! _Y'all two_ think I'm _Count Drunkula_!" Maya tried to glower at them, but then erupted into a fresh fit of giggles. "But that's so silly! You can't be _drunk_ if you _know_ you're _drunk_ , right?"

The two men glanced at one another, completely speechless on how to respond to this bizarre sort of logic, when the spirit medium tittered once more, shakily got to her feet and waved her finger with mock sternness at them.

"Luckily y'all are _both_ _such hunks_ , else I'd be _really mad_ at you for your _baseless conjecture_ in thinking I'm _not so farfrompuken_!" Maya laughed gaily as both attorneys instantaneously blushed at her charmed words. "I'm just _gay_! Meant in the _innocuous, 1950's way_! Hee! That rhymes!"

The raven-haired brunette leaned forward on the table, needing to brace herself onto it with her arms to remain steady and shook her head, treating them to a broad, Puckish beam.

"I'm in a happy place right now, otherwise I'd be mighty resentful at such _a false accusation_ and say _'I'm not Unk-dray! How dare you! I'm the soberest girl in this room, you big meanies!'_ But lemme tell youse something."

She grabbed her glass of water next to her consumed tiramisu and Spotted Dick, chugged it back, and then slammed it back down, nearly missing the table entirely, had not been for Phoenix's fast reflexes of catching it before it crashed to the floor.

"I'm ash sober ash 'm gonna git. And nuffink - nuffink you can do 'boutit! Ima go to the ladies' room and go make some more room for those last couple of desserts!" With that, she patted her tummy, then ambled away towards the restrooms, without so much as a hiccup in their direction. The two men nervously watched her slightly stumbling form grow smaller and smaller, until finally Maya was out of sight.

The moment she had disappeared from their vision, Edgeworth grabbed Phoenix by the arm, completely panic-stricken. "We need to talk, Wright. _What in God's name_ are we going to do about the…" he cast a furtive glance around them and lowered his voice. " _Just south of bejesus_ situation on our hands? _How_ could she possibly be so _blitzed_ after only _two glasses_ of red wine?!"

"I don't know!" Phoenix shrugged helplessly. "I guess she's a light-weight?! I didn't watch her pour her wineglass until it was too late, but knowing Maya, she probably _filled_ her _enormous balloon glassware_ _up to the brim_ instead of just putting in the traditional _splash and a half_ before we busted her _guzzling_ it!"

"While we neither of us are aware of the _exact details_ of how we arrived at this bloody Maya disaster on our hands, one thing I _very well know_ is _exactly_ _what_ this entire evening has been all about, Wright, even if _she_ still doesn't!" The prosecutor folded his arms across his broad chest and stared at the spiky-haired man pointedly. "Just to be clear, the _challenge_ is _duly accepted_! You should also know that I have _no intention_ of losing, especially to the likes of _you_."

"This is just one big _pissing contest_ to you, isn't it, you _smarmy, arrogant,_ _ **prig**_?" Phoenix's fiery dark orbs shot daggers at his opponent. " _You know that I know that you know that I know_ that you're only doing this to _get back at_ _**me**_ for all the times I've mopped _the floor_ with you in court! Just admit it, already! You don't have any _actual_ interest in my assistant, and you damn well know it!"

"Having a rival for the fair maiden's hand is quite the jolting _erlebnisse_ for you, is it not?" The prosecutor responded imperturbably, a challenging glint in his eye, which only angered the normally mild-mannered blue attorney even more.

"Stop talking like a _walking dictionary_ and just speak _normally_ for once, you pompous … _egg-headed_ , _Poindexter!_ " Steam was positively coming out of Phoenix's ears by now. "Maya's heart is _not_ a toy and she is not some _prize_ to be won!"

"You wish to protect the young maiden from my _dastardly clutches_ , is that it, Sir Blue Knight?" The prosecutor derided.

"I _won't_ let you _hurt her_ or _use her_ as a pawn just to get back at me, in some warped, twisted form of retaliation that you have plotted out in that _vengeful, conniving mind_ of yours!" Phoenix spat. "If that means protecting her from _you_ , _Sir Red Knight_ , then so _be_ it!"

"You couldn't _protect crumbs from a gang of drunk roaches_ , Wright." Calm grey eyes calmly met stormy indigo ones, although a glint of mirth flickered within them at the fury in his contender's gaze. "I must inform you, while your overprotectiveness of your _employee_ is nobly admirable, it is truly unfortunate how sorely you underestimate both _myself_ , as well as the _genuine appeal_ of your law office manager."

"I notice her _appeal_ just _fine_ , _thankyouverymuch_!" Phoenix snapped, before he realized what he was saying, then flushed slightly at the insolent grin the smoky-eyed man shot at him.

"Surely, I cannot be the _first_ male to recognize that Mother Nature has been _most kind_ to the beguilingly _fetching_ Maya Fey, since she first came to work with you?" Phoenix's nostrils flared at this remark, and Edgeworth's smug smile only widened. "However, I can only _logically deduce_ that if I _weren't_ , you wouldn't be _quite_ so disconcerted about the fact that you've _noticed me, noticing her_ , now, would you?"

"That's _beside the point_!" Phoenix barely resisted the urge to haul back his fist and let it explode, right into his courtroom adversary's _overly smug, man-pretty face_! "It doesn't matter whether or not you genuinely find her attractive and actually _want to be with her or not!_ La _Femme Drunkita presently_ is in _no way, shape or form,_ in the proper mindset to be making _any_ kind of _monumental or minor_ decisions, regarding her love life, or _anything,_ whatsoever! You and I should be working together and trying to figure out how to _sneak her the hell out of here_ , not _bragging_ over which one of us is going to be the victoriously valiant suitor of this jousting match!"

"You'd like me to back off, due to your desire to arrogate your claim on the lovely Maya Fey," Edgeworth drawled. "Yet your persistent accismus to admit the _real_ reason for this is _also why_ my answer to all of this is: _may the best man win_!"

"Oh, it's _on_ like _Donkey Kong! Wait! Hold it!"_

"Yesss…?"

"You made me stray away from my main argument!" Phoenix thundered, slamming his hands down the table, courtroom style, and uncaring about the fact that the action made all the dishes and silverware bounce. "Did you _not hear a blasted word_ I just said?! Who wins this alleged competition is _not_ what's important right now! The _key thing_ is getting that Maya out of here, before anyone notices how _drucking funk_ she is, which means it'll be _both_ our necks on the line!"

"I heard your bellowing just fine, you _dimwitted, frog-mouthed, blowhard_ ," Edgeworth replied dryly. "As did _half of Los Angeles_ _ **and**_ _San Francisco_! Fine, I will acquiesce that you are right; the plucky _spirit_ medium is in no state to give _either_ of us her hand while she is so… _full of spirits_ , shall we say? I guess we have no choice but to keep her out and about until the sauce wears off, and she's more coherent and sober."

The magenta-clad man's brows knitted as he contemplated this.

"Normally, I would suggest we all go out dancing, as the extra activity may help burn some of the excess off, but as she is still not 21, she's too young to be taken to a regular nightclub, and I _refuse_ to take her to some all ages affair with a bunch of _raging hormonal teenyboppers_ drinking _Kool-Aid_ while _shaking their moneymakers_ …"

"Well, what do you know? It appears we _agree_ on something _at last_!" Sarcasm was positively dripping off of Phoenix's tongue. "The idea of trying to _bust a move_ alongside a roomful of adolescent, scantily dressed, _hoochie mamas,_ all _face down, butt up,_ sounds about as appealing as watching Wendy Oldbag _twerking in a string bikini_!"

"You are a _sick_ man, Phoenix Wright!" Edgeworth's fair complexion grew visibly paler at the mention of his geriatric stalker, then promptly turned _green_ at such putrid, vile imagery. " _Never_ utter that name before me again, _ever_!" He cast a horrified, frenzied peek around him, as though the mere mention of the old woman would make her materialize right then and there! "If you _speak of her_ , _she will come_!"

"She's not Lord Voldemort, you know!" Phoenix found he was rather titillated by the normally austere man's dramatic reaction. "Shall we simply refer to your arduous admirer, henceforth, as _**She**_ _Who Must Not Be Named_?"

"I'm baaaaack!" Maya announced, flopping back down in her seat and smiling brightly at the attorneys, who both promptly clammed up the moment they saw her. "What are we talking about?"

" _Nothing_!" Edgeworth said quickly just as Phoenix concurrently blurted out, "our game plan for the rest of the night!"

A perplexed frown marred the teen's smooth forehead at the opposing responses. "I'm _confuzzled_ , guys!" She proceeded to demolish her remaining desserts, still chatting with her mouth full of sugary goodness. "Now _one_ you tell me had better tell me what's going on! Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!"

Flashing a dirty look at his rival, Edgeworth rapidly recovered and flashed a benevolent smile at the spirit medium turned wannabe Ms. Bruce Banner. "What we meant to say, Maya, is that we were having so much fun, that we were trying to ascertain where we should venture to next, after we leave LA Prime, but ultimately in your absence, nothing was decided at all. I initially suggested we go dancing, to the great protest of _Dually-Left Footed Wright_ here…"

"Hey!" Phoenix yelped indignantly, scowling at the prosecutor.

 _I both resent and admittedly,_ _ **resemble**_ _that remark, but thanks for rubbing in that I'm not as_ _ **light on my feet**_ _as you are, you_ _ **unctuous, pink-suit lovin,' twinkle-toed**_ _…_ _ **ass-hat**_ _!_

Edgeworth ignored him and continued.

"But ultimately, the idea was struck out, Maya, as you are still underage and cannot be taken to a nightclub, plus we weren't sure how _you_ felt about dancing…"

"Woot! I love dancing!" Maya squealed excitedly, completely deaf to the caveat about her young age, and unexpectedly broke into an enormous ear-to-ear grin as she spotted Gumshoe and Franziska about to exit the restaurant. "But it can't be just the _three_ of us going to _boot, scoot and boogey_ – that's hardly going to be fun! We gotta invite more people!" She staggered towards the two, with the unnerved Edgeworth and Phoenix sprinting after her, just in time to grab the big detective by the arm.

"H-h-h-heeeeey! Wheeeere d'ya think yeeeeer goin'?" She jabbed a finger into the surprised Gumshoe's chest, as Franziska's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Youse guys can't leave me here without saying goodbye, pal! Me and the Ace Attorneys are gonna go shake our groove thangs! Ya'll should come with!"

"Are you all right, pal?" Gumshoe regarded Maya's unsteady form and overly bright eyes with concern. "Have you been _drinking_?"

"I'm _sotally tober_ and going to a _pance darty!"_ Maya crowed merrily, in lieu of a direct response to the question, much to Phoenix and Edgeworth's complete relief! "Wanna come?"

"You are acting _quite strangely_ , Maya Fey," Franziska noted, casting a distrusting glance at the prosecutor and defense attorney, both who were holding their collective breaths. "Well, _stranger than usual_ , anyway! What's wrong with your voice?"

The German woman's hostile countenance suddenly seemed to tune Maya into the fact that her reckless, overly enthused actions may have made her two escorts encounter dire consequences, and she shrunk back slightly. "Nothing's wrong with my voice. I'm perfectly fine in my voice," she claimed, trying to sound as sober as possible.

Franziska frowned as she leaned closer to the petite woman. "I beg to differ, Maya Fey…"

"She's having a bit of a _sugar rush_!" Phoenix improvised quickly. "It makes her _really hyper_! I'm surprised she hasn't given herself _diabetes_ at this point, heh, heh! As usual, my indecisive assistant couldn't decide which dessert to order, and became obsessed with the strange sounding, unfamiliar names on the menu, so she consumed _four of them…"_

"That's right!" Edgeworth chimed in, the relief evident in his voice as he grasped at the excuse for Maya's erratic behavior with gusto. "Er, she ordered the _tiramisu_ , as well as the, _um_ ," he coughed slightly. " _Spotted Dick_ …"

" _Tee hee_!" Gumshoe guffawed at the name, then turned bright red as Franziska turned to glare disapprovingly at him.

"Detective, can you not act your age?! What are you, _five_?"

"Sorry, sir," the big man mumbled, dropping his eyes.

"Then she had the _Chocolate Religieuse…"_ Edgeworth continued ticking the sweets off on his fingers.

"Uh, she liked the name," Phoenix inserted, clamping a firm hand on Maya's shoulder from behind her, silently cautioning her to let them answer. "Even though she couldn't pronounce it properly, she said it sounded like _'Chocolate Regular Use,'_ a notion she could _totally_ get behind of…"

"And then on top of that, she had the _Damson Plum Clafoutis,"_ the prosecutor finished lamely.

"It sounded like _flatus_!" Maya offered helpfully, which only made Gumshoe chuckle loudly and both attorneys to simultaneously face-palm. Even Franziska couldn't help but crack a smile at that one. "You should have seen the _waiter's mug_ when I ordered a _plate of it_!"

"Wright, _how_ does she know the correct medical term for _embarrassing bodily functions_?" The mortified Edgeworth hissed in Phoenix's ear.

"I have _no earthly idea_!" Phoenix whispered back. "She watches the same _TV kiddie crap_ that _you_ do! And she _sure as hell_ didn't pick it up from any of the literature I have lying around! The only kind of books I have at the office are _law books_!"

"Judging by your _bumbling, bluffing buffoonery_ in the courtroom, I can only surmise they are all _unread_!"

"You're an _ass_ , Edgeworth!"

"Well thanks for the offer, pal," Gumshoe was saying to Maya now, once he finally stopped laughing. "But I have an early day at the precinct tomorrow. We detectives don't work a Monday to Friday, 9-to-5 schedule, unfortunately, and Sir here is my ride…"

"And _I_ just don't want to," Franziska shrugged unapologetically, turning towards the exit. "You three, go enjoy yourselves. Phoenix, try not to trip over your two left feet the way you do your own tongue in the courtroom!" The two attorneys had just expelled synchronized sighs at their reprieve, when suddenly the silver-haired woman cast one final searching stare at Maya. "You know, you never _did_ answer the good detective's question about whether or not you had been _drinking_ , Maya Fey."

Maya gulped, and Edgeworth looked as if he were going to faint.

" _Hold it_!" Phoenix suddenly screamed in a panic as his wide eyes caught sight of a growing blaze at the next table over. " _Fire_!"

" _Fire_? _Mein Gott_!" Franziska gasped, her frenetic gaze examining the restaurant as Gumshoe immediately shouted, "Where? I'm on it!"

Needing no further prompting whatsoever, Edgeworth wisely took advantage of the diversion, grabbed the stunned Maya by the hand, and all but _yanked_ her towards the exit, just as Phoenix raced up to the table, Franziska and Gumshoe in tow, where a waiter stood next to a dessert cart which was literally aflame, and hurriedly grabbed the water glass from the male diner's side of the table, quickly dousing it over the flames before anyone could protest.

" _Take that!"_ Phoenix yelled triumphantly, putting his hands on his hips, before observing everyone around him and noticing that Franziska was fuming, the slack-jawed waiter seemed dismayed, and the two diners at the table appeared more _aghast_ than _grateful_ for his heroics!

"Huh?" Poor Gumshoe just looked _confused_.

" _Sacré bleu!"_ The scandalized server clapped a hand to his mouth, his shocked eyes the size of saucers as he gawked at Phoenix in horror. " _Mon Dieu, monsieur_! _What_ have you done? A culinary masterpiece _gone to waste_! You have destroyed the _Cherries Jubilee_!"

"C –Cherry J – Jubilee?" Phoenix echoed faintly, shrinking back at the disgusted glare Franziska shot him. "What? B- But I thought I saw a fire…"

"Phoenix Wright you _foolish Philistine_!" The prosecutor yelled. "As usual, your _fool hearted tomfoolery_ has done nothing but create unnecessary catastrophe, and deny these poor diners their dessert!"

" _D - Dessert_?" Phoenix stammered, his arm reflexively reaching up to nervously scratch the back of his head. "With a _huge flame_ like that?!"

" _Oui, c'est vrai_!" The waiter wailed, completely distraught. "Cherries Jubilee is a classic flambé dessert recipe that is just not enjoyed enough these days! You pour a healthy amount of brandy over some cherries and set it ablaze! Serve over a high-quality French vanilla ice cream…it is quite the delicacy!"

"It was for me and my wife's 50th wedding anniversary…" The old man at the table mumbled dejectedly, gesturing at the sweet little old lady sitting across from him, who Phoenix belatedly recognized as the scandalized elderly couple that had been subjected to hearing about _Maya's X-rated dessert_ earlier in the evening.

"I – I'm so sorry…" Phoenix spluttered, as Gumshoe clucked sympathetically behind him and awkwardly patted his friend on the arm.

" _Humph_! I shall take my leave now!" Franziska announced haughtily, lifting her chin in the air and casting one final disdainful glance in the defense attorney's direction before she grabbed the detective by the arm. "Come along, Scruffy! Phoenix Wright, I shall leave it to _you_ to settle this matter, you foolish fool! I'll see you in court!" Then she was gone, leaving the chagrined, beyond contrite defense attorney behind in her wake.

" _Please_ excuse me, I'm _so_ sorry," he apologized profusely to the couple, then turned to the waiter with a benign expression. "Do allow me to pay for the damages and a new dessert! Just…" He wracked his brain frantically, then flashed his most winsome smile as inspiration hit him. "Put it on _Mr. Miles Edgeworth's_ tab. Also, in case Maurice did not get a chance to do so already, please settle up the bill at our table as well, in an identical manner. And _both_ of you… Feel free to add _a little something extra_ for yourselves, for all this trouble."

" _Merci beaucoup, monsieur_! That is most generous of you!" The scowling waiter's disposition changed immediately as he beamed at the blue attorney, then bowed grandly at the couple. "Madame and Monsieur, _un moment, S'il vous plaît!_ I will return with your new dessert, _tout de suite_!"

"Have a good evening folks," Phoenix awkwardly waved at the old couple one last time. "And Happy Golden Anniversary!" With those parting words, he all but _ran_ out of the restaurant.

 _Talk about pulling a log out of the fire – almost literally!_ He thought in relieved disbelief _. I cannot believe we got away with that_ _ **underage drinking stunt**_ _! Franziska would've had both of our heads on the chopping block, am sure! Thank God for that_ _ **dangerous dessert**_ _! I've either got to be the_ _ **luckiest**_ _or the_ _ **unluckiest**_ _guy on earth, for spotting that well-timed saccharine interruption sent from the heavens, even if the end result was Edgeworth getting to make off with Maya, and score some extra free time with her because of it! Gah! The Demon Prosecutor is going to_ _ **blow a gasket**_ _and_ _ **be out for blood**_ _whenever he gets the sky-high bill from this place not to mention this unplanned for additional expense! Hmmm…I wonder if I should make a run to the Canadian border when he finds out? Surely our neighbors to the North are in need of a good defense attorney…_ _ **eh**_ _?!_

* * *

 _JP: Thanks so much, readers! It means so much to me that people still care enough to read this after it was dead in the ground for so long – and also gave such well-deserved love to my talented partner! He's a tough act to follow but I hope to have done him some justice – next stop – since clubbing was vetoed where will the crazy trio go to sober Maya up?:)_

 _Yanmegaman: Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Forgreatcoffee-** A Viking wedding truly would be a proper send off for the dearly departed, but I feel as though a burning boat on the California coast would raise a few alarms. Even if the culprit is the Demon Prosecutor himself!

As for Maya's drunken appetite, I can only imagine that the alcohol has caused her to grow a new stomach just for alcohol. And if she truly does just channel it away, then I hope she can do the same with a hangover!

Yes, Phoenix truly wouldn't last a day in jail. Unless of course those spikes are detachable and can be used as a shiv?

More, you say? Ask and you shall receive, dear reader!

 **Thepudz-** I like to believe that Edgey see his cravats much as one sees a family pet. A cherished loved one whom cannot be replaced!

You thought drunk Maya was funny last chapter? Hoo boy, can't wait to see what you thought of this one!

 **Mihosh** i 2.0- Well, our Ace Attorneys may not be Solid Snake when it comes to stealth, but they've managed to pull their balls out of the proverbial fire, it seems! Though, not unscathed.

 **The MysteriousGeek2345** \- I like to believe the same reason Maya believes these two to be gay IS their competitive nature. These two would find a way to make watching paint dry a competition!


	8. Dancing Queens

**_JP:_** _This chapter goes out to a great friend of mine and my co-pilot's, **ThePudz** , whose wonderful works can be found on here on this site, and who also created my beautiful new cover artwork for Turnabout Everlasting! He may find the character of a certain OC seems very...familiar... ;) _

_Also, I thought it would be fun to create a reader poll and let our loyal readers pick the state of Maya ends up with! Cast your votes in the poll atop my profile page, and we'll see which valiant knight wins the fair maiden's hand at the end of the story!_

 _ **Yanmegaman:** What do you get when you mix a defense attorney and prosecutor in the midst of a schlong measuring contest with a medium full of spirits, a dancing machine, and a writer who excels at administering torture to her favorite character? This chapter! I hope you guys enjoy all the work JP put into this one, as I think it's some of her best!  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Eight:** **Dancing Queens**

Phoenix swiftly exited L.A Prime and stepped outside into the parking lot, frantically looking around for the prosecutor's sleek red sports car, and heaved a sigh of relief when he spotted it coming towards him. The driver and passenger were in the midst of conversation as he climbed into the back seat behind Maya, who was still drunkenly chattering away like an animated chipmunk, to the _nerve-grating_ chortles of the magenta-clad man beside her.

As he resumed sneezing miserably in the dog fur-infested backseat, the spiky-haired man alternated between pangs of barely repressed jealousy, and renewed panic about the state of affairs he had left at the restaurant.

 _Edgeworth's normally tightfisted ass is totally going to_ _ **blow a gasket**_ _when he finally gets that bill for those additional charges that I went ahead and approved on his tab!_ He realized anxiously. _Maybe I should start brushing up on my Canadian? Really, how hard can it be to flee over the border and assume a new identity in the true North? I would just simply have to start referring to my daily "two cream, two sugar" coffee as_ _ **"double-double,"**_ _and adjust to the fact that in Canada, a_ _ **"Loonie"**_ _is_ _ **not**_ _a person who belongs in the psych ward, but how they refer to their_ _ **one dollar coin,**_ _due to the fact that it has an image of_ _ **an actual loon**_ _on it!_

He stroked his chin in thought. Well, he shouldn't really judge the nation that gave reverence to a bird on the currency… After all _he_ was _named_ after one!

 _Consequently, their polar bear decorated_ _ **two-dollar coin**_ _is called a "_ _ **toonie**_ _." Plus, their $0.05 nickel has a_ _ **beaver**_ _on it…_ _ **And**_ _the $0.25 piece quarter bears a_ _ **caribou**_ _?! Jeez Louise, I cannot_ _ **believe**_ _I am contemplating immigrating to a country with not only an unnatural_ _ **hockey obsession**_ _, but where the snowy winters are_ _ **so damn cold,**_ _they_ _ **literally**_ _have people up there that_ _ **live in igloos,**_ _and whose coin currency decorative compilation is essentially_ _ **a petting zoo!**_

"Of _course_ everyone seems sexy in a nightclub!" Maya was giggling tipsily to Edgeworth, apparently still stuck on the idea that they were somehow going to be able to take her _underage self_ to one of them. "There's _liquor_ and you _can't hear them_!"

"That's quite amusing, Maya," Edgeworth chuckled indulgently, while Phoenix curled his lip disdainfully and barely suppressed the impulse to stick his finger down his throat in a gagging motions. The evil little voice inside his mind that had briefly surfaced at the movie theater returned once again, full force.

 _Look at me! I'm Miles Edgeworth! I am a big dork with a hairdo that resembles_ _ **a gigantic bird on my head,**_ _who's going to_ _ **pretend**_ _to actually have a_ _ **sense of humor**_ _if it means charming the beautiful, fair maiden, otherwise she might suspect that I am actually an evil, soulless automaton, determined to **steal her soul**!_ He nearly gave in to the urge to stick out his tongue at the back of the prosecutor's _enormous_ head! _Ergo_ , _I'm going to laugh up all your silly, drunken jokes, Maya, even the really corny ones! I'm hip! I'm cool! I'm with it! I'm_ _ **lying**_ _like_ _ **a cheap rug!**_

Canada was starting to look more and more appealing with every passing itchy-eyed, wheezing, snuffling, allergy-filled moment.

 _The more I think about it, the more I'm liking the idea! Maybe I could even convince Maya to come with me! I'm sure there is_ _ **some**_ _place in her_ _ **six stomachs**_ _that would fully embrace the traditional fare of genuine maple syrup, Canadian bacon and poutine! I would just have to make sure I said_ _ **"eh"**_ _at the end of every sentence whenever I was trying to indicate that I wanted the person to agree with me, and to say_ _ **"sorry"**_ _for_ _ **absolutely everything**_ _, even if_ _ **somebody els**_ _ **e** steps on __**my**_ _foot! After all, this is the country that is so known for unnecessary apologies that they actually had to change their laws with the caveat that saying_ _ **"sorry"**_ _is_ _ **not necessarily**_ _an admission of_ _ **guilt**_ _!_

Phoenix let out a soundless sigh and gave up on his brief fantasy of forsaking the typical 3% American _piss water barley_ for a lifetime of the stronger standard 5% Canadian ale – their Northern neighbor's beer was _stronger_ , therefore that possibly meant that their _women looked cuter!_ – As the grim reality of his situation hit him.

 _I don't_ _ **need**_ _to be_ _ **Canadian**_ _to admit that this truly is the_ _ **sorriest**_ _I've ever been!_ He lamented despairingly. _Here I am, crashing what is essentially a_ _ **date**_ _between my rival and Maya, and I've only managed to stick around thus far because of Edgeworth's impromptu burst of magnanimousness at that nosebleed, high-priced eatery we just came from! But surely he isn't about to continue paying for my **sorry ass**_ _, along with_ _ **Maya's**_ _, for the entire night?!_

Phoenix slumped down lower in the back seat, feeling sorrier and sorrier for himself with every passing minute.

 _Words cannot describe how screwed I am, because I'm so damn broke, I have to_ _ **save up to be poor!**_ _What kind of suitor could I_ _ **possibly**_ _be, and what_ _ **chance in hell**_ _do I have here, when I sure as hell don't have the money to treat_ _ **myself**_ _, never mind_ _ **Maya**_ _, to_ _ **anything**_ _tonight –_ _ **not even**_ _ **a soda**_ _! Hmmm… If I_ _ **do**_ _head north of the border, I_ _ **must**_ _remember that over there, they refer to soft drinks as_ _ **"pop,"**_ _unless I want a mouthful of_ _ **carbonated water**_ _! Blech!_

" _Hold it!"_ Maya squealed suddenly, her face lighting up with excitement. "Miles, pull over! I just found the _perfect_ place we can all go to! Coming up there on the right!"

Obediently, the prosecutor turned into the upcoming driveway, and Phoenix's eyes widened as the three took in the site of the enormous, domed building with neon lit-up sign and jam-packed parking lot.

" _Joypolis of Japalifornia?"_ The blue attorney asked incredulously. "Maya, you want us to go to a _video arcade_?"

"This is no _mere_ video arcade, Nick!" Maya turned around to scowl at him as she heard his less than impressed tone. "This place just opened up about six months ago, when they tore down the dilapidated old mall, and all the advertisements say that there's _some kind of fun_ for _everyone,_ even if you're _not_ into video games! So I'm sure there's something even _an old fart_ like _you_ will like!"

"I've heard about this place," Edgeworth remarked mildly, as he drove along slowly, trying to find a parking spot. "And I'm fine with it, seeing as how Maya's too young to go to a club, and it's a bit too late to do much else. It's considered to be one of Los Angeles's greatest new tourist attractions, as well as being highly rated by all the videogame magazines."

 _Why does it not surprise me that a grown ass man, who's_ _ **lamer**_ _ **than**_ _ **a three-legged horse**_ _ **and**_ _ **Barry Manilow put together**_ _, would not only be into Steel Samurai, but also be privy to the inside information about this kind of_ _ **juvenile stupidness**_ _?_ Phoenix thought nastily. _What magazine did you read that in, Edgeworth?_ _ **Otakus R' Us**_ _?!_

"This is going to be so much fun!" Maya exclaimed delightedly when they had finally parked and began making their way to the entrance. "I was reading in _Geek is Chic_ gamer magazine that _Joypolis_ is essentially an indoor theme park. Aside from their hundreds of video games, everything from Atari to Xbox, there's lots of other cool stuff going on here all the time too! Instead of the loud background noise of video games and pinballs, live DJ's perform every night of the week with specific themes for each night, including the obligatory '80's night. Pinball and fighter tournaments also happen rather regularly, with video game trivia and dance club nights rounding out the schedule. It truly is a fantastic destination for gamers and non-gamers alike!"

Edgeworth smiled indulgently at how adorable Maya sounded as a walking, talking advertisement for the place, while Phoenix groaned inwardly as he heard the muffled weeping sounds of his meager pockets. Surely a place like this would cost _a small fortune_! What _the hell_ was he going to do?! Had it been another restaurant, he would have offered _to do the dishes_ to pay for his next meal, but in this case, he didn't think that would be a likely possibility, any more than trying to use his "good looks" to pay for the bill!

 _Maybe somebody here will commit some sort of violent assault on another fellow nerd for hogging one of the video games, and I can offer to defend them for free if they'll pay for my gaming for the night?_ He thought hopefully. _Hey, stranger things have happened! I cross-examined_ _ **a parrot**_ _, for the love of God!_

They had almost reached the front door when suddenly the defense attorney's phone rang. Looking down at the caller ID, he saw that it was Adrian Andrews.

"I'm going to take this and be with you guys in a moment. It would be too noisy for me to hear anything in there," he told his friends. "You two go on ahead, I'll meet you in the lineup."

"See you later," Edgeworth replied breezily, not seeming too concerned about having Maya to himself once more, then gallantly extended his elbow to his female companion. "Shall we, milady?"

Maya hesitantly glanced back at Phoenix for a moment, but he simply smiled and waved her on as he went to answer his cell. Shrugging, the spirit medium placed her hand on Edgeworth's proffered arm and gave him a toothy grin.

"Holy Toledo, Miles! This poster says that they have the latest game from the _Steel Samurai_ franchise - featuring the _Copper Samurai_ and the _Crimson Shogun_!"

Shaking his head, Phoenix turned his attention back to the phone.

"What's up, Adrian?"

"I'm so sorry to be bothering you on a Friday night," the former manager of the demonic Matt Engarde began apologetically. "But I was put in charge of a new upcoming display at Lordly Tailor, and I was really excited about the idea, and I just wanted to run it by you first, really quickly, if you don't mind?"

"Don't worry about it," he answered pleasantly. "Your call is a welcome interruption, _trust_ me! What did you have in mind?"

Phoenix listened intently with a big smile as the blonde excitedly elaborated about organizing an exhibit called "Treasures of Kurain" as a way to thank him and the Feys for all they'd done for her.

"That sounds terrific, Adrian," he said warmly. "I know Maya and Pearls will love it! It would also be a great way to bring publicity and potential business to Kurain Village."

The two chatted for a few more minutes before Phoenix ended the call, and was just putting his phone back into his pocket when suddenly, a pretty woman in a red leather jacket, with motorcycle goggles resting atop her dark blonde hair, stormed out the doors, ignoring the pitiful sounds of the frail, redheaded man plaintively calling after her. His ginger locks, tightly wound into two side coils on either side of his head, resembled cinnamon buns, which bounced with every step.

" _Dessie_!" He wailed, running after the woman, who just continued stalking towards her motorcycle. " _Pleeeeease_! _Don't just ignore meeeeee_!"

" _Ignore_ you?" She snapped, crossing her arms and glaring at the man. "Ron DeLite, trust me, that frog _mouth_ of yours makes that _absolutely_ _impossible_ to do! I cannot _believe_ in a noisy place like that, where you could've _landed a_ _helicopter_ without anybody taking any notice, you _still_ managed to clear the room, _blast_ that poor man's eardrums, _as well as my own_ , _and_ _embarrass the living hell out of me,_ all in _one shot_!"

"It's bad enough when I see the questioning looks we always get when we're out together from strangers, who undoubtedly are wondering how a geeky guy like me wound up with a hot wife like you!" Ron whined pathetically. "But am I also to be _so meek_ that I'm actually supposed to stand by _silently_ while some man is hitting on you, _right in front of me_?!"

"I've tried to be understanding about your ridiculous, unfounded insecurities, but for the _kazillionth time_ , Ron, he _wasn't_ hitting on me, and you _didn't_ need to yell so loudly and scare not only the poor guy off, but also _everybody within a 10 mile radius_!" Dessie cried. "For _one_ thing, he was simply inquiring about my motorcycle, because he saw us pulling up on it in the parking lot, and rest assured, it was the _only thing pertaining to me_ that he was interested in _taking for a ride_! And for _another_ thing, in case you somehow missed it, he was wearing _more makeup than m_ e and _Lady Gaga_ combined, _as well as_ those low-rise, leather pants that were so tight, you could _tell_ that he had a _quarter_ in his back pocket…" Her irate tone rose an octave. "There was also the unmistakable fact that he was _gayer than Richard Simmons singing a duet with Elton John in a Bath House!"_

"You have to admit, the circumstances were bizarre!" Ron protested. "I mean, an _allegedly gay_ guy coming up, out of the _nowhere_ , and striking up a conversation _with my beautiful wife,_ under the guise that he _apparently_ was in the market and _shopping around for a motorbike_ … It just sounds so hard to believe! What _else_ was I supposed to think, aside from _the obvious?"_

"You _could_ have given _both of us_ the benefit of the doubt!" She put her hands on her hips. "The poor fella was merely _bike curious_!"

"I'm so sorry, sweetie!" Ron's cheeks became the same shade as his hair. "But this is _LA_! It's kind of hard to tell what's what anymore, what with the _metrosexual_ craze, and the streets littered with all these _man-pretty_ men…"

"Fair enough, yet nevertheless, your ridiculous suspicions and consequent actions _still_ got us kicked out of there before we could even use our day passes!" Dessie heaved a gusty sigh. "So there goes _that_ plan for the night! The bouncer also made it _very_ clear that these passes are _non- refundable_ , so I guess we have no choice but to just chalk up our losses."

"I _loathe_ having to waste good money like that, when I'm _sure_ there are other people out there that could enjoy these," Ron murmured regretfully, and was just about to head to the trashcan located near Dessie's motorcycle when he spotted Phoenix, who was trying very hard to innocently appear as though he _hadn't_ been eavesdropping on the entire conversation! "Hey buddy – were you about to head inside the arcade?"

"Actually, yes, I was _just_ about to go and meet up with my friends." Phoenix plastered on his most unassuming smile as Ron waved the two passes at him.

"Listen, my wife and I can't use these passes, but they're good for unlimited trips on all the rides and attractions in there, as well as _all_ the video games for the rest of the night," the slightly built man informed him. "It would be terrible to have them go to waste, so _please_ , feel free to take these and enjoy them. Perhaps one of your friends can also benefit from it."

Phoenix couldn't believe his incredible good luck! Here he had been bemoaning his fate about not having any money for video games or anything of the sort, and worried about seeming like a _complete_ _degenerate loser_ to Maya, and here, like a couple of angels, this sweet couple had materialized out of thin air and been the answer to his prayers! He thanked the man and woman profusely for their generosity, wishing there were some way he could've _possibly_ _repaid_ Ron and Dessie DeLite for their kindness, before he all but merrily _skipped_ to the entrance.

* * *

Maya and Edgeworth were still waiting in the long entry line to buy their game cards.

"We were wondering what happened to you," Edgeworth smirked as Phoenix walked up to them. "However, I wasn't about to rule out the possibility that you weren't above perhaps _selling a few pints of blood_ out there in the parking lot in order to _cough up the money_ for this place."

"Don't be silly, Miles!" Maya admonished playfully. "Nick has a credit card, so I'm sure it wouldn't come to _that_!" She beamed at him. "Right, Nick?"

Had Phoenix not just been granted those _heavenly-sent_ passes, he could've dropped dead of _infuriated mortification_ that Edgeworth was essentially _gloating_ about the fact that he had _no intention_ of repeating his generosity from the restaurant! Instead, the spiky-haired man silently maintained a benign expression as they reached the front of the line, and the prosecutor made a _grand show_ of telling the sandy-haired youth standing behind the ticket booth that he'd be requiring the purchase of _only_ _two_ play-all-day passes.

"Certainly, Sir," the teenage boy said politely, in a distinctive accent that Phoenix couldn't quite put his finger on. "Your total cost will be – "

It turned out the blue attorney wasn't the only one who had taken note of the young man's lilting cadence, as the still shit-faced Maya chose that _exact_ moment to squeak like a fan girl!

"Omigod, I just _love_ your voice!" She gushed as she clasped her hands to her chest. "I can't quite place it though? It's not _quite_ English, but it sounds like sort of a _spin-off_ to it?"

"Australian," the teenager, whose name-tag read _Dylan_ , told her, his bright eyes lighting up with interest at the attentions of the fawning, raven-haired beauty. "Obviously, _I_ can't hear it anymore, but you Yanks seem to like it, which seems to be a crucial point in my favor among the _fetching_ female population."

Maya tittered girlishly and batted her lashes while Phoenix tried not to vomit in his own mouth and Edgeworth's orbs narrowed dangerously at the boy's innocuous use of that _loaded adjective_ utilized in conjunction to the spirit medium.

"Your accent is _sooo_ sexy, Dylan!" Maya cooed, mocha orbs shining. "But your voice is kinda refined; you _totally_ don't sound like one of those _famous outback_ guys that say ' _Good Day, Mate_!' You know, like that famous actor, _The Crocodile Hunter_ , who's famous for saying that movie line…" She affected the most _horrendous_ _Australian accent known to man_. " _ **That's**_ _not a knife!_ _ **THAT's**_ _a knife!"_

Edgeworth stared first at Maya, then at Dylan, who were both grinning at each other like a couple of goofy teenagers in a romantic comedy, and clenched his jaw.

"Oh yes, _Australia_ , which boasts not only the deadliest and most treacherous creatures on earth, but is _both_ a _continent_ _**and**_ _country_." He crossed his arms across his broad chest and assumed his most pompous, know-it-all tone. "I had the pleasure of visiting your homeland, Dylan, during my travels last year, and the man at airport customs asked me if I had _a criminal record_. To which _I_ replied, ' _oh, I didn't realize that was still a_ _ **requirement**_ _in order to_ _ **enter here**_ **'**!"

Maya and Dylan just gaped speechlessly at the prosecutor, as did Phoenix, who realized that his contender's _jealousy_ claws were far more _venomous_ than _any_ said dangerous Australian animals!

 _How fascinating to know that you managed to squeeze in a trip to the southern hemisphere while you were_ _ **playing dead**_ _last year, Edgeworth!_ Phoenix arched a brow at his adversary. _Is it just me, or did his normally_ _ **slight**_ _British intonation just get a whole lot more…_ _ **snobby**_ _and_ _ **English**_ _ **sounding**_ _? Regardless, I better find some way to smooth over this majorly awkward silence while Sir Red Knight takes a moment to_ _ **retract his fangs!**_

"Maya, I think you're mistaking the late, great Steve Irwin, who was also known as _The Crocodile Hunter_ , with Paul Hogan, who was otherwise known as the star of _The Crocodile Dundee_ films." Phoenix made a big point of placing a possessive hand on Maya's shoulder and giving the teenage boy _a pointed look_.

Dylan ignored both the prosecutor's obnoxious annotation as well as the defense attorney's commentary and focused his attention back on Maya, who had shrugged out from underneath Phoenix's hand and was now leaning further forward towards the ticket counter, twirling a lock of obsidian hair around her finger while smiling coyly.

"So you're just a city slicker then, are ya?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Miss, but I'm no Outback Jack!" Dylan laughed. "I'm from _Victoria_ , so there was no wrestling crocodiles for me whatsoever!"

"Oh, I'm not disappointed _at all_." At this point Phoenix was positive that Maya could've put out _an entire birthday cake's worth of candles_ by the _endless fluttering_ of her lashes! "Your voice is _simply divine_ , regardless! I've _always_ been a sucker for accents… And you're so _tall_ too!"

Phoenix looked back and forth between Maya and the teen dubiously. While he supposed that _anybody_ appeared tall compared to the petite spirit medium, who was barely over 5'0" in height, this latest flirtation was beginning to get to _him_ , as well! The _last_ thing he needed was a _second_ contender for Maya's attentions!

"Maya, he's only 5'9"!" He exclaimed with exasperation. "Exactly the same height as _me_!"

"Are you 5'9" too, Nick?" Maya finally pried her gaze away from Dylan and blinked innocently at Phoenix, as though suddenly realizing he was right there. "I never realized there was a good _8 inches between us_!"

 _Phrasing!_

"Perhaps that's because his posture _so terrible_ ," Edgeworth injected acerbically, making a visible show of drawing himself up to his full height of 5'10." "I _do_ hope you realize all that slumping you do, Wright, will only more rapidly propel your _hunchback self_ towards that Notre Dame Bell Tower as you _age_."

"We are the _exact same age_ , Edgeworth!" Phoenix glowered at him, while trying not to make it _too_ obvious that he was self-consciously straightening his shoulders at the same time. "And I'm hardly veering towards the same league as Quasimodo… If you want to talk about _rapid aging_ how about we discuss the fact that _you_ _already_ _have_ _gray hair?!"_

Once again disregarding the dueling attorneys, Dylan flashed an impish grin at Maya.

"I'm only 16, so hopefully I'm still growing for another 5 years, yet," the Australian replied meaningfully. "Although allow me to assure you, we _do_ tend a mature faster coming from the _land down under_."

"Age _is_ just a number," Maya grinned back. "I'm only 19, by the way. These grumpy old men are pushing _30_!"

Edgeworth looked both shocked and indignant, and Phoenix felt his cheeks redden.

 _I'm only 26!_ The blue attorney grumbled mentally, but unlike Edgeworth, refused to make it as _obvious_ that he was starting to get worried about this _overly lengthy_ and _way too fri_ endly exchange between the two teens. _I'm hardly due for the_ _ **cane**_ _and_ _ **adult diapers**_ _just yet!_

"Maya, I'm sure this young man has _work_ to do, and there is a large line up of impatient-looking patrons forming behind us," Edgeworth shot a steely look at Dylan. "Now, how much did you say those two passes were, young man?"

"Sorry, Sir, I nearly forgot." Dylan blushed slightly at the not-so-subtle reminder that he was still on duty. "That will be…"

"Actually, you only need buy _one_ pass for _just_ yourself, Edgeworth." Phoenix put on his best shit-eating grin. "I can take care of me and Maya. After all, you already covered dinner."

"Are you sure this won't be too much of a _strain_ , Wright?" Edgeworth looked at him suspiciously, while Phoenix fantasized about giving the other man _a boot to the head_ for making him look so _damn destitute_ , not only in front of Maya, but a _complete stranger_ , as well!

" _Take that!"_ Feeling every bit as triumphant as he did in the courtroom whenever he bested his opponent, the spiky-haired man chose that _exact_ moment to slap those glorious passes down on the counter, then put his hands on his hips and smirked at his fellow contender, while simultaneously reveling in the elated look of surprise on Maya's face.

" _Unlimited_ play-all-day passes for _all_ video games and attractions?" She squealed. "Wow, these normally cost a _fortune_! However did you get these, Nick?"

"I have my ways." Phoenix smiled smugly. "Surely, we can't keep burning a hole in Edgeworth's wallet the entire night, right? And besides, I rather like treating _my favorite assistant_ to a night out every once in a while!"

"You're the _best_ , Nick!" Maya giddily lurched herself at Phoenix in a spontaneous hug, nearly knocking him backwards with her effusiveness. "This is _soooo_ great! Come on, let's play!"

"I can't wait!" Phoenix returned the embrace, and flashed a surreptitious wink at the narrow-eyed Edgeworth over Maya's shoulder.

"Here's a map and guide book for you all," Dylan offered. "I take it this is your first time visiting?"

"Yes it is!" Maya eagerly poured over the information she'd been handed. "Thanks so much, Dylan!"

"No worries! Food is the typical pub fare with a twist: taking a page from the Boondocks, our signature 1UP burger is served on a glazed doughnut. If you want to lose all sense of taste and impress your friends with how fast you can drain your sinuses, try taking your cheesesteak, wings or burger to "Total Carnage" level, where ghost peppers and other varieties try to make your face do its best impression of the Toht Fail!" Dylan paused in his tour guide speech long enough to smile shyly at the spirit medium. "You all go have fun, but I'll be getting my break shortly... would you mind if I came by and paid you a visit?"

"We'd _love_ it!" Maya responded before either one of the attorneys could find some excuse to negate the self-invitation. "I'm Maya, by the way, and this is Phoenix and Miles. We'll definitely be around! See you soon!"

With that, she bounced away, leaving the dopey-smiling teenager staring after her like a _love-struck puppy_ , and the two lawyers following Maya like _obedient puppies_ , all of them suitably impressed with the ginormous, state-of-the-art marvel that was Joypolis of Japalifornia.

* * *

"Once you're done with the bumper cars and the indoor roller coaster, make your way over to the coterie of over arcade games, old-school classics plus the latest. They also have vintage pinball machines from the '50s, '60s, '70s," Edgeworth read from the guidebook. "There are also skeeball lanes, a laser tag section, an indoor skating rink and several restaurants, including a 50's style diner, featuring roller girl waitresses, and also a pizzeria."

At that exact moment, the threesome passed by the diner in question, and paused outside the door to take a peek inside. In spite of himself, Phoenix couldn't help but do a _double take_ as he caught sight of a breathtaking, busty redhead whizzing about on roller skates. She looked like something out of a Marilyn Monroe movie in her formfitting, hot-pink dress! The figure-flattering uniform that she (and all the other equally comely diner waitresses) wore was a double-breasted style, with short, white trimmed, cuffed sleeves, and side pockets. An elastic back waist provided a snug fit, and over this was an apron with scallops and a tie in the back. White roller skates and a mini white satin sailor hat perched atop her head completed the pinup girl, retro look.

The blue attorney didn't realize that he was still staring at the Rita Hayworth doppelgänger, until he felt Maya elbow him in the side. _Hard_.

Grunting in pain, his head swiveled away from the shapely server and turned to look at his assistant, whose hands, raised to chest level, were curled into fists.

" _Take a picture_ , Nick, it'll _last_ _longer_!" She observed crossly, folding her arms across her chest and puffing out her cheeks. "Can we keep on moving, or did you want take another _hour or two_ to _eye-bang_ the wait staff?"

 _Talk about hypocrisy!_ Phoenix exclaimed to himself. _**She**_ _gets to shamelessly flirt with Hugh Jackman Jr. while holding up the ticket line, but_ _ **I**_ _get bruised ribs just for having a silent moment of appreciation for the roller girls here?!_

"Objection! I was _not,_ as you so crudely put it, _eye-banging_ **_anyone_** , Maya!" He denied hotly. "I was simply _taking in_ the _authenticity_ of this quaint little diner, which seems to have done a great job of mimicking the 50s era… From its neon signs to the jukebox to the vinyl booths…"

"To the _eye-pleasing waitresses_ …" Edgeworth drawled.

"I never even _noticed_ them!"

" _Right_. By the way, Wright, the buxom redhead you were shamelessly ogling at had chunky thighs."

" _She did_ _ **not**_!" The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them, earning an evil, victorious glint in the eyes of his oppugner, and a silky pout from Maya. Phoenix felt himself blushing furiously for having fallen for one of the _oldest tricks in the book_! "Um, not that I _noticed_ or anything, heh, heh."

"You would think being the Baron of Bluffing, you'd be _better_ at _lying_ outside of court as well!" Maya huffed. "For Pete's sake Nick, just admit you have a _waitress-uniform fetish_ already! I can certainly pick one up and wear it around the office if it'll make you happy! _Sheesh_!"

The idea of Maya Fey wearing a sexy waitress uniform was _hardly_ an _unappealing notion_ , and Phoenix felt his face only further reddening at the mental image it brought to his mind. Afraid that his thoughts were paraded across his forehead like a projection screen, he awkwardly cleared his throat and jammed his hands in his pockets.

"Let's go play some games," he mumbled. "Your pick Maya. Anything you want, really. I'm down for whatever."

"Lead the way, milady," Edgeworth said gallantly, biting back a smile as the still-irked Maya stomped off ahead of them. " _Very smooth_ , Wright! Leering at the hard-working young ladies like some sort of perverse lecher like that… great way to keep _the dignity of your office_ , not to mention how much it must _impressed_ the fair maiden as well…"

"Oh, shut up, Edgeworth!" Phoenix growled in return. "And for the record, your opinion of me _weighs less than sunshine!"_

With that retort, he marched away from the prosecutor before he could reply, in hot pursuit of Maya, who now seemed miles ahead of them, and finally found her standing next to a bright, flashing light game, which was emitting loud noises. Two young boys, no older than 8 or 9, were happily bouncing upon it, their little bodies spasmodically flailing about, showing surprisingly little loss of coordination due to the blaring J-pop, which to Phoenix's ears sounded more like _a techno DJ choking to death on an air raid siren_ and playing like he was _trying to take you with him_!

* * *

"They have DDR!" Maya was positively bouncing up and down her heels with exhilaration. "We've _got_ to try this!"

" _DDR_?" Phoenix echoed blankly as a feeling of inexplicable dread filled his stomach. "What's that?"

"Dance Dance Revolution," a familiar voice inserted. The trio turned around to see Dylan, who was shaking his head at the lit-up machine with its blasting, pulsating music. "An arcade game frequented by people who look like they normally couldn't dance. DDR is – in fact, a form of dance – more or less. The arrows, which guide the dancer in their steps, face the four cardinal directions, and can be stepped upon in numerous combinations of patterns. The key to the game is the techno beat timing of your song of choice. Excellent dancers are known as "maniacs" and their dance performances reflect that title. Although originally intended for use in Japan, Americans secretly imported these DDR machines into their country until the game manufacturer, Konami, declared that exportation of DDR machines would be declared legal."

The Australian's voice grew rich with amusement as he took in their flummoxed expressions.

"Otherwise known as a secret plot by Konami to surreptitiously teach certain rhythm impaired sections of society the basics of bass lines by luring them with shininess onto the dance pad and then appealing to their video game competitiveness to force them to listen to that little part of their brain which can sense musical patterns. The game has some good songs, from ' _epilepsy-inducing_ **_heartattackmotron_**!' to ' _Neon-pop pedophile lure_ ,' but is _evil,_ because it has the power to possess people to do things they would not usually do, _in full public view_! The game may also be _phase one_ in some kind of subliminal Japanese takeover of the world."

" _Cool_!" Maya's eyes lit up. "Does that mean you'll play with us, Dylan?"

"Sorry, Maya." The teen shook his head. "Dancing makes my synapses jump like beans in a tin! I'm more into sports. I would love to play some soccer or basketball simulation games or something like that if you all are up for it."

" _What if I put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me?" I'm pretty sure_ _ **that**_ _was what the initial train of thought was to the_ _ **first wretched man**_ _who invented sports!_ Phoenix felt himself beginning to sweat drop. As much as he despised dancing, he hated sports even more. Both required copious amounts of grace and coordination, of which he was the _first_ to admit, he had _none!_

"Now that you mention it, I believe I _have_ heard of this game." Edgeworth said, and flushed a cocky smile at Phoenix as though reading his mind. "A game that requires endurance, coordination, and good taste in music. Non-players dislike it, primarily because there's no cheap way to cheat or bluff their way through it, much like they do in court."

Phoenix glared at the other man. Now that Dylan had mentioned it, the absolutely ludicrous game was actually familiar to _him,_ as well.

 _DDR –_ _The only game where your heart rate is a high score, and replicates the worst bits of a rave by using_ _ **J-Pop**_ _instead of_ _ **drugs**_ _! It triggered the reinvention of arcades as exercise centers._ _ **Exergaming**_ _… An attempt to make players give the semblance of having seizures, masked_ _as dance moves, and makes them look as stupid as it's possible to look without involving other people!_

Maya bit her lip nervously as she looked at the young boys wrapped up in their dance session, their little feet moving at such lightning fast speed, they appeared to be a _blur!_

"Guys, would you mind going ahead so I can see how it's done?" She asked the attorneys imploringly. "I – I still feel a wee bit too… _woozy_ to really trust myself on that thing just yet."

"I'm game if _Wright_ is, Maya," Edgeworth bowed grandly and inclined his head towards Phoenix, who flashed Maya a sickly grin. "Shall we?"

 _Like you left me with any choice, you shit-weasel!_

Phoenix gingerly placed his feet onto the metal floor and cautiously tapped his foot against one of the arrows.

"Just wait for the music, and follow the arrows," Dylan advised kindly, then chuckled and turned to Maya. "If you play too much DDR, you _will_ see arrows in your head every time you close your eyes, over the course of the hour following game play!"

 _Oh goody!_ Phoenix gulped. _**Can't hardly wait**_ _to let Maya see, **firsthand** , that I have the **grace** of an **elephant in a tutu!**_

The defense attorney glimpsed at the prosecutor, standing next to him on his side of the gamer floor, who was scrolling through the song selection, furrowing his brow as he intently studied each musical choice.

"Hey, have you ever done this before, Edgeworth?" Phoenix asked nervously. "Maybe we should start with one of the _slower, easier ones_ …"

The words had barely left his lips when his frenemy treated him to what could only described as a _diabolical grin_ as he chose the song, and a very familiar pulsating beat began to play.

Phoenix's heart plummeted down to his ( _two left_ ) feet. Edgeworth had chosen the ultra-fast paced beat of _Gangam Style_ by PSY- on _expert_ level difficulty!

 _Miles Edgeworth, you_ _ **24 carat, filigree-encrusted**_ _ **cunt**_ _!_ He seethed _. I'll get you for this!_

His face was burning with humiliation more than exertion as he first moved his elbows up and down, with his legs spread as far apart as possible, _like a prostitute ready for business_ , then quickly moved to cross his arms over his chest and frantically began gyrating his hips into a ludicrous motion, which he could only describe a _squat thrusts!_ He felt himself huffing and puffing as he frantically tried to keep up with the movements on the screen, focusing on twirling, leaping, and moving his knees up and down, even though his dwindling score in comparison to Edgeworth's showed that he had _less rhythm than a spider on a trampoline_!

A quick sideways glance at the prosecutor indicated that Edgeworth was having none of the same pained indignities and miseries that Phoenix was suffering through. In contrast, his limbs were moving as though he had so much energy, he could dance for _millennia_ , and _then_ some! As far as dancing went, Miles Edgeworth was a complete natural. Hands in the air, his body was moving like an uncoiling rope, his intense gray eyes on fire as he pivoted in a revolving whirl of sharp precision and accurate grace.

 _I SUPER-hate you, Edgeworth!_ _The music moves me like I'm a puppet on strings, my head mashing so hard my brain is in shut down mode! There's so much sweat on my skin and in my suit…_ _at this point it's enough to_ _ **float the Titanic!**_ As _I keep whirling about with as much grace as a medieval Mace… Here's_ _ **you**_ _going all_ _ **Lord of the Dance**_ _on my ass!_

" _Go Miles_!" Maya let out a whistle and cheer of appreciation. "Come, on, Nick, you can do it!" She added encouragingly, although he could have sworn he heard the barely disguised laughter in her voice. Not that he blamed her. Whereas _**he**_ _sucked harder than a Hoover_ , Edgeworth, in glaring contrast, was a _totally natural dancing machine_!

In fact, the prosecutor would've given Michael Flatley from _Riverdance_ a run for his money, his magenta-clad legs flailing about as if _completely independent from his body_ , pointed toes a complete blur, undulating hips looking as though they were made to sway, and his feet moving to the crazy beat as though they _belonged_ to the music. In the meantime, Phoenix was sure his _own_ slack jaw and glazed expression betrayed the litany of aggravated thoughts coursing through his mind as he nearly kicked himself in the shins trying to keep up with the ministrations, which now looked as though he were supposed be mimicking _lassoing a rope like a cowboy?!_

 _DDR dancing game; a marathon of sorts; used to physically exert yourself, and make people at bowling alleys and arcades laugh at you! Stupid_ _ **brain**_ _for making me do this! Stupid_ _ **arm**_ _which is so badly flailing out of sync…_

"Ha-ha! You _suck_ , **_pee-pee man_**!" A _ver_ y recognizable voice cackled with glee in the background, and Phoenix turned his head at the last split-second to see the little baseball hat-wearing _brat_ from the movie theater!

It was a huge mistake, as he want up _zigging_ when he should've been _zagging_ , and wound up bumping _butts_ with Edgeworth, who, utterly unfazed, just kept right on dancing!

 _Ugh!_ _ **Guy butt touch**_ _! It was bad enough touching his_ _ **hand**_ _at the movie theater! Gah! That's **it**! I quit! I am just __**not**_ _meant to excel in a game where you jump around like an_ _ **Asian crackhead whore**_ _that has a dildo stuck up her ass, and occasionally fall, and then get laughed at and mocked by all the spectating people standing around you!_

" _Forget this shizz_!" He wheezed, jumping away from the game and staring daggers at the pint-sized nuisance, who was doubled over laughing and clutching his sides. "I'm _done_! Edgeworth, you _win_!"

Edgeworth insisted on finishing the song to the very end, receiving top-notch marks for his performance in the game, as well as a smattering of applause from the onlookers who had been watching, and took a bow.

"Oh Nick!" Maya giggled, reaching into her pocket, pulling out a napkin and dabbing at his soaked, sweaty forehead with surprising tenderness. "Thank you _so_ _much_ for _taking one for the team_ and going up there and demonstrating what _not_ to do! I wasn't sure how good _I_ was going to be, but after seeing _you_ in action, I think I can hold my own, _just fine!_ "

 _Wow, what a weird way to simultaneously pick me up_ _ **and**_ _kick me when I'm down!_

Phoenix grunted in response, noticing with relief that the demon child had had his good laugh, but had gotten called away _by the manatee_ , and was already gone. He closed his eyes against the welcome, cool feeling of the perspiration being wiped off his face.

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"Very, funny, Nick! My _friend_ , had to go, as he was only a 15 minute break but said he may catch up with us later." Maya gave his arm a gentle squeeze and then smiled at Edgeworth. "Ready for a new challenger?"

"Can't be any worse than my last one," the prosecutor quipped, earning a giggle from the spirit medium.

"I'm going to get a drink from the water fountain," Phoenix muttered and slunk off to do just that, noticing that Edgeworth and Maya were too busy doing a _psychedelic bunny hop_ _on speed_ to even notice his absence.

* * *

Uncaring of how _unprofessional or undignified_ it looked, after drinking his fill, he dunked his face down into the cold water stream, reveling in the feel of it on his hot, sweaty face, then scooped a handful of the icy liquid into his palm and splashed some more onto his overheated skin.

"Hey, whippersnapper! Get your _filthy paws_ out of the water fountain _immediately_! People put their _mouths_ on that thing!"

Phoenix whirled around at the shrill sound of the disapproving voice, which he was _all too acquainted with_ , and came face to face with _Wendy Oldbag_ , her dried prune of a face looking as though she had just _sucked a lemon_ , as was tradition.

 _Ugh! I thought I smelled the telltale rank aroma of her_ _ **Phéromone d'Amour**_ _perfume!_

"Ms. Oldbag!" He croaked in shock. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Security, Sonny!" Her wrinkled, beady little eyes raked him with scorn as she put her hands on her bony hips, which were clad in traditional navy security guard uniform. "I need to make sure this place is free from _heathen-like behavior_ , which _you_ were just exerting!"

"Sorry, I was hot from that dance game…"

"Excuses, excuses." Her lip curled with disdain. "You whippersnappers don't even know how lucky you are to even _get_ _video games_! Why back in my day, we only had _pinball machines_!"

"I've got to get back to my friends," Phoenix interrupted hastily, in no mood to listen to yet _another_ mindless, rambling tangent and beginning to inch away. "It was nice seeing you again! Bye now!" He bolted away, hoping she wouldn't follow and give chase.

"That's right, interrupt a sweet little old lady while she's talking!" She shouted after him. "Your generation has _no manners whatsoever_! Back in _my_ day, the men would sit there _lapping up_ every word that came out of my mouth, like a hungry puppy savoring fallen scraps from the dinner table…"

 _Yeah, eating off the ground was probably typical behavior since they were of the_ _ **Cro-Magnon era,**_ _no doubt…_

Shuddering at the narrow escape, Phoenix got back to the machine in time to see Maya and the prosecutor in a hurricane of ecstasy on the DDR to the tune of _Barbie Girl_ by Aqua. She was slightly out of breath, but dancing like a rag-doll in a tornado, with seamless synchronized rhythm alongside Edgeworth's mellifluent, jutting movements as he danced like a snake being held by its tail _._

The blue attorney then took his attentions off the magenta-clad man, who, he noticed, _with no small degree of irritation,_ had the kind of hair that not only seemed as _sweat-proof_ as the rest of him, but seem to _flow and fall back into place_ around his face in its perfect style, and instead focused his sights on Maya and his annoyance promptly vanished. The graceful spirit medium truly personified the term _tiny dancer_ , her swaying moves nearly flawless. She managed to beat Edgeworth by a hair, which was all the more impressive, considering her drunken state, and Phoenix's enthusiastic applause when they ended the song was heartfelt and genuine.

"You _obviously_ have moves that I've _never_ seen, Maya Fey," he praised, not even trying to mask the admiration in his tone. "I'm pretty impressed, since I know _you_ don't have _a secret DDR machine_ stashed in your basement that you must practice on daily, unlike _Mr. Disco Inferno_ there!"

"I'll have you know I am _not_ in possession of one of these machines _whatsoever_!" Edgeworth retorted. "It's not _my_ fault that Manfred Von Karma insisted that Franziska and I take every kind of dance lesson imaginable growing up, and it's a skill that never wavered!"

"Yet what a completely _inappropriate_ song you chose to demonstrate to those acquired dance moves to!" Phoenix countered. " _Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky_?!"

"What on earth are you jabbering about _now_ , Wright?" The prosecutor demanded disgustedly. "As a child of the 90s I remember all the young children were listening to that song!"

"Never _realizing_ how _suggestive_ and _lewd_ some of the lyrics were!" Phoenix shot back. _"Make me walk, make me talk,_ _ **do whatever you please**_ _, I can act like a star, I can_ _ **beg on my knees**_ _? Come jump in,_ _ **bimbo**_ _friend,_ _ **let us do it again**_ _, hit the town,_ _ **fool around**_ _, let's go party?!"_

"What a _sordid_ mind you have!" Edgeworth face turned puce. "I never even _considered_ …"

" _Bimbo friend?"_ Maya echoed, frowning slightly. "I guess I was too busy trying to keep up with Miles to really pay much attention to the borderline crude lyrics!"

"That's because _you_ have better things to do than dissect a _teenybopper song_ , Maya! Who pays attention to song lyrics, anyway?" Edgeworth sniffed. "Song verses are normally _meaningless_ and are written keeping the _beat_ and tune in mind, and _naught_ else!"

"I disagree wholeheartedly." Phoenix placed his hands on his hips and shot the gray-haired man a combative look. "I think there's _a lot_ to be said in song lyrics! Let me pick the next game we play and I'll _prove_ it to you!"

"I cannot _wait_ to see him try to prove _this_ bluff," Edgeworth mumbled under his breath as he reluctantly followed Phoenix and Maya a few rows over to a game station called Rock Band 4, which had a drum controller, featuring 4 pads, a bass drum pedal, and real drumsticks, a Fender Stratocaster Controller guitar, which featured 10 frets, a whammy bar, and an effects switch, and a USB microphone. Phoenix immediately grabbed the mic, then began scrolling through the song list.

"Ohhh I feel like _banging on something_ , so _I_ am going to be the on the skins!" Maya announced, flopping down on the small stool in front of the drum set. She smiled sheepishly. "Plus I'm kind of worn out and lightheaded from that crazy dancing, so I need to sit my little heinie down!"

"I guess that leaves me with guitar." Edgeworth picked up the instrument and raised an eyebrow at Phoenix. "I suppose _this_ interactive musical video game is somehow going to help you prove your point about _meaningful lyrics_?"

As he frantically scrolled through the song list, Phoenix was beginning to wish he hadn't spoken so confidently, and could already feel the stressful sweat forming in his temples as he rejected song after song.

 _Dammit! I've never before had a chance to show off the fact that my geeky self was in the glee club in high school, and I thought I could showcase my pipes to Maya, and let her know that even though I can't dance, I_ _ **can**_ _sing…_ _ **sorta**_ _…Grrr! Van Morrison –_ _ **Brown-Eyed Girl**_ _. The Cure –_ _ **Friday I'm in Love**_ _. The Scorpions –_ _ **No One Like You**_ _… While I'm pretty sure I could perform any of these rock anthems and do them some justice, none of these lyrics really_ _ **prove the point**_ _I want to make…Aha! Gotcha!_

"You guys ready?" He asked his friends.

They nodded.

"Two…three…four…" And he began belting it out with everything he had.

His heart pounding nervously, Phoenix cast a sideways glance at Maya during a musical refrain to gauge her reaction to the song, and saw that she had literally stopped tapping on the drums at this point and was staring at him searchingly, with a confused…and possibly… _hopeful?..._ Expression on her pretty face.

Swallowing hard, he continued to sing the verse once more. _  
_

* * *

 _Sweet wonderful you,  
You make me happy with the things you do,  
Oh, can it be so,  
This feeling follows me wherever I go.  
I never did believe in miracles,  
But I've a feeling it's time to try.  
I never did believe in the ways of magic,  
But I'm beginning to wonder why.  
Don't, don't break the spell,  
It would be different and you know it will,  
You, you make loving fun,  
And I don't have to tell you you're the only one.  
You make loving fun.  
You make loving fun._

* * *

As soon as the song was over, a small crowd, which none of them had paid any mind to but had steadily been gathering while the triad had been doing their impromptu band performance, burst into even louder round of applause than they given after spectating their dance-a-thon on the DDR machine.

Phoenix blushed furiously, and out of the corner of his eye, saw the wary look on Edgeworth's face as he was _forced to eat his own words_ … But moreover, he couldn't tear his unblinking stare away from Maya, whose searching gaze was intently looking right back at him, as oblivious to their surroundings as he was.

 _Who pays attention to song lyrics, anyway?_

Phoenix Wright did.

And so did Maya Fey.

 _ **Fleetwood Mac – You Make Loving Fun**_

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 7**

 **SkyiesTheLimit**

Don't worry about how the story may have passed by your radar sweetie, it was first started out sometime last year with another terrific writer who is no longer around, hands the ridiculously long hiatus… Which was driving me insane because I _cannot stand leaving a project unfinished_ (unfinished stories are a serious pet peeve… I actually rant about it my profile!), therefore I was so happy when I was able to recruit the wonderfully talented and hilarious yanmegaman to be my partner in crime! I'm so happy you're enjoying the silly fluffiness! Also, glad you like my new cover, I owe it all to my Hugh Jackman Jr!

 **CzarThwomp**

Better late than pregnant – er, _never_ , - Wright? You have no idea how happy I am that people actually care to read my zombie resurrected fan fic! Also the idea of Franziska fake dating Phoenix as retribution upon her Little Brother is a deliciously evil idea which my cohort and I may need to put some serious thought to! ;)

 **TheMysteriousGeek2345**

 _"...I never, EVER, want to see Wendy Oldbag twerking in a string Bikini... *shudders* "_

The authors would like to sincerely apologize for any nightmares or serious mental trauma that occurred in any of the reader's minds if they actually picture that harrowing scenario! XD

 _Drunk!Maya_ is a blast to write and I hope you enjoy still get a kick out of her continued antics… It ain't over …until all of Maya's six stomachs are full! :p

 **Batfreak2008**

Hooray for team Phoenix! You've inspired me to actually put up a voting poll for our readers! Also I'm delighted you like my attempts at comedy since you also stick around for the angst-fest that is Turnabout Everlasting!

 **thepudz**

Boys will be boys! And Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth are no exception! As much as I think these to bring out the best in one another they also tend to bring out the worst as a resort to juvenile antics… In this case letting their courtroom competitiveness follow them outside the courthouse! I'd like to say for the record that spotted Dick really is a British dessert and not just there because the writer is a complete deviant perv/lover of puns! XD

 **Forgreatcoffee**

Who thought that the shenanigans of a drunken minor because the irresponsibility of two legal professionals could cause so much mirth among our wonderful readers? LOL

Nothing against people that worship Phoenix and Miles as a couple but when you take away everything and put it down to its bare bones, I figure their schoolyard style bickering would be as identical in the bedroom as it is in the courtroom! However I have to admit the bickering is still _glorious_ to write… I just leave the _kiss and makeup angle_ to other writers who excel in that realm! :p

The idea of Phoenix Wright using those buns and thighs of steel to panel to Canada is delightful but unnecessary… Doesn't you know that I would give him a ride no problem? Um…over the border I mean… I mean the great true North has so much more to offer! Our beer is stronger therefore our women look cuter! XD


	9. Enter the Koopa Queen

_**Yanmegaman:**_ _Whoop! Time for my next chapter! I hope you guys enjoy it, as I'm well aware that JP's last couple chapters are a tough act to follow. And please remember, do not feed the manatees._

 _ **JP:**_ _There are few things more awesome than a hilarious, talented writer that is so humble - he's got it backwards! It's ME who needs to try to keep up with the comedic gold that HE writes! This chapter is no exception! We'd love to know if you agree with me guys! ;)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Nine:** **Enter the Koopa Queen** _  
_

" _Finish him_!" Boomed a loud, almost demonic voice as those very words appeared on the screen of the arcade cabinet.

"Do it now, Nick! Do what I told you!" Maya cried out as she shook the lawyer by his shoulders while also _screaming_ right next to his ear!

"Geez Maya, _**say**_ _it, don't_ _ **spray**_ _it!_ " Phoenix shifted his gaze from the screen to the buttons and joystick in front of him. "Uh let's see… I think it was…"

His hands moved quickly but carefully across the buttons for a few seconds, before he looked back to the screen, just in time to see his blue-clad ninja character grab his red opponent, lifting him in the air and using his ice powers to freeze him solid before _ripping_ him _clean in half_!

" _Sub-Zero wins! Fatality_!" The game announced, as the word _"Fatality"_ appeared on the screen in blood.

Phoenix turned to face his rival, a prideful, smug look on his face. "Ha! _Take THAT_ , Edgeworth!"

The magenta clad prosecutor, however, continued to stare at the screen in _horror._ "Wright, you just… _Ripped a man in half_! Does this not _faze_ you at _all_!?"

"Huh? Edgeworth, it's a _game_! You're acting like I just committed a _murder_!"

"You _may as well have_!" Maya cried, butting into the conversation. "He just _destroyed_ you, Miles! Your head was _totally_ not in the game!" She then began to push the prosecutor away from the machine. "Now watch out, I said I'd play winner!"

Edgeworth watched as the young woman excitedly tapped away at the buttons on the machine, obviously having a blast. He let out a sigh and turned around, sitting on the nearby bench.

 _Ever since Wright's admittedly touching performance earlier, Maya has practically been_ glued _to his side! The tide has shifted in his favor, it seems. I_ _ **must**_ _come up with some way to gain her attention again, lest the fair maiden choose Sir Blue Knight. But what could I possibly do in this techno playground?_

Edgeworth's thoughts were cut short by the arcade machine's loud voice.

" _Finish him!"_ It cried.

" _Wha_ \- _H-how_ did you –" Phoenix spluttered, apparently in utter shock of how _thoroughly_ Maya had just _decimated_ him.

"Aw, don't feel too bad for losing, Nick! Here, lemme give you kiss."

 _A-A_ _ **kiss**_ _!? Am I too late?_ Edgeworth panicked as he looked at the two at the machine. Phoenix appeared to be looking at the young beauty with anticipation as Maya stared back. However, Maya then quickly turned her attention back to the game as her fingers gracefully danced across the tabletop. Onscreen, her purple clad character planted a kiss on Phoenix's character. However, what appeared to be a sweet gesture quickly turned gruesome as Maya's character _swallowed her opponent whole_ , before quickly _spitting_ _the_ _bones_ back out!

The defense attorney stared dumbfounded at the screen, unsure of what to make of what just transpired as the game spoke again. _"Mileena wins! Flawless victory! Fatality!"_

"Gotcha! _Kiss of death_ , baby!" The young spirit medium guffawed at the man's stunned response.

Even Edgeworth found himself chuckling at this, finding Maya's purposeful misleading of the attorney to be both hilarious _and_ relieving, knowing that he had not _yet_ lost this match to his porcupine-headed adversary.

"Whew!" Maya pretended to wipe some sweat off her brow. "I'll tell ya, fellas, after the dancing, the rocking, and the butt kicking, I've worked up quite an appetite!"

Edgeworth's eye widened in alarm at this.

 _You_ _ **MUST**_ _be joking! We left the restaurant barely an hour ago! How could you have_ _ **possibly**_ _have worked off your burgers, seafood, and many_ _ **unfortunately named desserts**_ _, yet still managed to have enough alcohol in your system to squeal like an over-excited fangirl at a teenager from down under?_

"C'mon, guys! How about we go try some of the food at that diner where Nick was undressing that waitress with his eyes?" Maya offered, grabbing the two men, making a point to actually hold Phoenix's hand while simply grabbing Edgeworth's sleeve, and dragging them towards the aforementioned diner.

"Hey! I already told you I was _not_ checking out the staff!" Phoenix protested, his voice nearly reaching courtroom levels, and his denial beginning to enter the realm of _the Butz_!

"Oh, would you relax, Nick? I so don't care that you were checking out that busty blonde."

"I said I _wasn't checking her out_! And she was a _redhead_!" Phoenix retorted, before realizing his mistake and quickly trying to remedy it. "Er, I mean, _not_ that… I was _looking_ , or anything…"

 _Smooth, Wright._ The DDR champion smirked. _**Real**_ _smooth._

The trio eventually made their way into the diner. Finally entering the establishment, true to the charcoal -haired man's scripted reading of the guidebook, the décor was that of a 50's style diner. The floor was tiled into a checkerboard pattern. Booths and tables dotted the eatery with authentic looking leather chairs. In the center of it all was a glossy reflective bar surrounded by bar stools, where patrons of all ages enjoyed their greasy fare. A jukebox sat in the back, blaring a pixelated-sounding song, which Edgeworth assumed had to come from some old school video game. Pictures also lined the walls, appearing to be of different 50's celebrities as well as records, however, something struck him as odd about them, though he couldn't quite place it at first.

As soon as she set foot into the place, Maya let out a high squeak that was piercing enough to shatter glass!

"Oh my God! This place is so awesome! They're playing the Super Mario Bros theme on the jukebox! And look!" She cried, pointing at one of the many photos lining the restaurant walls. "It's _Mario Presley_!"

Edgeworth took a moment to inspect said picture, and true to the medium's words, it depicted the King of Rock and Roll, but his famous visage had been replaced with that of the mustachioed plumber from the Mushroom Kingdom!

"Uh, Edgeworth." Phoenix spoke up, pulling the prosecutor back to reality as he looked toward the blue attorney. "What was this place called again?"

"Oh, give me just a moment to check the guidebook," he replied, reaching into his suit pocket to retrieve the pamphlet. However, before he had it in his hand, another voice cried out.

"Hey there folks, welcome to the Warp Pipe! Can I get you – Oh, hey it's _you guys_!" The unmistakable accent nearly gave the newly cravat-less man a headache.

Annoyed gray eyes looked up to see none other than the _wayward wallaby_ , Dylan.

 _Just my luck. It's not bad enough that_ _ **Wright**_ _has Maya eating out of the palm of his hand, but now_ _ **Steve Irwin**_ _had to come make his reappearance!_

Maya registered her new friend's presence as well, albeit with much more enthusiasm, rushing forward and effusively wrapping her arms around the young man, making him lose his footing and suddenly began to slip and slide, as though he had just stepped on a banana peel!

"Dylan! What are _you_ \- _whoooooa_!" The young spirit medium cried out as she and the teen fell to the ground in a tangled heap.

" _Maya_!" Phoenix and Edgeworth both called out as they rushed to the girl's aid. The prosecutor reached her first, holding a hand out to her.

The raven-haired teen dazedly shook her head, obviously disoriented from the fall, and opened her eyes, finding herself staring straight into a pair bright blue orbs! She flinched and fell backward as Dylan made no attempt to move, more out of inability, than having no desire to do so!

"S-sorry about that, Dylan," Maya apologized as she accepted Edgeworth's hand and was pulled to her feet. "Guess I don't know my own strength." A blush stained her cheeks.

Dylan's face was equally red, if not more so, as he accepted a hand from Phoenix, who helped pull the shaky teenager to his feet.

"Uh, d-don't worry about it. You probably just didn't notice my change of shoes," he explained, extending his leg forward. "One of the waitresses had to leave early for a family emergency, so they put me here until her replacement comes in."

The group looked down at the young man's foot, to see he was now sporting a pair of roller skates, as well as having changed into a more retro uniform. He wore a green shirt underneath a pair of overalls, making him look every bit the part of a server at a video game themed 50's diner!

 _An_ _ **Australian**_ _dressed as an_ _ **Italian**_ _stereotype?_ Edgeworth silently grumbled to himself. _Can't say_ _ **this**_ _is where I expected this evening to go!_

"So, I reckon you've all played up an appetite, eh? C'mon, I'll show ya to a booth." Dylan offered, rolling forward on his skates as he led the group to a booth not far from the jukebox. As they all took their seats, the Australian handed out some menus. "Just a heads up, drinks are free. They're covered with the price of admission."

 _Ah,_ _ **free**_ _. Wright's favorite word._ Edgeworth arched an eyebrow at his rival, seeing the man exhale a sigh of relief.

"Well, I _already_ know what I want! A Coke and two of those 1UP burgers you were hyping up earlier!" Maya cried, handing the menu back to the server.

Phoenix handed his back as well. "I'll just have an iced tea, thanks."

Edgeworth took a moment to peruse the drink selections, before simply settling on iced tea as well. He closed his menu and moved to hand it back to the Australian youth.

"I will simply have –" His sentence was cut short as a sudden ruckus rang out through the restaurant.

"Sweet, merciful _Christ in heaven_! That's _hotter than the Devil's nether regions_!" The bellowing that echoed throughout the restaurant was in a rather _distinct_ , yet somehow _familiar_ , southern accent.

The group turned around to assess where the cacophony of sound was coming from, finding themselves looking at a large group crowding around one table.

"What on earth is going on over there?" Edgeworth questioned.

"Ah, looks like we got _another_ one. Poor bastard!" Dylan replied, barely hiding back a chuckle. "What you're looking at is some poor soul who decided to take on the _Koopa Wing challenge_."

"The _what_?" The prosecutor eyed the waiter strangely.

" _The Koopa Wing challenge_ ," the teenage boy repeated, as though this were common knowledge. "Remember I mentioned our Total Carnage menu? Well, this challenge takes it a step further. A dozen chicken wings covered in a sauce that uses a mixture of spices, as well five drops of _pure ghost pepper extrac_ t."

"Are you describing _food_ or some kind of _medieval torture_!?" Phoenix's eyes widened in disbelief at the concept of any person _willfully_ placing something so hot in their mouth.

"It's crazy, right? Not a single person's ever eaten 'em all. Gotta choke down _all twelve_ with _no drink_ and _no dipping sauce_. And it should go without saying that ya gotta keep 'em down, too."

Another holler from across the room once again caught the group's attention.

"MILK! GET ME SOME MILK, **NOW**! I DON'T CARE IF I GOTTA **SUCK IT STRAIGHT FROM THE DANG COW'S TIT**!"

"Tsk tsk. They _never_ learn." Dylan shook his head. "Anyway, what was it you were saying there, er… _Mike_?"

Phoenix smirked and Maya flat out tittered at Dylan's mistake, as the prosecutor narrowed his eyes at the boy.

" _Miles_ , actually. And I was simply ordering an iced tea." He stated in a monotone as he handed his menu to the server.

"Right, sorry. I'll be right back with your drinks. I suggest you _enjoy the show_ in the meantime! From the sounds of it, we may get to see _a fire breather_ in a minute!" With that, the grinning young man skated off to collect their drinks.

"Uh, hey guys." Maya spoke up, catching both attorney's attention. "Not to sound like an ignoramus, but what'd he mean by _ghost pepper extract_?"

"Uh…" Phoenix began, but then abruptly faltered and his voice trailed off. "Er, Edgeworth, you wanna take this one?"

 _Typical. Admitting ignorance isn't that hard, Wright._

"Well, you see, Maya, extract is essentially the oil that coats a pepper. A pepper isn't simply spicy all on its own; it's coated in oil that gives it the spice. The ghost pepper, or _bhut jolokia_ , is considered the _fifth hottest pepper in the world_ , so it should go without saying that its extract is rather _potent_. Furthermore, on the Sco –"

Before Edgeworth could continue his explanation any further, much to Phoenix's delight, they were once again interrupted by the hotheaded eating challenger.

"GANG WAY! I NEED ME A DRINK AND I NEED IT **NOW**!"

The trio glanced up at the crowd once more, just in time to see Lotta Hart, in all her _loudmouthed, hair-raising glory_ , burst through the crowd.

"Water, milk, SOMETHIN'! I NEED A DRINK!" The frizzy-haired journalist roared at the top of her lungs. She looked around the restaurant frantically, her eyes scanning for anything in the immediate area to cool her flaming mouth with. Finally her eyes stopped on Dylan, who was just coming out of the kitchen with the iced teas and soda. "YOU THERE!"

Before the poor boy could even react, Lotta rushed him like a charging bull, sending him flying into the jukebox as she snatched up the iced teas and began _downing them as if her life depended on it!_

"IT DOES **NOTHIN'**! LAWD HAVE MERCY!" Lotta cried, her eyes watering and sweat dripping from her brow. She made an immediate turn and rushed out of the restaurant, presumably hightailing it to the nearest water fountain.

Maya jumped up from her seat and rushed over to her fallen friend, who was rubbing the back of his head in pain.

"Ugh, quite a pair of _lead pipes_ for arms she's got there!" The teenager muttered as he brought himself to his feet.

"Dylan! Are you OK!?" Maya asked worriedly as she reached the young man, Edgeworth and Phoenix following close behind.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. That's not the first time we've had a customer _lose it_ after, well, _losing the challenge_!" He flashed Maya and the two lawyers a wry grin. "Sorry, guys, your drinks will be another minute."

The prosecutor shook his head at the boy. "That's quite alright. But are you _sure_ you're alright? It appeared as though you bumped your head rather hard."

Dylan held up a hand and shook his head. "I _swear_ , I'm _fine_." He tapped a fist again his head. "Hard as a rock."

"Well, here." The young woman stepped next to the server and stood on her toes. "Maybe _this_ will make it feel better." She said, before placing a soft kiss right on the flustered young man's temple!

Every alarm in Edgeworth's head went off all at once upon witnessing the gesture.

 _You MUST be_ _ **kidding**_ _me!_ He screamed in his head as he watched the teenager's face turn as red as his own suit. _An accent and being tackled by a woman who has more_ _ **hair**_ _than_ _ **brains**_ _is_ _ **all**_ _it takes to_ _ **win a kiss**_ _from this woman!?_

Back in reality, Dylan blushed furiously at Maya as both legal geniuses gave him _the death stare to end all death stares_.

"Uh, t-thanks." He managed to sputter as his cheeks burned. "I-I-I think I'm alright. Uh, y-you guys just, uh, go take your seats, I'll be right back with your drinks… _Again_!" With that, the waiter rushed back to the kitchen at breakneck speed, as Maya mischievously grinned from ear-to-ear.

"I think I just _made his day_ , don't you think, think, guys?" The raven-haired girl asked coyly as she walked back to the booth, apparently oblivious to the expressions on both men's faces.

"Uh, y-yeah." The spiky-haired attorney replied awkwardly. "Don't think _anyone_ saw that coming."

"Indeed. It did seem to blindside us _all."_ Edgeworth added, sliding back into his seat.

Maya shrugged. "What can I say, he's _cute_! Although I'm not entirely sure he's my type."

 _Not her type, eh? I wonder…_

"Well, if _X-Men lookalikes_ aren't your type, pray tell, then _what_ is?" Edgeworth asked blithely, ignoring the glare Phoenix was giving him.

Maya put a hand to her chin, her eyes looking toward the ceiling, appearing as though she was deep in thought. "Hmm, well, if I _had_ to peg it down to _just one type_ , I'd have to say…"

Both men studied in heavy anticipation, fervently awaiting her answer. She opened her mouth to speak again, but apparently, God seem to _love toying with attorneys_ , as the aforementioned Australian chose _that exact moment_ to return, this time touting a full tray of drinks, as well as Maya's burgers.

"Here ya go guys. Again, sorry about the wait on the drinks," Dylan expressed regretfully as he distributed everyone's orders.

"Oh, no need to apologize," Maya replied, turning her attention away from the frustrated lawyers and taking her drink and food from the server. "We know what happened, Dylan. Plus, how could I be mad at any person bringing me _this?_ "

She gestured to one of the burgers, which, true to the earlier description, had replaced the traditional bun with two halves of a _glazed donut._ The young spirit medium immediately attacked the sandwich, practically _unhinging her jaw_ in the same manner as _an Anaconda_!

Edgeworth stared on in _horror_ as one of the _monstrosities_ known as the 1UP burger was completely devoured in _two minutes_! All the while, Phoenix, more accustomed to his assistant's hearty appetite, regarded the prosecutor's aghast expression with barely concealed amusement. Maya reached out to grab her second burger, but suddenly froze.

"Huh? What was _that_?" Phoenix's confused eyes roved the restaurant with look of trepidation on his face.

"What was _what_?" Edgeworth wasn't sure just _what_ the spiky-haired man was trying to get across. However, a split second later, he understood. A quick glance at his barely touched iced tea told him that _something_ was _awry_. While remaining _untouched_ , the liquid in the glass suddenly _rippled_.

 _What on Earth?_

Another moment later, the drink sloshed about yet _again_. Now the entire restaurant was looking around, trying to make sense of what was going on.

Yet another ominous reverberation, this time followed by an unmistakable _shake of ground_.

 _A – an_ _ **earthquake**_ _!?_ The prosecutor's insides began to quiver. _N-not_ _ **here**_ _! Not_ _ **now**_ _!_

Several rumbles and thunderous shakes later, however, Edgeworth began to understand that his fear was unfounded.

 _This is no quake! It's far too rhythmic! Too perfect!_

Nevertheless, he realized that _something_ was coming. Something _large_. And perhaps… something _hungry_.

Several more moments passed and suddenly, the bell above the door to the restaurant rang, just as the tremor began to die down. The threesome all craned their necks to see what _horrible_ _monstrosity_ had arrived in their midst.

Maya was anticipating _**Browser**_ , _The Koopa King_ himself to suddenly materialize!

Phoenix anxiously wondered if _Godzilla_ wasn't merely just a cheesy Hollywood movie creation!

Edgeworth half expected to be treated to a sight straight Steven Spielberg's _Jurassic Park!_

However, a ravenous T-Rex _still_ would have been a _far_ more welcome sight than the _actual_ ghastly beast that now stood at the front of the restaurant! Slate-colored eyes watched in horror as the creature let out its horrible cry.

"Waiter! A table for one!" Commanded the grotesquely obese woman in an already displeased voice.

It was the same _ham planet_ from the movie theater, mercifully without her demon offspring this time.

Dylan skated out of the kitchen quickly, meeting the woman at the door. "Whoops, sorry about that ma'am, was –" The teenager's words died in his throat as he took in _the sight before him_. Or at least, as much as _could_ be seen …from _a non-aerial view_.

"Hmph! Shoddy service already!" The woman's chins jiggled and swayed to and fro. "I would _like_ to be seated young man! At a _booth_ , if you would."

"A – a booth, right?" Dylan's eyes quickly scanned the restaurant, obviously registering the fact that _none_ of the booths appeared to be large enough to see this _gargantuan mound_ of woman. "Uh, just one second."

 _If this young lad is not careful, this manatee will devour him long before a crocodile ever gets a chance!_

Edgeworth watched the server adjusting a table at one of the booths to accommodate the woman, who was currently tapping her foot at the doorway, very nearly replicating the feeling of an earthquake.

Dylan rushed back to the woman. "Er, sorry about that, right this way, ma'am." He gestured toward the booth and began skating forward as the manatee followed closely behind, sending tremors throughout the restaurant, spilling several glasses and her wake. The woman finally slid into the booth, the act requiring her to adjust her gut, leaving her ginormous breasts to rest upon the table. The teen tentatively offered a menu, which she gruffly snatched up, nearly pulling the poor young man's arm from its socket!

"Now then, I hope _the food_ is better than _the service_." The Blob huffed as she began to look over the menu. Dylan never even got to ask a question before she began to rattle off her order, barely giving the Australian a chance to pull out his notepad and pen. "I would two shakes, one chocolate and one strawberry. Next, I would like two of the 1UP burgers, with extra mustard and a side of fries for one and Emerald Hill Onion rings for the other."

The woman continued to rattle of her seemingly never-ending order for what felt like _eons_! All the while, Edgeworth couldn't help but feel bad for the young server, whose hand obviously was beginning to cramp as he continued to write all of this information down as fast as he could.

Finally, the land whale finished her order. "And I expect _much quicker service_ from now on!"

"R-right. I'm sorry for your wait, ma'am. I'll get this order in and bring your shakes right away." With that, Dylan beat a hasty retreat back to the kitchen.

Having stopped eating in time to witness the whole ordeal, Maya finally turned her attention back to her untouched burger, grabbing and speaking before taking a bite. "Wow, and I thought _I_ ate a lot! I'm pretty sure _The Koopa Queen_ ordered _half the menu!_ "

 _I believe the **entire** menu would be much closer to the mark. _ Edgeworth thought to himself, unsure of how Maya could still have _any_ sort of appetite after seeing the woman's immense body jiggling like a bowlful of disgusting Jell-O!

"I just feel bad for that poor kid." Phoenix chimed in. "Rushing back and forth between the kitchen and her table, I wouldn't be surprised to see him collapse."

"Indeed. If _my_ run-in with that tub of lard at the concessions stand at the theater is any indication, our young Aussie friend is in for quite the workout." Edgeworth added.

The server burst through the kitchen door, two shakes on his tray as he skated to the manatee's booth. "Here ya are, ma'am. Your burgers should be ready in just a few minutes, so just hang tight."

"Hmph!" The large woman huffed as she snatched up her shake. "Don't tell me what to do, _skinny_!"

Dylan reeled back at this comment before turning on his heel and returning to the group's table. "You guys still doing alright here?" He asked in a polite but slightly strained voice.

"Yes." Edgeworth answered as he took a quick sip of his iced tea. "Much better than _you_ , I believe"

"Huh? Oh, _that_ woman? Ah, this ain't no big deal," Dylan replied weakly. "With any luck, she's a good tipper, right?"

Edgeworth grimaced at the young man's use of a double negative, but chose to remain silent on the matter. "I wouldn't be so sure. We had a run-in with her earlier that –"

"What's this _we_ had a run-in business, Edgeworth?" Phoenix suddenly butted into the conversation. "I believe it was _me_ that had a run-in with her. Or more specifically, _my face did_!"

"Oh jeez, are you _still_ going on about that whole thing, Nick? So the land whale tripped and made you look like you had _a most unfortunate accident_. Big deal!"

Dylan couldn't contain his snickers upon hearing this. "Boy, sounds like you guys have had an _interesting_ evening."

"Heck yeah, we have!" Maya cried, pumping her fist into the air. "We went to go see the new _Steel Samurai_ movie, then we went to LA Prime and had dinner. Did you know that they serve a dessert called _spotted dick_?"

Dylan burst out laughing at this. "You're kidding! That _can't_ be _real_!"

Before the two could continue their conversation any further, a bell rang behind the counter, followed by a cry of, "Order up!"

"Ah, hold that thought. Duty calls." With that, Dylan rushed behind the counter, snatching up the first two of _many_ plates for the woman, and rushed to her booth, where Bowser's long-lost co-monarch had just sucked down the first of her two shakes. "Here you are, ma'am. Two 1UP burgers. The rest of your order is cooking right now."

"Very good." The manatee took a humongous bite out of one of her sandwiches, obliterating nearly half of it in one bite as she grabbed a fistful of onion rings and stuffed them in her face.

Dylan visibly grimaced before quickly returning to the trio's table. "So, do you guys need anything else, or can I go ahead get you the bill?"

Edgeworth finished off his drink before replying. "I believe the check would be fine now. That is, if your appetite has been sated, Maya?"

Maya treated him to an adorable grin. "I should be good to go for a few more hours after this."

 _I would hope so! Any_ _ **more**_ _food tonight and you and Big Bertha may very well be_ _ **tied**_ _for_ _ **most food consumed in a single evening**_ _!_

The server nodded and began to turn on his heel. "Alright, I'll –"

The young man was cut off as the woman shouted out suddenly in her booming voice.

"Waiter! Come here at once!"

Dylan stared, wide-eyed, at the woman for a moment before turning back to Edgeworth.

"I'll, uh, be right back." With that, the teen rushed to the woman's table. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am? Anything not to your liking?"

" _What's the problem_!?" The cheese hog parroted, her pudding of a face now puce in color. "You _look_ at this burger and _you_ tell _me_ _what the problem_ _ **is**_!" She held out the remains of her sandwich, lifting the donut bun up.

"Uh, I-I'm not sure what –"

"Oh, don't play dumb with _me_ , boy! I asked for _extra mustard_! Does _this_ look like _extra mustard_ to you!?" The woman was now in full rage mode, her countless jowls flapping all over the place, threatening to smack someone right in the face!

"Uh, I-I'm sorry if it's not quite right, ma'am. I can go talk to the chef and have him make you another." Dylan offered, his voice beginning to register genuine fear as the quaking mountain of excess flesh shouted at him.

" _Another_ one!? The buffoon couldn't even handle _the simplest request_!" Spittle was now flying from the behemoth's mouth, with Dylan just narrowly dodging the droplets that threatened to land on his face. "The service here has been _horrendous_ since the moment I stepped in! I _demand_ a discount on my entire order to make up for this! _No less than fifty percent_!"

"Uh, I-I'm sorry, ma'am. The most I can do is have your order replaced. I don't have the authority to give discounts."

The manatee suddenly rose up from her seat, at a speed much faster than one would expect from someone of her size.

"Don't you _dare_ talk back to me! The customer is _always_ right!" She suddenly drew back her arm, forming her hand into a ham-sized fist.

Maya suddenly gasped as things began to turn violent. Edgeworth's eyes widened and he found his body moving of its own volition.

" _ **HOLD IT!"**_ He bellowed out in the loudest voice he could possibly muster, the words practically echoing through the restaurant as he stood and thrust his arm forward in his famous courtroom pose.

The entire restaurant grew silent as everyone turned to gawk at him.

"That is quite _enough_ , you _mammoth land whale_!" Edgeworth rose from the booth and stalked over to the woman. Phoenix and Maya stared after him, their mouths agape at the prosecutor's uncharacteristically rude words.

The woman's squished up, beady eyes nearly bulged out of her fat face as she glowered at the prosecutor and turned her attention away from Dylan. " _What_ did you just call me, you _fluttering fop?"_

"Oh, forgive me. I didn't realize that your _lard rolls_ had covered your ears, making it difficult to hear. _I called you a land whale_!" Edgeworth shouted as he finally came to stand between the manatee and Dylan. "And by that, I mean that all that _blubber_ on you makes it appear as though you _crawled straight out of the ocean_! Am I being _clear enough_ _ **now**_ _?!"_

The woman practically had steam spewing from her ears at this point.

"How _dare_ you!? I'll teach you respect, you little welp!" She drew her arm back again, blobs of flesh flying backward from her upper arm, readying a punch aimed straight at the prosecutor's face!

However, Edgeworth stood his ground. "I would reconsider that, if I were you. That is, unless you wish to spend the rest your evening behind bars."

The blubbery mass flinched at these words. "W-what? Are you going to call the cops?"

The silver-haired man shut his eyes and chuckled smugly. "Am I going to call the cops? That depends on your next action. _Assault_ is a serious offense, no doubt. I could _easily_ have you arrested." He suddenly opened his eyes again. "However, if you assault _me_ , you can be certain that your punishment would be _ten times worse_."

"Y-you're _bluffing_." Was all the manatee could choke out.

"Am I?" Edgeworth reached into his pocket and pulled something out, presenting it to her. "I trust you know what _this_ is?"

She looked down and her eyes nearly bugged out of her head as she looked at the unmistakable, shiny metal prosecutor's badge.

"It would seem I was correct in my assumption." He pocketed the object once more. "My name is _Miles Edgeworth_. Perhaps you've heard of me? Scratch that, I _know_ you have, but allow me to fully introduce myself. I am the High Prosecutor of this district. I personally see to it that _all_ the _lowest of the low_ in this city are brought to justice. And after not only this display, but the _outright assault of my companion_ at the theatre earlier this evening, _you_ seem to fit that bill rather _well_."

"Y-you wouldn't… I-I have a son!"

"Hmph." Edgeworth snorted. "Yes, your spoiled little brat. I'm certain we can find a nice home for him while you serve your sentence." He looked straight into the she-thing's eyes, a fire burning in them as he stared into this woman's _soul._ "Allow me to make this perfectly simple to understand. Though I have turned a blind eye to your antics so far tonight, should you lay even _one_ of those _sausages that you call fingers_ on either _myself_ or _this young man_ …" He gestured to Dylan. "I _will_ show you _exactly_ why I am called the ' _Demon Prosecutor'_ by ensuring that you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law! Now, have I made myself clear?"

The manatee swallowed a lump in her throat as she stepped backwards, sitting back down at her booth.

"C-Crystal, sir." She turned to look at Dylan. "Y-young man, forget everything I said earlier. I'll eat my food and pay full price."

Edgeworth smirked. "Excellent." He turned to walk away, before stopping in his track, craning his head over his shoulder. "Oh, and ma'am?"

The woman looked at him one last time, genuine fear in her puffy eyes.

He treated her to a cheeky smile. "I also trust you'll tip your wonderful server well, correct?"

"Y-yes! You can count on it!"

With that, the triumphant prosecutor finally made his way back to the booth, taking his seat as the entire restaurant watched him in stunned silence. However, one set of eyes caught his attention, though he tried not to make it obvious that he noticed the unmistakable look of admiration in Maya Fey's eyes as she gazed in newfound awe at High Prosecutor, Miles Edgeworth.

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading! If you guys haven't already voted in the poll on my profile cast your pick about who Maya should be with: Sir Red Knight or Sir Blue Knight!_

 **Chapter 8**

 **Mihoshi 2.0**

I didn't give a definitive timeline of when I wrote this but it was right after the Matt Engarde case in Justice For All when things had thought out somewhat between Edgeworth and Phoenix, but the Wrightworth bromance had not fully come into fruition. Also it was right after Miles had come back from the dead, so I capitalized on the fact that perhaps Phoenix had _more than one reason_ to have latent hostility towards the prosecutor!

I know Maya was pretty wasted but you might be underestimating the powerful, heart stirring performance of Mr. Wright! I know _I'd_ personally remember something like that… But you posed _a very interesting angle_ of whether or not _she_ will… :p

The manatee made her thunderous reappearance in this chapter whether or not her insolent offspring will be spotted is a faith and going to leave in the very capable hands of my hilarious copilot!

I would have loved Wendy seeing Edgeworth's dirty dancing, no doubt it would a set off her pacemaker! XD

Since we missed that golden opportunity, we will have to find some _other_ way to have Wendy see Miles doing something _else_ that's sexy and gallant (having been raised by a wealthy German aristocrat I have no doubt that he is a man of many talents both nurtured and natured solving light on his feet I always thought would be one of them!) And if my copilot is a _sadistic as I am_ , (coughs *he totally is!*) I have little doubt that their paths will cross at some point at the arcade! ;)

 **SkyiesTheLimit**

I've had the pleasure of going to your beautiful country to celebrate the end of my teenage years not too long ago, and I absolutely fell in love with the beauty as well as the people, and I'm delighted that you appreciated both the Canadian and Australian references!

 _Gah_! Have them _both be gay_ and _neither_ of them be into Maya?! While I can totally understand the Wrightworth shipping angle of the two hot lawyers, I can assure you _one_ of them will definitely emerge victorious in the story, which will not swing _that_ way!

Nick is truly in love with Maya, it's just a matter of whether or not _he_ actually _knows_ this yet. The question is whether or not Miles _actually_ likes her or is just doing this because as you said he's not the type to give in anytime soon for anything… Is to be determined. We shall see!

 **Forgreatcoffee**

 _"Oh Ron you are such a fool sometimes. Your also a very lucky man. As for you have Dessie. The only conclusion I can come to is that you must be swinging some pipe."_

I laughed so hard I nearly cried when I read that! Mind you it's imagery I absolutely do not want to picture because I find the wimpy, whingy, Cinnabon-haired Ron as sexy as a hand puppet… XD

I'm glad you're tasting coffee is equivalent to your taste in music Señor Java. Who doesn't love Fleetwood Mac? :-)

 **CzarThwomp**

A pack of saltines in a lemon wedge you say? The perfect combatants for nausea… And no doubt if Nick would lose Maya to his courtroom rival he would be sick to his stomach indeed! LOL

You posed a very fascinating and potentially hilarious scenario… How wide little Pearly react if Maya wound up with someone who was not Nick as her special someone? XD

Thank you for voting in the poll! :-)

 **DannyDragon**

 _Hola mi amiga musica!_ I thought you might appreciate the romance of Fleetwood Mac!

I'm happy you think that this is an original fake… As far as I know I hasn't been done before yet, and I just can't help that I love a good old-fashioned romantic comedy! I can't take credit for Edgeworth silent soliloquy to his dearly departed cravat that would be the creative genius of my copilot, but I will thank you kindly for appreciating Phoenix wetting his pants! XD

 _Muchas gracias!_

 **TheMysteriousGeek2345**

As much of this is not a Wrightworth romance in the making there will be no FeyWrightWorth three-way simply because I try really hard to keep my stories _teen_ rated…and save such glorious smut reading for A03! (great now you made me go look for one!) XD

For the record I like to point out that once you take away the prerequisite love scenes for a Wrightworth romance, at the end of the day you ultimately _will_ get the kind of old married couple kind of bickering that I so love to put into my stories between these two hotties! Is it bizarre that I almost enjoy writing such dialogue almost more than I do my actual romances?! LOL (I'm glad you like their bickering there is no end to it and fight!)

I hate to give away spoilers but the reason the adorable Aussie was not in the poll is because he is truly not a contender in this jousting match as Maya did point out is not quite her type… Unfortunately my copilot is deliciously evil and never did finish writing _what_ her type actually _is_! :p

 **thepudz**

Well in this chapter is pretty evident they are both crazy jealous over the adorable Australian… Did you know one of our readers actually voted to have him with Maya? XD

I'm glad you appreciate the Wrightworth banter… There's a lot more that came from and I don't think we've seen the last of Dylan either ;)


	10. Love is a Battlefield

_Yanmegaman: Howdy folks! Sorry to have kept you waiting for so long, but rest assured this stories not on hiatus again! We are getting close to the end, guys, so do remember to cast your votes for Team Wright or Team Edgeworth! And also be ready for a show down next chapter…_

 _JP:We are rounding the bend folks! It's not too late to get your votes in on the poll in my profile and decide which suitor, Sir Red Knight or Sir Blue Knight will win the fair maiden's hand - YOU hold their fates in your hands! Enjoy this latest installment from my fave punny man!  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Ten:** **Love is a Battlefield**

"And finally, at a blistering 1.5 million on the Scoville scale, is the Carolina Reaper, the hottest pepper _in the_ _world_ …" Edgeworth continued to drone on about the earlier topic of peppers, which Maya was now suddenly _so_ interested in, much to Phoenix's ennui...and _annoyance_!

 _And at an incredible_ _ **10 million**_ _on_ _ **the arrogant asshole scale**_ _is_ _ **the Miles Edgeworth**_ _, also known as_ _ **the**_ _most arrogant asshole_ _ **in the world!**_ The defense attorney thought angrily to himself. _Seriously, ever since he stood up for that kid at the diner, she's eating out of palm of his hand! Hey Maya, remember_ _ **me**_ _? Your_ _ **defense attorney**_ _best friend who defends people..._ _ **for a living!?**_

"Holy cow! And people actually _eat_ that?! My face would melt off!" Maya exclaimed as she continued to walk ahead of Phoenix, her arm linked with prosecutor's.

"Indeed." Edgeworth chuckled. "You would definitely not see _me_ ingesting one, _that_ much is certain!"

"Hey, you said earlier that the ghost pepper used to be the hottest. Was this other one discovered after it or something?"

 _Oh, would you_ _ **quit**_ _acting like you actually_ _ **give a damn**_ _, Maya!?_ Phoenix mentally screamed. _There's only about a_ _ **million**_ _other more interesting subjects to be talking about other than_ _ **dull as hell**_ _peppers! You don't even_ _ **like them on your burgers**_ _! I should pose an_ _ **objection**_ _right now, because evidently, Edgeworth plans to win this battle for your heart by ensuring_ _ **his competition**_ _is bored to tears_ _ **,**_ _if not outright bored to sleep_ _ **!**_

"Ah, a very good question. You see, the reaper, along with the other top four hottest peppers, are actually – "

Before Edgeworth could inculcate any further, and effectively lull Phoenix _into_ _a_ _coma_ , the spiky-haired man butted in.

"Hey! Not to interrupt this _riveting_ discussion, but whaddya say we talk about what to do next? I mean, we've barely scratched the surface of the attractions here, right?"

The prosecutor regarded his rival with annoyance as Maya chimed in.

"Y'know, he's right, Miles! We can talk about peppers later. Can I check out that guidebook?"

"Of course." The charcoal-haired man fished into his suit pocket and pulled out the guidebook, handing it to the girl, who scanned its pages for a few moments before shoving it in his face, pointing at one of the listed attractions.

"Here, let's go try this out!" She cried excitedly.

Both lawyers followed the teen's finger to see that she was referring to the laser tag attraction.

" _Laser tag_?" Phoenix asked skeptically. "Isn't that kind of a… _Kiddy_ game?"

Maya's jaw practically hit the floor at her friend's comment.

"Kiddy game!? Are you _serious_ , Nick!? It's LASER tag!" She exclaimed, forming her fingers into guns and pointing all over the place. " _Pew pew! Pew! Pew pew pew_!"

Bringing one of her hands to her mouth, she blew on it, as if blowing smoke away.

"What's so childish about lasers!?"

"Uh… Yeah, I guess you're right..." Phoenix smiled weakly. "There's _nothing_ childish about that whatsoever!" _Except only_ _ **everything**_!

"So…" Edgeworth looked back and forth and his companions. "Are we all in agreement, then? To the laser tag arena!"

Too excited to contain herself, Maya rushed on ahead, leaving the two legal geniuses in the dust.

"This should be rather fun, wouldn't you say, Wright?" Edgeworth asked as the two men walked ahead to catch up with the spirit medium.

"Oh _yeah_! Diving around a giant maze with toy guns, making _'pew pew'_ noises! I'm practically _giddy_ with excitement!" Phoenix replied sarcastically.

"Well, if _you_ are not a fan of the exercise this will give you, perhaps _Maya_ will be." The prosecutor chuckled, then quirked a sly smirk at the blue attorney. "And _maybe_ she'll even work the rest of that alcohol out of her system."

 _Kiss my ass, Edgeworth! I still can't believe you've managed to turn playing with my assistant's heart into some kind of_ _ **schlong measuring contest!**_

The two men continued to follow after the young woman; Edgeworth walking ahead with a smirk on his face while Phoenix continued shooting _death glares_ at the back his rival's pretty boy head!

Finally, they reached the laser tag attraction, surprised to find that the lineup was actually rather small for what they'd assumed would be a very popular attraction.

"That's odd." The magenta-clad man observed. "I assumed this would be one of the longest lines here."

"Maybe everyone got out of our way because they know we're gonna kick their butts!" Maya exclaimed, forming her hand into a fist and punching it into her open palm.

 _More like it's getting super late, and the parents are starting to drag their kids home!_ Phoenix thought wryly. _**Kicking**_ _ **and**_ _ **screaming**_ _, most likely!_

"Alright, next ten step forward!" The booth attendant cried out.

Phoenix looked ahead to see how back far they were, and was pleasantly surprised to see that he himself was eighth in line. However, one of the people in front of him seemed familiar somehow. He only just caught a glimpse of the person's brown hair before they disappeared into the main entrance of the arena. He shrugged the familiarity off and glanced behind him to see if anyone else had arrived.

Apparently showing up just in time to participate were two young men, both appearing to be around 15. One had pure black hair and wore a visor, with a notable bandage on his nose.

It was the _other_ _boy_ , however, who caught the attorney's attention much quicker. He had chocolate brown hair, but what was most striking about it was the shape; the bangs were pointing _straight_ _up_ , practically forming a pair of _horns_! What also caught Phoenix's eye was the size of the boy's _forehead_. It was absolutely _massive,_ and reflected enough light to almost BLIND the blue suited man!

"Clay, I _told_ you I didn't wanna play laser tag!" The young man with horns cried.

"Well too bad! C'mon, man, it's my _birthday_!" The teen named Clay protested. "Is it so wrong to wanna blast some little punks with my best bud?"

"Yeah, like _that's_ gonna happen. I've got the aim of an old man with Parkinson's!"

Clay sighed. "How many times I gotta tell ya, man? You could shoot a fly on Mars! You're a dead shot, Apollo!"

The one named Apollo shook his head at his friend. "And how many times do _I_ have to tell _you_ that good aim on _Call of Duty_ does not equal _real world skill_!?"

Phoenix couldn't help but snigger to himself as he listened to the young men's conversation. Even amidst the battle for his assistant's heart, the man had to stop and appreciate the little things, such as two friends bickering over something as trivial as laser tag.

"Ugh, _fine_! _One_ game, then we go do something else!" Apollo finally conceded.

" _Boo-ya_! Let's not wait around then!" Clay began to push his friend forward. "Onward!"

"C-Clay! Cut it out! You're gonna - _Oof_!" Apollo cried out as he was shoved right into Phoenix, causing both of them to topple over. The young man quickly picked himself up and offered a hand the attorney.

"Sorry about that, sir! My friend –" The boy suddenly cut himself off as he took a good look at whom he had knocked over.

Phoenix accepted the boy's hand, pulling himself off the ground and smiling at the young man.

"It's not a problem." He continued to look at the boy, who seemed to be staring at him in stunned silence. "Uh, are you –?"

"Yo, Nick! Hurry your butt up and get in here!" Maya suddenly cried from the entrance to the arena.

 _Gah! Got so caught up with this kid, I nearly forgot about Maya!_ He turned to Clay. "Uh, tell your friend not too feel bad about crashing into me when he… pulls out of his coma? I gotta move!"

The young black-haired boy flashed the man a quick salute. "You got it!"

With that, Phoenix sprinted into the laser tag arena, rejoining his love interest and rival.

"Geez, took ya long enough, old man! We were about to start without you!" Maya exclaimed as they were led into a room by the attendant of the attraction. Phoenix just noticed Apollo and Clay entering behind him.

"Hey, I just got knocked over by a kid, OK?"

Maya laughed. "Didn't break a hip, did ya?"

The spikey haired man inwardly groaned. _I bet anything when she's my age, she'll refuse any notion that she is getting old. Then she'll tell me to shut up and buy her a burger. Such is the Circle of Life!_

"Alright!" The attendant called out. "Hope you guys are ready to have some fun!"

The employee went on to talk in length about the rules of the game. From what Phoenix actually _listened_ to, the game was a bit more than 'Shoot the opposing players a lot to win.' The aim of the game was to capture the opposing team's fortress and defeat the team leader. Simple enough in theory. As the attendant prattled on, Phoenix took a moment to take a look at the competition.

Besides himself, Maya, Edgeworth, and the two young boys (the horned one of who _still_ seemed to be _staring_ at Phoenix) there were five other players:

\- A young girl with long, red-orange hair, pulled into a side ponytail, wearing what appeared to be a large pair of headphones with antennae attached to them

\- A boy wearing bright pink and yellow clothes, whose multi-colored hair appeared to have _fox ears_ poking out of it

\- A little girl in a pink outfit covered in card suit symbols, wearing a top hat

\- A little boy whom Phoenix could _swear_ he'd seen before.

However, it was the last player that caught Phoenix's attention. It was the person whom he'd recognized as they entered the arena. It was none other than Lotta Hart, the _hothead_ that had tackled Dylan into a jukebox in her spice fueled rampage!

"Now, any questions?"

The employee's voice snapped Phoenix back to reality.

 _Crap! I didn't catch a word of that! Now I'm probably gonna make myself look like a complete idiot in front of Maya… Then again, I was probably gonna do that anyway!_

The attorney knew he probably should have simply asked for a basic review of the rules, but, not wanting to seem like an ignoramus in front of his rival, he chose to remain quiet. The attendant looked over the players, making sure he didn't miss any questions, before smiling.

"Alright, then! Now, I need you to all split into two teams of five."

Phoenix immediately felt someone grab his arm, pulling him towards them. He looked to see Maya, who had latched onto both himself and Edgeworth.

"Nick, Miles, we _gotta_ be on the same team!" The giddy spirit medium exclaimed.

"Uh, sure. Why not?"

 _Who else would I team up with? Lotta?! NO THANK YOU! That woman has more_ _ **hair**_ _than_ _ **brains**_ _!_

However, much to the lawyer's dismay, the aforementioned Southerner caught sight of the three and made her way over to them, nearly crashing into the group. "Well, shuck me and call me an ear o' corn! Fancy runnin' into _you_ here, Mr. Lawyer!"

 _I think_ _ **running**_ _**into**_ _is a bad choice of words after what you did to Hugh Jackman Jr_! The blue suited man thought to himself, knowing all too well not to say as such out loud.

"Y-yeah. Small world, huh?"

"Reckon course!" The walking hairball replied before she turned her attention to Maya and Edgeworth. "And if it ain't Maya and Mr. Prosecutor! How y'all been?"

Edgeworth, who was clearly as annoyed with the woman's presence as Phoenix was, gave a quick answer, not wanting to remain long.

"I've been well, Ms. Hart."

Maya, on the other hand, was still a bit tipsy from the earlier glasses of wine, and beamed at the woman, appearing as if she'd just run into an old friend whom she hadn't seen in ages!

"Lotta! It's been forever! How have you been!?"

 _Did you just conveniently forget how she attacked your new friend at the diner? Plus, you saw her like, a week ago at the Gatewater!_

"I been good, girl. More to the point, we gotta be teamin' up, so how bout y'all join up with team Hart!?" The walking feather duster suggested.

 _Team Hart? And what in the world makes you think_ _ **you'll**_ _be the leader?_

At that moment, Phoenix felt a tug at his sleeve and turned to see the horny-fringed young man he'd collided with earlier.

"Hmm? What is it, kid?"

"Uh… M-M-Mr. Wr-Wright… I-I – " The boy stumbled over each word, obviously trying to get something across.

 _Wait, how does this kid know my name?_ Phoenix found himself wondering as the young man continued trying to get his sentence out. Finally, the young man's friend placed himself between the attorney and the stammering boy.

"Excuse me, sir." The visor wearing boy started politely. "Allow me to translate for my friend. What he is _trying_ to articulate, is that he would very much like to join your laser tag team. And, if it wouldn't be any trouble, I would like to join as well."

Phoenix took a moment to study the two boys. He remembered the one in visor, but damn he couldn't remember his name despite having heard it only a moment ago! He'd said that his friend was a good shot on one of those popular shooting video games. The lawyer then turned his head to look at Lotta, whom Edgeworth was currently trying to concoct some excuse as to why she couldn't join their team. Phoenix stepped forward and intervened.

"Ah, unfortunately, Lotta, you're just a bit late! I actually just promised these two boys they could join us!" He said in his most convincing apologetic voice as he pointed at the young men behind him.

"Aw, shoot! Ya gotta be kiddin' me, Mr. Lawyer! I thought we was closer than kin!" Lotta cried as she looked at the two boys. The one in the visor waved, while his friend seemed to be _hyperventilating_!

 _At what point have I even made it appear to Lotta Hair that we were_ _ **ever**_ _friends!?_

"Yes, well," Edgeworth agreed quickly. "A promise is a promise. I'm sure you understand, Ms. Hart."

"Yeah, yeah, I get ya. Guess it wouldn't've been fair for all the adults to gang up on the kiddies, anyway." The wannabe reporter scratched at her massive ball of 'fro.

"It's too bad, Lotta. We would love to have had you on our team!" Maya was perhaps the only person to be speaking genuinely.

The bumbling photographer suddenly became very serious, then. Narrowing her eyes at the spirit medium, she appeared to be examining the young woman. Maya leaned back slightly as Lotta moved in close.

"Now wait just a cow tippin' minute! You were slurrin' your words just then, missy. And takin' a good look at ya, your face is lookin' a bit red."

 _Uh-oh!_ Phoenix gulped. _Guess the hairball has more brains than I gave her credit for._

Edgeworth appeared to be panicking as well. Lotta managed to put two and two together, she would finally have the scoop she'd so desperately kept searching for, and it would be his name in the headlines: " _ **Former Demon Prosecutor Has Devil-May-Care Attitude About Serving Alcohol To Minors!"**_

As the two ace attorneys began to move forward to get the reporter away from their love interest, fate intervened, for _once_ in their favor!

"Okay everyone, please split into your teams and head into the armory at the left of the room." The laser tag employee interrupted with further instructions, diverting the unfolding disaster just in time. "You'll suit up in there and then be given the red or blue team."

"Aw, shoot! Better go join up with the kiddies. But I wanna talk to y'all when this is done!" With that, the woman shambled off to join the children's team.

 _Phew!_ Phoenix wiped his damp forehead, which had broken into a nervous sweat. _Crisis averted… At least for now!_

The trio made their way into the armory, finding it to be a sparsely lit room with ten vests lining the walls. Attached to the vests via cable was the blaster to be used in the game. The group made their way to the left side of the room and slipped on their vests, Maya being helpful and lending a hand to the two boys. The darker haired one smiled his thanks, but the one with the giant forehead still seemed to be in major shock over something. Phoenix decided to actually talk to the boys, considering they _were_ his teammates.

"So, what are your names? I feel like I should have asked earlier." Phoenix asked the one in the visor.

"Huh? Oh, it's cool, man! I'm Clay, Clay Terran! And this star-struck bozo here." He placed an arm around his friend's shoulder. "Is Apollo Justice!"

"C-Clay! Don't embarrass me, man!" Apollo cried out as he shrugged off his friend's arm.

Phoenix laughed at the outburst.

"Apollo and Clay, huh? Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm –"

" _Phoenix Wright_!" Apollo suddenly blurted out, his face immediately turning fifty shades of _red!_ Clay, however, cracked up and grinned impishly at the lawyer.

"Man, you gotta chill! Sorry about that, sir, Apollo's just a little nervous. Y'know, meeting his idol and all."

"CLAY!"

"Uh, I-I'm sorry, his _idol?_ I'm a little lost."

"Nick!" Maya suddenly cried out. The spiky-haired lawyer turned to face his assistant. "Pay attention instead of talking to the kids! The team leaders are here!"

Phoenix looked around the room quickly and eventually stopped on two people at the end of the room. One was an admittedly cute, petite young woman, perhaps in her mid-20's. She had long silky blonde hair reaching down to her rear, and wore a vest much like the ones meant for the game which was lit up blue.

Opposite her, however, was perhaps the largest man Phoenix had ever seen in his life, putting even Will Powers to shame! He was a very muscular, dark skinned man with a bald head, dressed in full military garb. He carried himself in a very professional manner, as if he were about to meet the president himself!

"Soldiers!" The man cried out with a voice that would put Phoenix's loudest _objections_ to shame. "Line up and prepare to be prepped for combat!"

Everyone in the room did as instructed and formed a line in front of the man, expecting him to speak again. However, it was the young woman who spoke next.

"Hi everyone!" She said in a voice as soothing as a flowing stream. "I'm Dee Ceiving, and I'm the leader of the red team."

"And I am Sergeant Aaron Strikes, leader of the blue team!" The _drill sergeant_ announced.

"Now, I see you've already split into teams, so now Aaron and I will choose you for either the red or blue team." Dee continued. "The two of us actually have a bit of a competition going on between ourselves based on how many games our teams have won. We're currently tied, but my team won the last game, so I get to make my team choice first!" The petite woman walked first over to Phoenix's group, looking everyone over. "Oh, looks like we've got a team of handsome men here!"

Phoenix felt his face grow warm as this woman looked him over and even squeezed his biceps before moving onto Edgeworth and doing the same. The normally cool and collected prosecutor was understandably flustered at being sized up like a slab of meat! All the while, Maya shot this woman a death glare. Once Dee had finished examining the team, barring Maya, she stepped back.

"Hmm, you're all very handsome… But, you're about useless as a solar powered flashlight."

The group was completely taken aback by this! Had this sweet young woman actually said that!?

Before they could even react to this, however, Dee had already moved onto the children's team.

"Ohhhhh! Aren't you all just so adorable!?" She cooed, before turning her attention to Lotta. "Well, _most_ of you at least."

"Hey now!" Lotta cried out, gritting her teeth as she got in the woman's face. "Whaddya mean by that, ya string bean!?"

"Oh dear! I'm sorry, miss, I should have explained better. What I meant was that you look like something I pulled out of my vacuum cleaner when it was clogged." Dee explained, her voice still sweet as honey.

"Why you little –" However, Dee had stopped paying attention and was now speaking to the young girl in top hat.

"Hi there, sweetie. What's your name?"

The adorable little girl placed her hands on her hips, balling them into fists as she puffed out her chest. "I'm Trucy Enigmar!"

"Oh, Trucy? What an adorable name! Tell me, are you ready to tear the blue team limb from limb?" The blonde woman asked, her face still forming the biggest smile as she spoke.

 _Does this woman have a split personality?! Christ, for such a sweet face, she has the mind of a psychopath! …Then again,_ _ **I**_ _would know all about that!_

"Alright, I've decided! The red team for this game will be these little cuties and Miss _Hairball_!" Dee announced. The children all cheered and began making faces at the now blue team. One child even shouted at them.

"You're going _**down**_ , _pee-pee man_!"

At that moment, Phoenix realized who the child that he recognized really was. It was that walking continent's hell spawn, the lost _Koopaling_!

 _Oh, just my luck! That little shit is on the opposing team being led by my ex-girlfriend's lost sibling! Anything_ _ **else**_ _that could go wrong tonight?_

As if answering his question, the blue team leader stepped forward.

"Then that means _you_ lot will be blue team. I expect you not to disappoint me, soldiers!"

With that, the two leaders split up, leading the teams down two opposite hallways that seemed to stretch on for miles. At the end of the hallway the blue team was following, there was a right turn that led to a staircase. As the soldiers reached the top of the stairs, they were greeted by a site that would not have been out of place in Disney's _Tron!_

The group stood inside what could only be described as a fortress which towered over a massive maze of a battlefield. The arena was partially lit up blue, indicating blue team territory, while the other half was lit up red, marking the red team's grounds.

"Now listen up, soldiers!" Aaron cried out, immediately causing the players to stand _at attention._ "As I'm sure you remember from debriefing, our mission is to storm the red fortress and take out the team leader, Dee Ceiving."

The big man began to pace, his arms behind his back as if he were _actually_ going over a mission debriefing.

"Though I'm sure you think this will be easy, do not be _deceived_! That woman can turn a toddler into an unstoppable killing machine! The red team will come at us with all they've got. But we will not hold back either!" At that moment, the large man stepped up to Phoenix, glaring down at the lawyer as he towered over him. "What's your name, soldier!?"

 _Christ in heaven! I can't decide who's more intimidating; this giant meat wall or that fallen angel on the red team._

"Uh, Phoenix. Phoenix Wright."

"Phoenix Wright, _what,_ soldier!?"

"Gah! Ph-Phoenix Wright, _sir_!" The blue attorney quickly corrected, flashing a salute on impulse.

"Phoenix Wright… I like you, soldier! You look like you have a good head on your shoulders, so when you get to the battlefield, I am placing _you_ in charge of this team!"

"You _must_ be joking!" A voice broke through. Aaron and Phoenix both turned and found themselves looking at Edgeworth, who had stepped out of the lineup and was now standing right next to the army wannabe. "You choose _Wright_ as our leader? You may as well send us out there with a _white flag of surrender_ , as he couldn't _lead an ant_ to a _pile of sugar_!"

 _Oh, of course you choose_ _ **now**_ _to remind me that you exist, you_ _ **pompous ass**_ _! And this time, I'm not sure if it's because you're trying to impress Maya or because you just can't miss an opportunity to put me down!_

"Are you questioning my decision, soldier!?" Aaron cried he towered over the charcoal-haired man.

"I very much am! If _anyone_ in this group should be the leader, it should be _myself_!"

" _No way_!" A booming voice cried. The sound nearly deafened every person in the room, and it turned out to belong to the young Apollo. " _Mr. Wright_ is totally _the best choice_ for our leader!" Everyone regarded the boy with confusion before he turned to his friend. "Clay, c'mon! Back me up!"

Clay folded his arms and closed his eyes.

"Sorry, man. I gotta agree with Pinky here."

"It is not _pink_!" Edgeworth cried. "It is _magenta_!"

"Either way!" Clay exclaimed as he looked his friend in the eye. "I think he's definitely the better leader here, man. I've seen those trial recordings of yours, and this Wright guy just bluffs his way to victory. That is not the way a leader should work."

 _Hey!_ Phoenix was indignant _. Just because that's_ _ **true**_ _doesn't mean the words don't_ _ **hurt**_ _!_

"So, that's one person on my side." Edgeworth said with a smirk as a look of hurt swept of over Apollo's face. "Do you still think your decision is a good one, Mr. Strikes?"

"That is SERGEANT Strikes to you, soldier! And if we're gonna do this by vote, we still got one more person to ask." Aaron turned his attention to Maya, stepping up to the young beauty. "What's your name, soldier."

"Maya Fey, sir!" The spirit medium replied with a salute.

"Alright, Private Fey, it's up to you. Who do you think should lead this battle? Private Wright or Private Edgeworth?"

Maya looked between the two men, clearly torn in her decision. On the one hand, Nick was her best friend, whom she spent nearly every day with and who had rescued her from an assassin only a week earlier. On the other, Miles was a very take charge kind of person. His leadership skills were clear in the way he handled his investigations.

"I-I think…"

 _C'mon, Maya!_ The defense attorney tried to send his assistant a telepathic message. _Don't let Edgeworth fool you! He just wants a chance to show off to you even more! I may not know much about being a leader, but I_ _ **do**_ _know I_ _ **will not**_ _follow Miles Edgeworth onto a battlefield, considering he'd be_ _ **more than willing**_ _to use_ _ **me**_ _as_ _ **bait**_ _!_

"I think… That Nick should lead us!" The raven haired woman finally said.

The prosecutor scowled, and it was Phoenix's turn to triumphantly smirk.

 _Ha!_ _ **Take that**_ _, Edgeworth!_

Luckily for his rival, the defense attorney wasn't the immature petty sort to gloat over this minor victory in his favor _aloud_ , but the horny-fringed teen was _all too happy_ to do it _on his behalf!_

" _Yes_! In your _face_ , Clay!" Apollo cried, pointing at his friend, who seemed more annoyed than disappointed and only shrugged in response.

"That's enough!" Aaron cried out.

Everyone quickly got back into lineup. Before the leader spoke again, Phoenix just noticed the scowl Edgeworth shot his way.

"Now, it's time for you to be deployed onto the battle field. Private Wright will lead you once we have feet on the ground." He suddenly stopped pacing and turned to the glowering grey-eyed man. "And I don't want any lone wolf tactics. Is that understood, Private Edgeworth?"

"Understood… Sir." The prosecutor replied, through gritted teeth.

"Good. Now, all of you," He gestured to a doorway in the back that led to a small room. "Step onto that lift. When I hit the button on the wall, you will be deployed."

"No." Edgeworth retorted flatly. "I shall agree to follow Wright onto the battlefield, but I refuse to be forced onto a lift of any sort! Please direct me to the stairs."

Aaron and the prosecutor had a brief staring contest before the other man acquiesced.

"Fine. Stairs are back there, soldier." The sergeant pointed behind him. "Rendezvous with the rest of the team the moment you reach the battlefield."

"Understood." With that, Edgeworth separated from the rest of the group, making his way down the stairway.

"Now, the rest of you, prepare for deployment!"

"Yes sir!" The group cried in unison and made their way to the lift.

Just before pressing the button, Aaron flashed a salute. "Make me proud, soldiers." With that, he slammed his massive fist against the button, and set the lift in motion.

 _Get your armor ready, Miles Edgeworth!_ Phoenix tightened his grip on his blaster as a grim smile of determination played over his lips. _Both of us knowing…love is a battlefield..._

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **DannyDragon** _ **:** Yes, who knows indeed? For all we know, Dylan may swoop in and still the maiden's heart as the knights bicker!_

 **Ariastella** : Hm, The Lavender Princess natural beauty vs the Cerulean Princess ferocious tenacity… A battle for the ages!

 **thepudz** : Yes, poor Dylan did seem to hot a rough patch, eh? But, who could complain after getting a kiss from the raven haired beauty herself?

 **GettingCyked** : I am totally excited to hear that you felt so inclined to make an account simply for this story! I sure hope your Cyked for what we have going on next!

 **Neon Blue Zero** : Unfortunately, my warrior meter must remain neutrall, though let's just say there may be a bit of a bias one way

 **Forgreatcoffee** : "The customer is almost never right" Having worked as a cashier and had someone nearly start a fight simply because they were using expired coupons, I can COMPLETELY agree with that!

 **SkyiesTheLimit** : You have no idea how almost therapeutic it was to write Edgeworth tearing the behemoth a new one! All my pent up aggression as a former cahsier just flowed onto the page!


	11. Sir Red Knight vs Sir Blue Knight

_**Yanmegaman** :_ _Heya folks! I wanna apologize for the massive delay on this one. Once I got started I had a horrible realization: Writing action scenes is not my strong suit. And because of that, the collab has now become a triad for this chapter, with the laser tag scene being written by JP and I's mutual friend and another fantastic Wrighter,_ _ **Thepudz**_ _! This should be the penultimate chapter, guys. Next chapter is the final showdown! Place your bets now, everyone!_

 _ **ThePudz** : __Well, I'd never thought I'd be working with these two brilliant authors... Again. I contributed to this chapter by writing the laser tag scene which I really hope y'all enjoy! Also hope you love the rest of the chapter as well. You guys are amazeballs!_

 _ **JP** : Readers really seemed to like our September 5, 2016 triad collaboration, __**Say Hello To Yesterday**_ _, so_ _ **ThePudz**_ _is back in da house to spruce up the battle in this ultimate showdown as it winds down to its conclusion, and it's been great working with him again! The votes are in and the poll is closed! Stay tuned for next chapter to see if Sir Red Knight or Sir Blue Knight is victorious in this love battle!_

P.S. Cast your votes! To my **Turnabout Everlasting** readers, I have a  new poll up at the top of my profile page... place your vote on which way Maya's fiance will swing! ;P

* * *

 **Chapter Eleven:** **Sir Red Knight vs. Sir Blue Knight**

The sound of Edgeworth's heavy footsteps echoed down the long stairwell as he made his way to the battlefield.

 _No lone wolf tactics? Why not simply ask me to make absolutely certain that we lose, sergeant Jarhead?! By appointing Wright as the leader of this game, he has very much assured that!_ The debonair man fumed to himself. _If that soldier wannabe expects me to play nice with Sir Blue Knight, he has quite another thing coming!_

He gripped his plastic blaster tightly in his hands as he finally entered the neon maze, unsurprisingly, way before the rest of his team.

 _ **I**_ _will have this game won before Wright can fire even a single shot!_

 _Me as the leader, huh? Normally, I wouldn't want that kind of responsibility._ Phoenix ran a hand through his spiky hair. _But I'll be_ _ **damned**_ _if I was gonna let Sir Red Knight lead us! Not with the fair maiden's hand on the line!_

He looked beside him to see Maya marching in place, holding her blaster much like a soldier would hold their weapon. Meanwhile, Apollo and Clay seemed to be busying themselves pretending they were already in a firefight. Finally, the lift came to a stop and the doors opened, revealing the battlefield before them. Phoenix and his soldiers stepped off the lift, the door closing behind them, and took the only available path before them. The group remained silent until they finally reached a fork in the path. One path lead right, the other to the left.

"Which way now, Mr. Wright?" Apollo asked, looking around them nervously, expecting an enemy to appear at any moment.

This was it. Phoenix's first real decision as leader. Somewhere in this labyrinth, four children and a _walking feather duster_ were waiting to ambush them. If he chose wrong, he could easily lead them to a dead end, making them easy prey for their opponents.

 _Suggesting a coin toss would probably get me a smack to the back of the head from Maya. But I have no way of really knowing. A guess is better than nothing, I suppose._

"I say… We head left." The blue suited man finally replied. The group nodded and followed his lead as he made his way down the path.

As they wandered the maze, it didn't even occur to Phoenix that his rival had not rejoined the group. However, to be honest, he truly didn't care. Their competition amongst themselves would probably serve only as a distraction.

Eventually, after about five minutes, the group came to a large space in what appeared to be the center of the maze. Small barricades dotted the area, supposedly to be used for cover by the players, and in the center of it all was what could only be described as a small building. One half of the area was colored blue, while the other was red. This was clearly the real battlefield, where the teams were expected to meet up and finally attack.

After a moment of examining their surroundings, the group jumped as fog began to fill the area, obscuring their vision. Evidently, the fight was about to begin.

A _pew_ sound was heard and a red beam of light shot past Phoenix, just narrowly missing him. One shot suddenly became many as apparently the red team had arrived and was ready to fight.

"Everyone, find cover!" Phoenix called out. The team did as instructed and split up, seeking shelter behind the barricades across the area.

The red team's assault halted as their opponents took cover. The sounds of little feet could be heard all around the area. Phoenix had a feeling their tactic would be to overwhelm them with sheer firepower, so he knew they would need to use the cover and fog to their advantage, making every shot count. The defense attorney studied his surroundings. To his left, sharing a barricade, were Apollo and Clay. However, he didn't see Maya.

"Nick! I need help!" Maya's voice rang from somewhere near the building in the center of the arena.

"Maya!?" Phoenix looked and saw that the girl was currently being tailed by the fox-eared kid and the girl in the top hat. "Maya, I'm coming! Apollo, Clay, cover me!"

"Roger, sir!" Apollo cried back out as he leant out of cover, firing a barrage of rapid shots at the enemy team.

Phoenix couldn't help but appreciate the boy's trigger finger as he rushed out of cover to see horn-fringed boy's beams firing everywhere _around_ the red team as a scare tactic. Clay joined Apollo in the shooting, and together, the two youths pushed the red team back into cover.

Even though the girl with the top hat, he remembered her name being _Trucy_ , ran back with her team, the pesky brat with the fox ears would _not_ leave Maya alone! In a desperate action of heroics, the blue attorney raised his blaster, firing at the fox-eared kid and getting a shot straight into the chest. The boy's chest armor lights then shut off, and he spewed a litany of barely comprehensible insults, in a language which the lawyer _assumed was supposed to be English!_

Phoenix quickly took cover next to Maya.

"That was too close, Nick!" Maya told him. "The kid got one hit on me!"

The Turnabout Terror suddenly remembered he had _no_ idea what the rules even were, so what his assistant had just said made basically _no sense_ to him whatsoever!

The spirit medium's expression dropped as she saw the look of confusion on the man's face.

"Of _course_ you didn't listen in briefing…" She muttered to herself. "Okay, here's the rules…"

Phoenix thanked everything high and holy that Maya was feeling kind enough to reiterate the rules. Although the blaster noises and sounds of shuffling feet made it hard to hear, he tried his best to do so.

"Everyone has three lives. Once you lose all of them, you're out. You can see on the screen of your gun how many lives you have left. You still have three because you haven't been shot yet, but because _Foxy_ over there got the jump on me, I'm down to two lives."

"What, so I can just fire a barrage on one person and get them out?" Phoenix asked. Maya sighed with frustration at the fact this man could solved _murder cases,_ yet couldn't figure out a simple game of _laser tag!_

"Let me show you an example," she sighed, before standing up and firing at someone from the red team.

Luckily for her, Foxy was leaning just out of cover, and Maya fired an accurate shot, hitting the kid in his chest, then leant down to Phoenix, hiding behind cover.

"You hit Foxy before, and that lowered him down to two lives. He then had ten seconds of invincibility, meaning no one can hit him. This gives him time to run away and get cover before someone shoots him again. Because I hit him again, he's now down to _one_ life, and if he gets hit one more time, he is completely out of the game!"

Phoenix nodded, indicating he now understood fully. Maya smirked at him, before leaning out of cover and firing on red team, hitting no one but at least suppressing them so they stayed in cover.

"We have to push past this team to get to red base. There, we'll find Dee Ceiving, the red team leader. We gotta take her out to win the game, whilst protecting _our_ leader, Aaron Strikes, who's hiding in blue base. Now that you _finally_ know all this, you ready to kick some butt?"

Phoenix nodded and grinned at the raven haired beauty.

"Well, move fast!" She barked. "They're pushing up!"

The man had no idea what his friend meant, but he got caught on when he saw red team all walk out of cover, firing at the blue team. Maya crouched, keeping low while sprinting so that red team couldn't get an accurate shot on her.

Phoenix attempted to do the same, but his larger size made him more exposed, meaning Foxy had an accurate shot on him. Apollo spotted the kid with fox ears raising his blaster to shoot at the attorney.

"Look out!" Apollo cried out in a _surprisingly loud voice_ , which belied his small size.

Phoenix turned around to see Foxy aiming the blaster at him. Suddenly, Apollo crept out of cover and fired a shot, hitting the kid with fox ears and taking his last life, effectively putting him out of the game.

"Tango down!" Apollo smiled smugly.

"You gonna regret the day ya messed with Wocky Kitaki, kid!" Foxy yelled, stamping his foot.

 _Wocky Kitaki?!_ _The hell kind of name is that?!_ Phoenix wondered as the little snot stormed off in a huff. He turned and gave an appreciative nod to Apollo.

" _Nick_!" Maya whispered to Phoenix. The lawyer turned to his left to see his assistant crouched down next to him. "They're pushing us up the middle, but there's cover around the sides! If we sneak around them and get behind them, we can flank 'em and get some easy hits! Hopefully Apollo and Clay follow…" She nodded to the young boys, who understood what they had to do, quickly sneaking to their respective sides. "Follow me, Nick."

The two slunk around the sides, all the while wondering _where the hell Edgeworth had run off to!_ They crept slowly, trying not to make any loud footsteps. Eventually, the two snuck behind the red team, and they both spotted Apollo and Clay ready at cover. With red teams backs facing them, they leaned out of cover and fired.

Maya got a hit on Trucy, who squeaked out in surprise and made a mad dash for cover along with the red team, all except for Lotta.

The afro-haired woman stayed out, readying for further blue team fire. "When I see one a' ya's, ya'll better say yer last prayers!"

Apollo and Clay tiptoed around to the side walls, and the spiky-banged boy looked over as his friend. As if ripped straight from military tactics itself, he whispered, "On my mark… Three… Two… MARK!"

Clay popped out of cover, firing a shot at Lotta and hitting her once. The wannabe journalist stupidly stayed out of cover, and as Apollo counted to ten, he came out of hiding, firing a second shot and hitting the country woman. Lotta was surprised at the boys' teamwork, and Maya knew she had to finish her off, and at the count of ten, she leaned out and called out to her opponent.

"Hey, Lotta!" Maya called out. The fuzzy-haired woman spotted the spirit medium as she took aim at her, and hollered one last snarky remark… "This one is from _Dylan_!"

Maya fired a shot, hitting Lotta square in the chest, successfully putting her out of the game. The defeated woman hurled a string of Southern slurs and curses in her foe's direction as she stomped off the field. The legal assistant smirked, quite pleased with herself, giving an appreciative " _Hm_!"

"Now isn't that just adorable?" A flirty female voice came from behind blue team. They turned around to see Dee Ceiving standing in her base. She raised her blaster up, and suddenly, _a sniper scope ejected from the top._ "Unfortunately… Playtime's _over._ "

Phoenix noticed Dee was aiming straight at Maya, and he tried to fire a shot at the red team leader. He missed, and Dee took the shot. In an act of desperation, Phoenix stood in front of Maya, taking the phasor straight to his chest, and taking one of his lives.

"N-Nick!" Maya cried out in surprise.

"Get back, Maya!" Phoenix ordered, and Maya ran behind cover so that Dee couldn't get any more shots on her. Unfortunately, Dee took a shot at the young boys, and her aim hit true, hitting Clay straight in the back.

"I'm hit!" Clay cried dramatically as if an actual bullet had just struck him. Phoenix then realized one critical flaw with his plan: In the time he had been on the other side of the area, the red team had all the time to rush to Aaron.

"Everyone, move to blue base, _now!_ " The lawyer yelled, and the entire of blue team ran forward. Phoenix and Maya took the left side, whilst Apollo and Clay ran to the right. The two boys charged forward, but they were suddenly stopped by two girls, Trucy, and another girl with long orange hair tied into a side pony tail, sporting a bizarre set of oversized headphones on her head. The little magician and the redhead fired at Apollo and Clay, hitting both boys once, putting Apollo down to two lives and Clay down to one.

"Trucy, I saw the other two going for their base! You go stop them!" The cute redhead instructed her team mate, who nodded, running back to fight Phoenix and Maya. Clay went around, taking an alternative path to the base, leaving just Apollo with the headphone wearing girl. There was a moment of tension as the two hid behind cover, waiting for the other to pop out and take a shot.

The orange haired girl went first, immediately standing up. However, she tripped on her own shoe laces, causing her to fall straight onto her belly and also launching the headphones she had off her head. Apollo had an easy shot on the girl, and as he leaned out of cover to take one, he immediately halted in his actions.

The girl had both hands clamped over her ears, and tears were running down her face. Apollo realized the noisy clamor was seriously hurting her, and he lowered his blaster.

He grabbed the headphones beside him, sprinting over to the girl and holding them in front of her. The girl's teeth were gritted, eyes squeezed tightly shut even as the tears continued streaking down her cheeks due to the immense pain in her ears. She opened her eyes to see Apollo leaning down, holding out her headphones, and she immediately reached up to grab them, placing them over her ears as fast as possible. She started heaving as she put them on, as the pain finally went go away. The girl peered up at Apollo, and he took the time to look at her blaster to see her name.

 _Athena._

"Are you alright?" Apollo asked. He held out a hand, and the girl took it, raising herself up. She stared at the young boy, and smiled bashfully at him.

"I-I'm okay…" Athena squeaked out in a soft, extremely cute voice. She looked down at the floor out of embarrassment, then her wide blue eyes glanced back up at Apollo and she blushed. "Do… Do you mind if I stay with you… In case m-my headphones fall off again?"

Apollo didn't know if you could really make a team switch mid-game, but he didn't really care. He shrugged and smiled at the young girl.

"Of course! Welcome to blue team. You can stick with me until we find Clay." Apollo told her. The girl nodded, and the boy went back to his cover and grabbed his blaster, prompting Athena to follow him, her blaster at the ready as well.

Clay quickly made it to blue base in time to see a young boy running to Aaron, preparing to fire at him. Aaron didn't have invincibility when he was shot, meaning the young boy could get an easy three shots on him and win the game. He couldn't let that happen! He raised his blaster, aiming at the little runt, holding his breath to steady his gun, then took the shot, hitting the dark-haired kid in the back. Clay's gun told him he had just hit a boy named _Cody._

Cody turned around to fire back at Clay, narrowly missing the bullet. Ten seconds ran up, and Clay and Cody fired at the same time, hitting each other. Cody took out Clay's last life, and Clay cursed himself. Cody was hit as well, but he still had one life left, meaning he could still take out Aaron.

As Cody blew a raspberry at Clay, a blaster shot suddenly came from his side, hitting Cody in the side, taking out his last life. Clay saw Phoenix move out of cover as he fired at Cody, and quickly realized Phoenix had taken the last shot to take out Cody, practically saving the game.

"I'll be telling my mom about this!" Cody huffed, stamping out of the arena. Phoenix could feel the sweat drip off his forehead at having to deal with _that mammoth beast_ again. The blue attorney then spotted the little girl with the top hat running from the other side of the arena, and he fired at her, hitting Trucy in the chest and putting her down to her last life. Trucy backed up into cover, but unfortunately, she backed up straight into Apollo, who shot her and took her last life.

"So you had to gang up on a little girl, huh?" Trucy huffed, giving a slightly judgmental look to Apollo and Phoenix, who both felt a slight tinge of guilt at the little girl's penetrating stare.

Just then, the lawyer spotted the redheaded girl behind Apollo, and was about to shoot her, but quickly realized the girl wasn't firing at Apollo, but merrily tagging along behind him.

 _Huh_. _She switched teams? Guess that Apollo kid has got more charm than I thought…_

Quickly noticing no one on the red team was remaining, he had one last objective: Take out Dee. A hard task, but it could be done with everyone teaming together.

"Everyone, to red base! Go, go, go!" Apollo shouted, and the entirety of blue team ran down the long arena to red base. They saw it in their sights, and Maya took a luck shot at Dee from afar, missing and alerting Dee to her presence. Dee activated the scope on her blaster, taking aim at Maya. The raven-haired beauty had to essentially _roll_ out of the way to avoid the fire.

" _No one_ can hide from my sight." Dee purred seductively, aiming at cover and waiting for the blue team to poke their cute little heads out so she could _pop them off._ Phoenix knew this was going to be tough, but the woman had a fast and sharp aim, and as soon as one of them revealed themselves, they'd be hit immediately.

 _We can't all be taken out by this one chick!_

Then, Dee was hit from her side. She was then hit by a second bullet, and before she had time to react, a third, putting her out of the game. Phoenix looked over to Apollo, but he hadn't taken the shot. Maya was right next to him, so the one who had just taken out Dee was…

* * *

" _Edgeworth_?!"

The magenta-clad man emerged from a cover that was directly next to Dee, chuckling to himself. He held his blaster triumphantly, smiling smugly at Phoenix.

"While all of you were busy prancing around with the other team, I took the time to _focus on the task_ and sneak up on Dee. As you can see, it proved efficient… It was rather amusing watching you all _try_ , though."

Phoenix glared at his rival, triumphant, smarmy mug and all, and gritted his teeth, not even caring that this underhanded maneuvering had ensured Aaron's safety.

 _Why you pompous, egotistical, conceited, asshole! You seriously disappeared all so you could show off and call yourself the big hero of the match!?_

And it appeared that Phoenix wasn't the only person angry about the urbane man's sudden reappearance. As Edgeworth made his way to the group, he couldn't help but notice the identical expressions upon the face of his teammates, each watching him with disapproving contempt.

"Why do you all seem so upset? We won the game, after all. Thanks to _my_ masterful stealth, of course!" The prosecutor boasted. He immediately regretted his choice of words as Maya stepped forward and poked him in the chest. _Hard_.

"Yeah, we won, but you _abandoned_ us, Miles! This was supposed to be _fun_ , but you left us all to fend for ourselves and only cared about _winning!"_ The now irate medium yelled. "Nick, Apollo, Clay, and I were the ones that ended up having to save Aaron's ass. Where were you on _that_ one!?"

"I-I-" The flummoxed Edgeworth attempted to speak, but was quickly intersected by Clay, who was glowering at him.

"Yeah, man! I actually stood up for you, but you decided to go _rogue_! You may have taken out the leader, but I'd say play of the game goes to _Blue boy_ here!" The young man gestured at Phoenix.

"W-well –" Again, Sir Red Knight found himself interrupted, this time by Apollo.

"We _all_ had to pull _your_ weight to keep the other team from taking out our leader, and you just _used_ us as _cover_!" The spiky-horned boy accusingly pointed his forefinger, courtroom-style, at the now crimson-faced Edgeworth.

The defense attorney watched all this with a barely concealed grin on his face.

 _Serves you right, glory hog! Maybe I oughta be the good guy here and_ _ **try**_ _to stick up for the poor guy… but where's the fun in that?_

"C'mon guys." Sir Blue Knight turned his back to the prosecutor. "Let's leave the victor to his spoils."

With that, Phoenix, along with Maya, Apollo, Athena, and Clay all headed to leave the arena, each returning the proud salute given to them by Aaron, who was standing exit door as they left.

The slate-haired man stared after them, utterly dumbfounded. The _last_ thing he'd expected were such harsh words after their victory. He quickly followed after the group, returning their vests and emerging back outside the arena. As they exited, a beautiful woman in her early thirties, with long brown hair pulled into a ponytail, approached them, her eyes on Athena.

"Athena, did you have fun?" The woman asked the redhead.

"Uh huh!" The girl nodded happily and grinned ear to ear. "It was so much fun, mommy! Even if my team did lose."

"That's too bad, sweetie." Athena's mother giggled softly. "Now, what was it you wanted to do next?"

"Um, actually, mommy, I was wondering…" The young girl looked shyly down at the ground and held her arms behind her back. "C-could I go play with my new friend for a while?"

Apollo was visibly taken aback at the request, not expecting the little girl to have taken such a shine to him in such a short time. Meanwhile, Phoenix couldn't help but chuckle.

 _Looks like this kid has himself a little admirer._

"Oh? You made a new friend?"

"Uh huh!" Athena grabbed Apollo's hand and pulled him forward to meet her mother. "This is Apollo. He helped me when my headphones came off and my ears started to hurt."

"Is that so?" Athena's mother knelt down to the horn-fringed boy's level and smiled warmly at him. "Thank you for that. Now, would you be at all bothered if my daughter tagged along with you? She seems to have taken a quite liking to you."

The red-faced Apollo began to stutter. "Uh, w-w-well, I-I guess not."

"Yay!" Athena cheered and quickly hugged the boy, causing his face to turn even redder and Phoenix and Maya to snicker.

"Thank you. You're a very kind young man." The woman smiled again before looking at her daughter. "Now Athena, you behave and meet me back here in two hours."

"I will, mommy!" With that the girl grabbed Apollo's hand and began to drag him away.

"Hey! Wait up, man!" Clay called out before chasing after his friend and his newfound fan girl.

All the while, Phoenix continued to chuckled in amusement.

"So what's up for us next, Nick?" Maya asked, pulling his attention away from the admittedly adorable scene.

"Huh? Oh, uh, well… Honestly, it's getting pretty late," the lawyer replied, scratching the back of his neck and smiling awkwardly. "Calling it a night's starting to sound pretty good."

"" _Seriously_ , Nick!?" Maya puffed out her cheeks in her usual manner and glared at him. "That's such an _old man_ thing to say! There's still so much to do here!"

"She's correct, Wright. Why turn in now when we've still a world of possibilities before?" Edgeworth added, having caught up with the group at last.

"Hey, no one asked you, _deserter_." Phoenix retorted. He quickly took a glance around their immediate area to see what attractions were nearby. One thing in particular caught his eye. In front of what appeared to be some sort of stage, a large group of people was gathering. "How about we go see what's going on over there?"

* * *

Maya and Edgeworth both directed their attention to where the spiky-haired man was pointing and saw the crowd as well.

"Oh, yeah! I'll bet something awesome is about to go down! Like maybe the _Steel Samurai_ is about to bust in or something."

 _Maya, even here, I think that's a little far-fetched!_

As the trio made their way to the throng, they took notice of something large covered in a sheet on the stage, indicating some sort of unveiling.

"I wonder what's under there." Maya voiced her thoughts.

"Well, this place is basically a huge arcade," Edgeworth ventured. "Perhaps it's a new game."

Out of the corner of his eye, Phoenix noticed none other than Dylan making his way onto the stage and heading for the microphone. He tapped on the object a few times before speaking into it.

"Testing, testing."

The speakers noisily echoed his accented voice at a high pitch through the room, causing Phoenix, Edgeworth, and Maya to cover their ears at the loud sound. The young employee visibly cringed at the pain he'd caused everyone and rushed to a control panel to dial down the volume. He then made his way back to center stage and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry about that folks. Ahem, now that I could have everyone's attention, I've got an announcement to make. Now, I'm sure everyone here has been having a blast tonight."

 _Speak for yourself, mate._ Phoenix thought to himself as he scowled at his rival.

"But tonight we got a special treat just for you folks here. I'm sure you all have been itchin' to see what we got under here, what with the flyers all over the place."

 _Were there flyers for this?_ Edgeworth wondered, oblivious to his rival's glare. _I don't necessarily recall seeing any. Though word must have gotten around somehow._

"So I reckon it's about time we cut the crap and show ya what you've been waiting for." The teen from Down Under stepped close to the object and gripped the sheet, taking a moment for dramatic pause. "Nerds, nerdettes, and gamers of all ages, feast your eyes on…" He pulled the sheet off finally. " _Crossfire_!"

Hidden underneath the sheet was perhaps the most ridiculously designed machine of all time! What appeared to be a wide screen TV rested on a pedestal in the center of the contraption, but it was the accessories that truly emphasized the bizarreness of it all. Attached to on either side of the pedestal seemed to be a small arsenal of medieval weaponry! Lances, swords, shields, and even maces were amongst them. Even more insane was the addition of what appeared to be _two mechanical bulls_ attached to the platform of the machine, though it appeared that they could rotate to be in front of the machine. The whole game appeared to be about the size of three mini-vans placed side by side!

"Having been in development for several years, _Crossfire_ is the ultimate in medieval competition simulation!" Dylan began to elaborate. "Encompassing all the favorites, such as sword fighting, archery, and of course, the joust, _Crossfire_ spares no expense in putting you in the shoes of a knight valiantly charging into battle."

The young man made his way to one side of the machine and grabbed something from among the variety of objects, which appeared to be a knight's helmet.

"Unlike a lot of the games already available here, _Crossfire_ is brought to life using virtual reality headsets, handcrafted to fit inside of your very own helmet!" He stuck the helmet on his head. "Using this, you are placed right into the action as you venture forth to slay dragons and conquer all challengers!"

 _This is quite possibly the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard of!_ Phoenix snorted to himself.

Out of the corner of his eye, the lawyer noticed his assistant drinking in all of this information and practically _salivating_ at the prospect of it, obviously not sharing his derisive thoughts at all!

"But," Dylan interrupted Phoenix's thoughts as he removed his helmet. "It won't do just to hype it all up. No, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. So, I'd like to ask for two volunteers to come up and give the game its initial christening! Free of charge, of course."

All around Phoenix, people mumbled amongst themselves, all seeming a bit skeptical about all of this.

Suddenly, Maya grabbed Phoenix's hand and raised it up in the air.

"We got two volunteers right here, mate!" Maya said in a very poor imitation of an Australian accent.

 _Good God, Maya, you better hope he doesn't get offended by that!_

"Uh, Maya, you sure you're up for virtual reality right now? I'm still not sure you've worked all the alcohol out of your system."

"Oh, _please_! _I'm_ not volunteering, Nick!" Maya exclaimed. "This one's all _you_ and _Miles_!"

It was then that Phoenix took notice of Edgeworth, whose hand Maya had also raised up. It all finally clicked for Sir Blue Knight. Maya wanted these two to settle things in the most fitting way possible. With weapons in hand and armor on head!

"Maya, I actually am not quite feeling up for this myself." Edgeworth frowned "I'm still a tad worn out from our laser tag excursion."

"Oh, c'mon! Don't back out on me, guys!" Maya smiled coyly. "Isn't this what you two have been hoping for all night? A chance to do _battle_ for the _fair maiden's heart_?"

Both lawyers' eyes widened in astonishment at this remark.

 _Ngh! She_ _knows_!? Edgeworth was wholly gobsmacked.

 _When the hell did she get sober enough to figure that out!?_ Phoenix screamed in his head.

"So how about it, guys?" Maya prompted, batting her lashes coquettishly. "Settle this the old fashioned way! Or should I say _ye olde_ fashioned way?"

Both men stared at the young woman for a moment, unsure of what to make of the whole situation. It wasn't until they regarded one another that a decision was made.

Determined indigo orbs met equally resolute slate ones. Crackling electricity seemed to bounce between the two Ace Attorneys and a fire ignited in each of their eyes.

 _It. Was. On._

"So what's the verdict there, mates?" Dylan smilingly coaxed from the stage. "Are you in or out?"

"I'm in." Phoenix told the Australian youth, arching a brow at his rival. "What about you, Edgeworth?"

"You _know_ I am never one to back down from a challenge, Wright." Sir Red Knight smirked at his frenemy. "I accept your challenge. And may the best man win."

"Oh don't you worry, Edgeworth." Sir Blue Knight lifted his chin as he extended his hand towards the prosecutor, who returned the firm handshake. "I _will_."

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Forgreatcoffee** : Yes, the always adorable Maya never fails to disappoint, eh? Let's face it, put anyone in a laser tag arena, and the urge to yell 'pew pew' will certainly arise!

You think reading that adorableness is tough? Try writing it! I needed to feel manly so badly, I punched a chick flick so hard it exploded into bacon! Coffee flavored popcorn? Hm… *Opens Google*

 **Czarthwomp** : Murphy's law whipping post? Christ, that killed me! Hopefully you enjoyed thepudz's glorious laser tag scene, full of action and even some heartwarming moments!

 **Thepudz:** PLAYED ONLY BY THE MANLIEST OF MEN! I honestly loved writing young Apollo and Clay, especially putting Apollo next to his idol!

 **Feraligreater328** : Yes, who will the fair maiden choose? Only one way to find out, no? And believe me, writing all those cameos was a blast!

 **SkyiesTheLimit:** Hey, anything is a battleground with these two dorks. Don't take them to an all you can eat buffet. They'll take it as a challenge!

 **DannyDragon** : Clay and Apollo were probably my favorite part of writing that chapter, so I'm glad it went over well with readers. Heh, yeah, seems pee-pee man is gonna stick. Let's just hope a certain magician didn't pick up on it, no?

 **Ariastella** : Yes, sadly a threesome is off the table for this particular story. Our fearless knights riding off without the princess? Ha! That'd be quite the ending.

 **Peoplepersonof DooM** : Writing young Apollo was a blast! Being able to turn him into a stuttering mess around his idol was just the icing on the cake Oh lord, the manatee joining in on the laser tag match? Well, if nothing else, she could never sneak up on anyone. The impending earthquake would be too much of a dead giveaway!


	12. The Ultimate Showdown… The Final Triumph

**JP** : _A big thanks to thePudz for the intro jousting sequence! I am addicted to working with both these guys. And Yanny…I couldn't have finished this long dead project without you! I LOVE writing with these two…look for more collaboration projects with us in the New Year! :)_

 _And that's a wrap! Thanks for everyone who voted…the readers have spoken…see the results of which knight won the Crossfire poll for the hand of Lady Fey! Enjoy!_

 _p.s. My Turnabout Everlasting readers…nope, didn't drop the story, it's my baby. But it's on a mini break so I could get these other long neglected FF's done. Now that Crossfire is over am looking to finish Filling the Void (a slightly edgier comedy during Nick's disbarment) before the year end, so my next TE should be by end of December or early 2017! :)_

 _ **Yanmegaman:** And here it is, guys! The final showdown of Sir Red Knight and Sir Blue Knight! We again asked our pal thepudz to lend a helping hand and as always, he did not disappoint! Honestly, if you guys haven't I can't suggest looking at his work enough.  
_  
 _JP brings things home beautifully as well, making sure the spoils do in fact go to the victor! Then again, have you guys come to expect anything less from the queen herself? Anywhore, without further ado, the final showdown, the ultimate battle, the... Last chapter! XD_

 _ **Thepudz:** It seems like these two can't get enough of me! Hey all, I'm back to write MORE ACTION SCENES! I write the first bit of this chapter with the epic jousting scene, which I thoroughly hope you enjoy. But my good partner JP has put quite the effort into this one, so make sure she hears how awesomesauce she is!_

* * *

 **Chapter Twelve:** **The Ultimate Showdown… The Final Triumph**

Sir Blue Knight and Sir Red Knight stepped onto the extremely odd battlefield, surrounded by a crowd of cheering and curiously interested people, as well as the buoyant spirit medium. Dylan led the Ace Attorneys onto the battleground, and couldn't help but quick glance over at Maya to see her beautiful face yet again, her eyes glowing with excited anticipation.

"Alright, you guys are going to participate in what is known as _jousting,_ " the Australian explained. The two men nodded, having heard of the event before; Edgeworth had even studied it in depth, in light of his history with the Von Karma family. "Rules are pretty simple. I'll explain while I get your gear and headsets."

Phoenix thought the entire set-up looked downright ridiculous. It wasn't very well put together, so the virtual reality had better be _good!_ It had apparently taken _years_ to finish… But obviously, most of the budget had _not_ gone into the _design_!

"We're going to get you to mount these horses."

Dylan led the lawyers over to the medieval weaponry. It was absolutely insane, a vast collection of maces, Morningstar flails, and swords, and then escorted them to the mechanical bulls, which would be their _noble steeds_. The sight of the devices intended to be their means of conveyance resulted in both Sir Red Knight and Sir Blue Knight simultaneously subjecting the young man to incredulous, and very _judgmental_ stares. The teen merely shrugged in response.

"You _know_ what I _meant_! The rules are simple; each of you will be supplied with one of these lances, and one of these shields."

Both men looked over to where Dylan was indicating. Two huge spear like swords stood, made with wood and having a pointed end, but not sharp enough to seriously hurt someone.

"You will each line up at either end of the field on both sides of this fence," the youth explained, pointing to the very odd-looking, chain link fence.

"Not very _medieval-like_ …" Phoenix muttered under his breath, but the boy heard his _ungallantry_ nevertheless.

"Oh, shut up, _Sir Blue Knight!_ " Dylan smirked, then continued. "When you hear the trumpets, you will charge forward. Your aim is to knock your opponent off the…"

He glanced over at the dubious-looking mechanical bulls, and winced.

"... _horse_. But, you also need to block your opponent's attack. That's where the shield comes in handy."

The Down Under lad grabbed the heavy protective armament, one colored red and black, the other colored blue and white, one to suit both Phoenix and Miles. "You can block their lance with your aegis, and heck, you might even send 'em off balance with this thing. However, if you lose your shield out there, you will not be able to resupply, meaning you'll have to go into the charge without a defense. I've yet to see anyone survive _that_ , though. You'll keep charging at each other until one of you falls off. Whoever is still standing, wins the jousting match."

Dylan then leaned in and lowered his tone to a whisper.

"And by _winning_ , I mean reigns victory of the fair maiden's _hand_ – and _heart_." He gestured at Maya. "Don't think your little _battle for love_ has gotten past me."

Both the prosecutor and defense attorney reeled back in astonishment at the exact time.

 _This unassuming boy... **He's** known all along, **too**?! _ Phoenix screamed in his head. _First **Maya,** and now **him**? Was our pissing contest **that** glaringly evident?!_

"Now, with that out of the way, onto the joust! Knights, mount your horses, and your arsenal shall be handed to you!" Dylan winked at the two men. " _Good luck_."

Phoenix and Edgeworth were still in a state of shock at the brazenness of this little _shit_ , but they dutifully traipsed ahead anyway.

"I'll have you know, Wright, I was quite the expert in horseback riding back when I lived with the Von Karma family." The magenta-clad man lifted his chin haughtily. "I think it'd be much easier for you to just give up and save yourself the pain."

"Don't get so cocky, Edgeworth." Phoenix scoffed. "Who's the one that keeps winning in court again?"

The spiky-haired man could _feel_ his rival's death glare burning into the back of his head, but he continued to march to his end of the field. Edgeworth was on the right, Phoenix on the left, and Maya watched with excitement as both men mounted their alleged… _Horses._

Dylan grabbed the VR headsets, handing one to each opponent. Phoenix inspected the odd device which he had never even seen before, but Maya would know _all_ about. He wrapped the elastic end around the back of his head and placed it around his eyes. He was met with a virtual world where an actual medieval fence was in the middle of the field, a large crowd surrounded the stadium which he was in, and at the other end of the field was a red knight mounting a horse, staring directly at him. This was Edgeworth.

"Hold out your right hand." Dylan instructed Phoenix, and he did so, feeling the handle of the lance being slipped in. He gripped it, seeing it in the virtual world. It was quite _heavy_ , and he nearly lost balance and toppled off the side of his mount from the unexpected weight! He saw Edgeworth holding his lance with comparable ease at the other end of the field, his extraordinary arm strength allowing for this; Phoenix had to use his mercifully well-developed core muscles to even stay on the blasted makeshift-horse!

 _Thank God for walking and biking everywhere_! He thought grimly.

"Aaaand left hand." Dylan grabbed Phoenix's other hand and placed the shield in it. It wasn't as cumbersome as the lance thankfully, but was still extremely hard to carry for a man who normally wielded nothing more substantial than a toilet brush!

 _I have a sudden newfound respect for the strapping knights from days of yore..._

"Knights!" The arcade worker called out in his best medieval voice. "Raise your weapons!"

Edgeworth did so with ease, earning an ovation from the crowd. Phoenix struggled, almost falling off the horse four times and clumsily holding the weapon in the air, his unaccustomed arm muscles shaking as he did so.

Maya couldn't but twitter slightly at all of this, but then some music set in and she began snickering outright.

 _Are you **kidding** me?! _ _They're playing the **Skyrim** theme?!_

The fair maiden studied Dylan as he worked at the soundboard, readying for the trumpets to start first charge. Phoenix kept his weapon in the air, mimicking Edgeworth. He knew he'd have to lower it down when they charged, a knowledge which already made his stomach feel heavy and his forehead break out into a cold sweat.

In the next instant the trumpets blared, and Phoenix felt his horse, or rather, _mechanical bull_ , move forward. He tried to get his weapon down, but it was so unbelievably heavy, he didn't know if he could do it in time. He opted instead to raise his shield to his right to block his opposition's lance.

As soon as Sir Red Knight's blunt end hit his shield, Phoenix lost his grip, and his sole weapon of defense fell out of his hand, hitting the floor. Edgeworth smirked at the open opportunity he had to take down his competition without any defensive protection.

"Looks like Sir Blue Knight's shield is out! I don't know about you guys, but my money is on Sir Red Knight!" Dylan called out to the crowd, who in turn started chanting ' _Sir Red Knight!_ '

Maya gasped as Phoenix lost his defensive shield, and she could _sense_ the utter despair in him. She knew she _should_ be cheering for Edgeworth, as he was going to win… But what about the underdog? The loyal man who had dutifully been by her side these past last two years? She started shoving her way forward in the crowd.

 _My challenger has no chance, no hope, and no defense._ The prosecutor smirked triumphantly. _Victory is mine!_ _Tonight, Wright… Maya Fey goes to **me**_!

Sir Blue Knight lined his horse up, but before the charge happened, he heard a female cry out his name.

" _Nick_!"

Phoenix grabbed his headset, raising it to see Maya urgently pushing to the front of the masses.

"Nick, I _know_ you can do this!" She urged fervently. "How many times have you been in a situation like this?! Cornered, no defense and it looks like all hope is lost… Don't you remember being in the situation like this when I was kidnapped?"

The female choir part of the song at that moment sounded like a chorus of background angels, as widened indigo orbs stared searchingly into desperately imploring dark ones.

"I believe in you with every inch of my being, Nick! You can push through anything, I _know_ you can!" Maya slammed her hands down on the table in front of her, which was also Dylan's soundboard, causing the youth to jolt in surprise. "Do this for _me_ , Nick!"

Phoenix and Maya gazed into each other's eyes, and slowly, she saw that shit-eating grin of his which she loved so much.

"I _will_ , Maya!" The Ace Attorney nodded determinedly as he lowered the headset back down and entered the medieval jousting world again.

Maya clasped her hands together, nodding at Dylan to restart the trumpets. He did so, and just as the epic choir of the theme started to pick up, the horses moved forward and Phoenix lowered the lance.

 _I have to do this… I **have** to do this for her…this isn't just a game to me, like it is for **him!** This is about winning Maya's hand... **and** her **heart**. And for that, I'm playing for keeps!_

Edgeworth moved expertly, but he had one major flaw: The shield wasn't protecting him. He was going full attack, no defense. He was cocky. Phoenix gritted his teeth, aimed for the exposed spot, and silently prayed.

Maya held her breath as the knights inched closer and closer towards one another…And then, the inevitable clash of the lances occurred.

Sir Blue Knight hit Sir Red Knight square in the chest, causing him to launch five meters off the back of the horse and tumble to the ground, losing his weapon, his shield... and the game.

The crowd let out a raucous cheer.

As his round, astounded eyes roamed around him, Phoenix was utterly amazed to find _he_ was the last knight to remain standing! By some unbelievable miracle, _he'd_ stayed seated on his horse, while his fallen opponent was on the ground! All the while, the fickle horde, who'd been previously hailing for Sir Red Knight, were now heralding for the victorious Sir Blue Knight and continued their cheering.

The defense attorney had won. Not only the game, but Maya's _heart_.

 _Hadn't he?_

Phoenix's anxious eyes cast back to her spot at the front of the throng, and saw his assistant was no longer there. He'd half been hoping the fair maiden would have been still standing there, with a rose in her hand to show her favor to her gallant suitor! Instead, she was now standing next to Edgeworth, and helping him to his feet as he dusted himself off and attempted to recapture his dignity.

"Are you OK, Miles?" Maya asked anxiously, straightening out the immaculately groomed man's jacket. "That looked like a pretty painful landing."

"I'm fine Maya," he replied accordingly, forcing a smile. "But I thank you for your kind concern."

"But you fell pretty hard on your _butt_!" Maya clapped a hand to her mouth to smother her giggles, even though her eyes shone with sympathy. "Although I suppose that _would_ be a pretty _cushioned_ fall! Tee hee!"

 _It looks like I **won** the **match** , but **lost** the **girl** in the end, anyway! _ Phoenix's heart sank. _Edgeworth has been a complete jackass the entire night, not even including ditching us and going rogue during laser tag, loses the joust, and Maya **still** went to **him** first, obviously to bestow her…maidenly favor. I – I don't know if I can stand this..._

"Er, good match, Wright." The prosecutor graciously inclined his head towards Phoenix, who continued to stand there staring at his assistant and his rival with a dejected expression. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"Yeah, great match," he mumbled, forcing a smile before turning away as he realized Maya had remained glued to the other man's side, and now had her hand on his shoulder. "I worked up a real sweat going head to head with you, Sir Red Knight. I'm going to go grab a drink."

"Nick, wait! Don't go!" Maya whipped her head around as she saw his retreating steps. Turning back to Edgeworth, she leaned forward, placed her other hand on his shoulder and stood up on her tip toes with her lips puckered and her face glowing.

Phoenix remained frozen in place several meters away, although he had turned around when he'd heard his name being called - and immediately wished he _hadn't_. He wondered if it would look overly churlish if he were shut his eyes against the gut-wrenching vision he was about to witness.

"I was only kidding around about the two of you _knights_ _battling_ for the _fair maiden's heart,_ given that this was a _medieval sort of joust_ , but the two of you did it _anyway_ , just to please me!"

Her mocha orbs sparkled with fondness for the debonair slate-haired lawyer.

"The _only_ possible thing that could have been more thrilling than seeing my two favorite legal eagles duking it out in such a manner would've actually been if we had _really_ been in medieval times, and you were an _actual_ _horses_! But I gotta tell you, I'm truly grateful we _weren't_ , because they were really barbaric back then, plus there's no way I could've eaten a damn thing, what with those stitched in, waist cinchers women were forced to wear in their gowns! It also means I wouldn't have been able to even _breathe,_ never mind eat a burger or _five_! _Forget that shizz_!"

She patted her flat stomach and tittered as Edgeworth gave her a puzzled smile, no doubt wondering where she was going with this ramble, while Phoenix looked on with an apprehensive expression.

"I mean, no wonder the maidens always were _swooning_ with attacks of the vapors! It must have been from _lack of oxygen_ from those corset-like contraptions! Plus, readily bathing was _not_ an option for most, so everyone obviously stunk to the heavens, which could've been another reason women were always fainting – it was probably from the _stench_!"

With a serene smile on her face, having now completed her endearingly long-winded monologue, Maya lightly brushed her puckered lips against the side of the now red-faced prosecutor's cheek.

"Thank you for everything, tonight, Miles. There's not too many men out there who'd be so chivalrous to oblige a lady's whims in the way you have tonight. I wanted to let you know it doesn't matter to me whether you win or lose – just like in the courtroom, it's about _how_ you play the game, and whether or not you fought _fair_. This time, I know you did! You were just amazeballs, and I absolutely _adore_ you for it, _Sir Lancelot_."

Although the spirit medium's _physical_ actions with his rival hadn't gone beyond the friendly thus far, Phoenix felt the nausea mounting in his stomach, as once more, it seemed very obvious to which _victor would go the spoils_. Never before in his life had he ever felt like a bigger loser.

 _Why did she ask me to stay?_ He wondered achingly. _So I could stand here and be forced to endure **this**? I kind of wish Edgeworth's lance had just gone straight for my **heart** instead of my **shield,** because it's exactly what witnessing this display feels like right about now!_

Just as he was about to turn away again, Maya gave Edgeworth's hand one final squeeze, then rushed over to her colleague's side, clasping his fingers tightly and halting him from making another step, not seeming to realize, or care, that the same audience who'd been captivated by the joust had all remained in place to observe this equally enthralling spectacle.

"Nick," she whispered. "Please don't go."

 _She's probably feeling sorry for me_ , the blue attorney thought miserably, making sure his expression remained guarded so she wouldn't see the heartache in his eyes. I _can't let on about what's been really been going on all night, not when she admitted to just **messing** with us earlier! Maya obviously had no idea just how seriously we took that jousting match, and how devastated I am by the outcome of it, because of what it represented. Regardless, she's still my best friend, and I'm going to pretend I'm happy for her and Edgeworth – or as she called him, Sir Lancelot! At least I'll still have her as my assistant – assuming The Demon Prosecutor doesn't take **that** away from me too…_

"I – I really need to get something to wet my throat. That was quite the challenge Edgeworth gave me." He averted his gaze. "Plus it's getting late…"

"Stop being such a dope, Old Man! Phoenix Wright, _you_ are _**my**_ _Sir Galahad_ , and it's not very _chivalrous_ or _gallant_ for a knight to go _anywhere_ without **_his_** _fair maiden, who is giving him her hand!_ " Maya exclaimed with fervor. "Now _come here_ and let me _congratulate you properly_ on your _victory_!"

With that declaration, and with surprising strength, considering her diminutive size, the tiny raven-haired brunette gave his hand a sharp tug, turning him towards her and standing up on her tip toes again so they were at eye level and he could see the intensity in her gaze.

Phoenix still couldn't raise his hopes up to actually believe she loved him back, yet couldn't resist as she yanked at his tie and drew his head downward. He leaned in a little closer, their foreheads touching. Dear God, he couldn't fight against the ardent thoughts going through him. Her sweet scent was flooding his senses now...

And right there and then, in front of a hundred breathless with anticipation, starry-eyed witnesses of the remaining _Crossfire_ assembly, in the middle of Joypolis _of Japalifornia_ , Maya Fey planted a firm kiss right on the unsuspecting Phoenix Wright's mouth, at last making it evidently clear, without a shadow of doubt, which knight had won the favor of the fair maiden.

The crowd burst into a smattering of applause at the romantic display, even louder than when Sir Blue Knight had actually won the match. Because it was quite apparent he'd won so much more than just the joust.

* * *

Phoenix was stunned at the feeling of his assistant's warm lips pressed against his. He was completely unprepared. He would have thought after all the hours he'd spent with his best friend- watching her talk, laugh and eat - that he would know all there was to know about her lips. But he never could have imagined how incredible they would feel pressed up against his own. He no longer had any doubts as to how Maya felt.

It was the first time Maya had ever kissed a man in her entire life. She cursed herself for not having done it sooner. But she was beyond ecstatic that she'd reserved herself for Phoenix.

 _Kissing Nick, being able to finally express to him after all this time what words never could – it's the most amazing feeling in the world._ The heat seemed to travel through Maya's veins, warming her and she felt a rush of euphoric bliss enveloping her, making her heart sing with pure joy. Her eyes closed fearlessly, but the closure didn't let her see darkness, it instead created colors of romantic passion. Her tense nerves soon began to relax, her troubles and her worries began to melt away, and their surroundings began to disappear, leaving only her and Phoenix. _This. This feels true. This feels good. This feel **right**._

His eyes widened and it took approximately 1.3 seconds to realize Maya was no longer kidding him about anything and a further 3.8 seconds to realize that he was shyly, hesitantly, almost not daring to believe this was real, kissing her back. Her eyes had fluttered shut and he closed his as well, although even behind the darkness of his eyelids, he saw sparks of light exploding.

 _When Maya kissed me, my brain lit on fire and the warmth spread throughout my entire body._ Her lips were so soft, Phoenix felt the panging ache in him subside and he didn't even care that she was kissing him in a public video arcade. _After this, I can finally confess to myself – I love her. I can't bear not to be with her and I could barely breathe when she wasn't around. This kiss is my salvation and my torment. I live for this girl, and I would gladly die with the memory of her sweet lips on mine. I dedicate my life to being with her, loving her, protecting her, from the moment of this first kiss, for I knew that if I lost her, I would lose myself. She is the half that makes me whole._

* * *

Along with the enraptured onlookers, Edgeworth regarded the duo in their lingering clinch with a mixture of wry amusement and very little chagrin. A slight smirk played on his lips as he observed his flummoxed rival at last overcoming his bewilderment and then melting into a pile of goo in the embrace of the spirit medium.

His genuine happiness for the two far outweighed any disappointment about losing this battle to his courtroom rival. While Maya was a delightful companion and a lot of fun as a fellow Steel Samurai fan, he was also well aware, deep in his heart, that this was the way it _always_ should have been. Yes, the _fetching_ spirit medium was indeed a _catch_ , but she was a _person_ , not a _prize_ to be won. Evidently, for the defense attorney, it had never been merely a _game_ or about _winning,_ as it had admittedly mostly been for the prosecutor.

Miles Edgeworth _liked_ Maya Fey very much, but Phoenix Wright _loved_ her. The High Prosecutor had become entirely aware of his childhood friend's feelings when he'd witnessed the defense lawyer's crazed, desperate antics in the courtroom when the young woman had been kidnapped. Also, it would have been impossible to miss Phoenix's desolate, puppy dog eyes in those agonizing few moments when it'd seemed like Maya had chosen Sir Red Knight over Sir Blue Knight.

 _All's well and ends well_ , the prosecutor shrugged mentally, jabbing his hands in his pockets and chortling inwardly at how red-faced Phoenix was as he awkwardly held his assistant in his arms. Even though he and Maya's fused mouths had now parted, she continued hanging off his neck like a baby chimpanzee, and Edgeworth couldn't help but wonder if it was due to her ardor…or because of a need to steady herself on her feet? _Even if the fair maiden **did** commit such a public display solely for the merriment of the crowd, it's pretty evident Sir Galahad was one who's had her heart all along – he just didn't know it until now, the clueless imbecile that he is! However, I can't help but wonder if the formerly tipsy Maya could remain standing on her own, if Wright wasn't presently holding her upright?_

The logic genius figured he was allowed this _hint_ of waspishness in his inner musings. After all, Phoenix Wright was _still_ his all-time greatest courtroom rival! As gracious as Edgeworth could be at this well-fought loss, the lofty lawyer _refused_ to believe the effects of the spiky-haired man's lips against Maya's had caused her to be _so weak in the knees,_ she now needed _physical support_ due to it!

 _I have very little doubt Maya would've chosen Wright, regardless of whether or not she was drunk or sober; **Stevie Wonder** and **everyone** around them could see the chemistry these two besotted fools have together – except for **said fools** themselves_! He chuckled to himself. Yet _I can't help but wonder if she would have made her impromptu affection for her colleague be **quite so palpable** , were it not for the assistance of the Dutch courage she may still have in her system? I suppose in the end, does it even matter, since I just ruefully acknowledged those two have loved each other for quite some time now. **"In vino veritas"** as they say…_

Unfortunately for Miles Edgeworth, he didn't have any more time for further reflection upon this, because in the next instant, the most spine-chilling, nerve-grating sound in the world pierced his unprepared ears, and he felt the hairs on the back of his neck _literally_ stand on end!

* * *

"That silly whippersnapper picked the wrong fella! Little girl-child brat like that wouldn't know what to do with the real man like you anyway, lover boy!" At alarmingly familiar voice cooed over the din. "Don't be sad! Let Wendy kiss away those tears! My shift is done, and I'm all dressed up and ready for a night on the town with my sexy-wexy Edgey-poo!"

The aghast magenta-clad man drew back in horror at the unexpected sight of his geriatric stalker, who, Phoenix noted idly, his arm still slung around Maya's waist, had changed from her security uniform, into a distinctly different – and definitely more … noticeable little number.

" _Ngh_! _Wright_!" Panic-stricken grey eyes swiveled in the new couple's direction. "Why is it _you_ don't look gobsmacked at all? Did you _know_ she was here?!"

 _Oops!_ The spiky-haired man bit back a knowing grin as his frenemy's normally austere, fair visage turned _ghostly pale_ at the sight of the old woman. _I guess I **did** forget to warn Sir Lancelot his ultimate fan girl was working security here! Oh no, it **must** have **slipped** my **overheated mind** , considering it **was** after Edgey-Poo made me **sweat buckets** on the dancing machine, after **wiping the floor** with my **two-left footed ass** trying to keep up with him on the **expert** **level** of **"Gangam Style!"**_

Edgeworth's horrified orbs were the size of silver dollars as he took in the harrowing sight of the old woman wearing - _oh God, why_?! – a gaudy little black dress that was short enough to show _parts of her_ which he considered _gouging out his eyes_ in order to _un-see!_ She'd also applied copious amounts of makeup, including garish red lipstick. Rather than having the intended effect, her colorfully painted mug only served to make the _decrepit she-thing_ instead resemble an ancient _demon clown whore_ from a bad horror movie!

Somehow, the determined barracuda had managed to sneak up behind him until she was only less than a foot away; Edgeworth realized he'd be so distracted with his ponderings about the new lovebirds that he'd ignored the chill he normally felt as his protective, subconscious " _Oldbag proximity alert_ " system, developed out of an evolutionary need to adapt after _two years of stalking_! It wouldn't do him any good now, though… he would need to up and run while he still could...As soon as he could command his _paralyzed with fright limbs_ to obey his impulse to whirl around and sprint out of there as though the hounds of hell were on his tail!

Wendy's heavily made up, smoky-eyes bore an unnervingly lascivious glint. "Oh, Edgey-poo, what a wonderful coincidence! I never expected to run into _you_ here when I ran into the _barbed-headed_ annoying brat from the courtroom earlier tonight!"

 _Gah! So he **did** know The Wicked Witch of the Witness Stand was already here! Phoenix Wright, I will **end** you!_

Edgeworth felt a bead of sweat form on his forehead and cleared his throat. "Well, I was actually, ah, just leaving, so…"

Fighting against the urge to scream lasted long enough to provide him with the next horror, as suddenly, the smitten, toothless mountain lion (she'd surpassed the _cougar_ stage _centuries_ ago ago!) wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled herself tight against his body, undaunted by his involuntary quaking. She reeked of potent menthol Vicks VapoRub, pungent floral perfume so strong he could almost _taste_ it, and overpowering... desperation.

"Where have you been hiding? Didn't you know how hard I've been looking for you, my dear, sweet Edgey-poo?" The security guard murmured seductively, overly mascaraed eyes half-lidded in what she obviously deemed to be a sultry fashion. "There's no need to be so shy…"

Edgeworth was too shocked to do anything but remain frozen in fear, mouth agape; after a moment or two, he started to shudder, feeling as if there were thousands of tiny insects crawling around under his skin. He writhed in her grip, and it took a freakish amount of willpower to keep from vomiting up the escargot he'd had for dinner.

"NGHOOOOOOO!" he screamed, and tried desperately to push the old woman off of him.

Unfortunately, all those years working as a security guard had apparently made the ancient crone strong enough to restrain a raging bull, as she refused to loosen her hold on him, despite his valiant struggles, and pouted her grossly over-lined lips, resembling a fish with its mouth full of seaweed.

"Really, now, I think we've reached the point in our relationship where a little public display of affection shouldn't be too much for you, Edgey-poo! Is that any way to treat a _lady_?" Wendy huffed, still raising her pencil thin eyebrows in what was, apparently, her attempt at looking sexy. "Why, in _my_ day, the young men always knew how to show the proper respect to a lady of such dainty and delicate constitution as myself and all the fellas I had _a face that moved them to tears_ , I was such a looker back then! I used to have swooning men of all kinds _dropping at my feet_ , judges, doctors, politicians, even a _Duke_ once…"

 _You **now** bear a countenance that I fear will turn me to **stone**! _ Edgeworth thought wretchedly as the cloying scent which would surely plague his nightmares for the next millennia continued to assault his nostrils. _And they were undoubtedly rendered unconscious by your stifling perfume!_

The prosecutor struggled, gasping for air, but it was no use. His whole body twitched and shuddered with spasms of horror as the old woman blathered on. He managed to turn his head to glance, hysterically, at Phoenix and Maya, still standing closely together to the side. The defense attorney did his best to avoid meeting his rival's frantic gaze, while the spirit medium at least gave him a look of intense pity and shrugged, shaking her head.

"Shouldn't we help him, Nick?" Maya hissed into Phoenix's ear, looking half-sympathetic, half-ready to burst into spasms of mirth at the scene of the unruffled lawyer losing his signature cool entirely. "Or…do…. _something_?!"

"If I _could_ , I _would_ …" the dark-haired attorney replied, biting his lip so hard to contain his own bark of laughter it nearly bled. "Although I don't think anything short of a _Taser_ , like the kind we got from Von Karma a few year back, would peel her off him…that blasted harpy's stuck to the poor guy like a _tattoo_!"

 _Although at this point I'm sure Edgey would welcome **ink poisoning** over **this** particular fate…_

The traumatized prosecutor closed his eyes. He was winded and quivering like a leaf. He was _doomed_.

Suddenly, the ground became to tremble beneath his feet.

"Stop dragging your feet, Cody!" A familiar, rumbling voice thundered, out of the blue. "I _said_ we have to go home _now_!"

Edgeworth's head shot up, and saw it was none other than the _manatee_ from earlier that evening who was lumbering past, dragging her bratty, recalcitrant son towards the exit with one ham-sized fist while the boy sulked and kept wailing, "I don't wanna!" Over and over again.

The mammoth land whale clomped past the over-amorous senior, still with the wriggling prosecutor in her clutches, and smiled smugly.

"I'd let go of him if I were you, granny," the behemoth's multiple chins wavered as she snorted while pointing a doughy finger at the struggling lawyer. "That there is High Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth! You don't want him suing your old ass for assault and putting you in jail, do you?"

"Of all the _nerve_!" The harridan momentarily loosened her grip on her captive and glared at The Koopa Queen. "You don't know what you're jabbering about! This is my _honey man_ , _my sexy-wexy Edgey-poo_! I would never hurt him! He loves me! He just doesn't realize it yet!"

Taking advantage of the distraction, Edgeworth literally ducked down from the claws of death and without another look around, hightailed it out of there so fast, he practically left smoke trails in his wake!

" _Edgey-poo_!" Wendy screeched, already giving chase. "Where are you going?! Come back, sugar buns!"

"Yup, crazy little thing called _love_ indeed!" The lard bucket roared uproariously, her stomach shaking like a bowl full of jelly as the surprisingly spry geriatric guard sprinted after the prosecutor. "The Road Runner's got _nothing_ on that fluttering fop!"

The last words Phoenix, Maya, The Koopa Queen and Cody Hackins heard was the unmistakable shriek of the petrified prosecutor as he raced to towards the exit doors.

 _"_ Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth _chooses deaaaaaatttttttth…!"_

 **The End**

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Peoplepersonof DooM**

 _ThePudz:_ Young Justicykes was something I could NOT pass on! This entire story has just been ridiculous, but that's why we love it!

 _Yanmegman_ : Well, what can ya say about poor Edgey here? There's no 'I' in team, after all! Hopefully you loved the ending as much as I did, as my two cohorts poured their blood sweat and tears into it!

 **CzarThwomp**

 _ThePudz:_ We are so glad you liked! I can seriously imagine Trucy doing every single thing there. As adorable as she is, she'd be a little evil girl when she needs to be. And we love her for that. Oh thanks, now I'm imagining Rambo: Edgeworth edition! XD

 _Yanmegman:_ Am so glad the mini-Justicykes added in by thepudz and myself was well received! I also can't help cracking up at the idea of Trucy holding a massive grudge something as trivial as laser!

Rmabo Edgeworth storming the battlefield? FOR THE HONOR OF THE PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE!XD

Christ you kill me. The manatee rolling after Phoenix? Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Phoenix can only run so fast! ;)

 **Boo2020**

 _ThePudz:_ We are so glad you are reading, you amazing little person! Ahh, nothing can ever beat Phaya. I'd call that a fact, But I don't want to anger anyone... Glad you liked!

 _Yanmegman:_ Always glad to hear a project I'm involved with helps bring a smile to someone's face! It does seem the site gets flooded with quite a bit of angst, doesn't it? I hope you enjoyed the finale! It was a labor of love from both thepudz and JP!

 **SpiritsOfFire**

 _ThePudz:_ Well, I would like to imagine a Game of Thrones sword fight, but I don't want my Nick and Edgey dying those brutal deaths! ;(

 _Yanmegman:_ Admittedly, a sword fight was considered. But in the end, it just seemed most fitting to pit these two against each other in the joust!

 **Mihoshi 2.0**

 _ThePudz:_ You are making me blush beyond Levels any human can blush. Thank you so, so much for your amazingly kind words! LVP is actually term we should start using in sports... YOUNG JUSTICYKES IS PREEEECIOUS!

 _Yanmegman:_ Glad you loved the action scene! Action truly is one of thepudz's best things to write. I had a blast writing in the Apollo and Athena moment towards the, as I DO ship them as adults and couldn't help myself! Hopefully you came out satisfied with the result, as everyone involved put in a ton of effort to bring this baby home!


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